Vol. 16 Issue 20 All Rights Reserved 2018

Transcription

1 Vol. 16 Issue 20 All Rights Reserved 2018 GOLF #1 The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" GOLF #2 A hacker was playing so badly that his caddie was getting bored. At the 17th hole, his ball lay about 140 yards from the flag. As he lined up the shot, he asked the caddie, Do you think I can get there with a 7-iron? Sure, eventually, sighed the caddy. The very next day, the same player hired the same caddy. True to form, the golfer was waaayyyy over par, so he asked the bagtoter, What s wrong with my game? Well, said the weary caddy, For one thing, you re standing too close to the ball after you ve hit it.

2 WHAT DOESN T KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER; EXCEPT FOR BEARS...BEARS WILL KILL YOU NOBODY SPOTS A PHONY QUICKER THAN A CHILD

3 HABITS OF GOOD OR EVIL ARE DAILY GROWING IN OUR HEARTS. EVERY DAY WE ARE EITHER GETTING NEARER TO GOD, OR FURTHER OFF I WAS GOING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD BUT THEN I SAW SOMETHING REALLY SHINY

4 I WORRY ABOUT THE SAFETY OF MY CHILDREN, EXPECIALLY WHEN THEY ROLL THEIR EYES AND TALK BACK FAITH IS TO THE SOUL WHAT LIFE IS TO THE BODY

5 I NO LONGER KNOW WHETHER I M KIDDING OR NOT TWO THINGS ARE RARE SIGHTS IN THE WORLD ONE IS A YOUNG MAN THAT IS HUMBLE, AND THE OTHER IS AN OLD MAN THAT IS CONTENT IF YOU HAVE ANY RELIGION AT ALL, LET YOUR RELIGION BE REAL

6 AM I A GOOD PERSON? NO! BUT DO I TRY TO MAKE MYSELF BETTER EVERY DAY? ALAS, THE ANSWER IS ALSO, NO I FEAR GOD, AND THEREFORE I HAVE NONE ELSE TO FEAR * On May 26, 1897, the first copies of the classic vampire novel "Dracula," by Irish writer Bram Stoker, appear in London bookshops. In 1890, Stoker published his first novel, "The Snake's Pass." He would go on to publish 17 novels in all, but it was "Dracula" that eventually earned him literary fame. * On May 21, 1927, American pilot Charles A. Lindbergh lands at Le Bourget Field in Paris, successfully completing the first solo, nonstop trans-atlantic flight. The flight of the Spirit of St. Louis between New York and Paris took 33-1/2 hours. Six men had died attempting the same flight. * On May 23, 1934, famed fugitives Clyde Barrow and Bonnie Parker are killed when police ambush their car near Sailes, Louisiana. They died in a two-minute fusillade of 167 bullets.

7 MY IMAGINARY FRIENDS THINK YOU HAVE PROBLEMS IF I M NOT ON AT LEAST ONE GOVERNMENT WATCH LIST SOMEONE IS NOT DOING THEIR JOB * On May 25, 1935, at Forbes Field in Pittsburgh, Babe Ruth hits his 714th home run, a record for career home runs that would stand for almost 40 years. * On May 22, 1958, American singer Jerry Lee Lewis arrives in England as a newly married man, with his pretty young wife in tow. Within days, it was revealed that his new wife, Myra Gail Lewis, was actually only 13 years old and was his first cousin once-removed. * On May 27, 1972, Soviet President Leonid Brezhnev and U.S. President Richard Nixon, meeting in Moscow, sign the Strategic Arms Limitation Talks (SALT) agreements. At the time, these agreements were the most far-reaching attempts ever to control nuclear weapons. * On May 24, 1991, the critically acclaimed road movie "Thelma and Louise" debuts in theaters, stunning audiences with a climactic scene in which its two heroines drive off a cliff into the Grand Canyon in a vintage 1966 Ford Thunderbird convertible. (c) 2018 Hearst Communications, Inc. All Rights Reserved

8 I WANT TIME TO SIT, READ, TAKE A NAP AND SNACK. BASICALLY, I WANT TO GO BACK TO KINDERGARTEN SOMEONE CALLED ME LAZY TODAY. I ALMOST GOT UP AND SAID SOMETHING. SORRY I M LATE. I DIDN T WANT TO BE HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE