Transcription

1 Youssef Shemirani exam number Page 1 Classification and Division Essay Rubric Traits of Good Writing Review pages in your study guide for a complete explanation of the rating you earned for each trait as well as references you can study to improve your writing skills. Ideas & Content: The writer provides a clear thesis statement that addresses the purpose of the essay. The writer combines elements of classification and division as necessary to illustrate the purpose of the essay. The writer includes at least 3 categories for classification and/or division to adequately support the thesis statement. If necessary, the writer used MLA style for citation and documentation. Organization: There is a clear introduction with a thesis, body and conclusion. The writer uses topic sentences to organize body paragraphs and transitions appropriately to guide the reader from point to point. The conclusion reinforces the thesis statement and provides a satisfactory ending to the essay. Voice: The writer interacts with the assigned audience using an appropriate, consistent point of view and tone. The writer offered adequate evidence from his or her own experience to effectively engage readers interest and address the purpose of the essay. The conclusion reinforces the thesis statement and provides a satisfactory ending to the essay. Grammar, Sentences and Word Choice: The writer uses correct grammar, spelling, punctuation and sentence structure. The writer makes correct word choices, defines unfamiliar terms, and conveys a clear message. The writer has edited and proofread the essay. Format: The writer met the required length (1,200-1,500 words), used the assigned font size, spacing and margins and included the required header information correctly. Skill Realized A Skill Developing B Skill Emerging C Not Shown F Commented [JC1]: There is plagiarism. Exam Number: Grade: 63% Instructor: JC Date: 08/07/17

2 Youssef Shemirani exam number Page 2 IMPORTANT NOTICE Along the right-hand side of your evaluated exam, you should see marginal or "bubble" comments from your instructor. You should also see a series of highlighted numbers in the evaluation chart identifying the rating you earned on each trait. If you don't see this feedback, click on the "View" tab and "Print Layout" or click on "Review" and the option "Final Showing Markup." If you still cannot see the feedback, please contact the school for the complete evaluation. REQUIRED RETAKE INSTRUCTIONS ENG100: Classification and Division Student name: Youssef Shemirani Student number: Grade: 63% Date: 08/07/17 Evaluator: JC Dear Youssef, Unfortunately, you earned a failing grade on this first-attempt submission. According to the Academic Policies in the Penn Foster Student Handbook, you must prepare a retake submission. Since the goal of this course is to help you improve your writing, you will continue working with your current submission, completely revising and editing it at all levels. Merely applying the instructor s corrections in grammar, spelling, or format does not show sufficient evidence that you have improved your skill level and therefore will not result in a change to your grade. Review these textbook page references as well as Chapters and the study-unit discussions related to writing a classification and division essay. The following are key revisions you must make to ensure a passing grade on your retake. If you do not understand how to rewrite your essay in order to accomplish these goals, please contact the school. Purpose: Write to express your feelings about a particular subject to your fellow Penn Foster College students about the various effects or impacts that result of your desired topic (512). Strong thesis: State a specific thesis which includes the subject (curing cancer would be easier if researchers had better access to stem cells) and identifies your principle of classification for the various effects you will describe in the essay (423, 433, 512, 527). Possible classifications include sorting effects by the types of people or groups impacted, by the ways they are impacted, or by the consequences. Effective introduction: Draw your fellow Penn Foster students into the topic and include your thesis ( , 524). Well-developed explanations: Based on your principle of classification, develop at least one paragraph for each type of effect or subdivision. Provide specific evidence ( , 511, ). Explain each effect or division fully as you affirm/dispel assumptions ( ). Satisfying conclusion: Remind fellow students of your thesis and encourage people to adopt your view on a particular issue. Clear, logical organization: Use appropriate transitions to guide your reader (513, ).

3 Youssef Shemirani exam number Page 3 Editing and proofreading: Please include this set of instructions with your retake submission, or there may be a problem completing your evaluation. For electronic submissions, copy and paste them at the beginning of your retake document. As part of your file name, include Retake after your last name. Then submit your retake essay for grading. Best wishes on your retake, Instructor Penn Foster College Essay Classification and Division Some Sports are More Popular than Others According to the World Sports Encyclopedia (2003), there are 8,000 indigenous sports and sporting games. Some countries are particularly inclined to specific categories of sports, and as such, many of us may not be aware of all the different types of sports in the world. For the purpose of the paper, combat sports such as judo, boxing, and karate will be compared for popularity. Every individual has a unique interest in sports depending on their exposure or individual skills for the sport. For example, some people have an affinity towards combat or fighting sports. Judo, Commented [JC2]: Word count: The essay must not be longer than 1500 words. Commented [JC3]: Since you have referenced this source in the essay you must include a Works Cited with this source presented. Commented [JC4]: The text should be aligned left not fully justified. Commented [JC5]: Do not make announcements when writing essays. The information should be presented in a topic sentence and thesis. karate, and boxing are competitive sports that require skill, precision, and patience. Karate requires greater sacrifice due to the hours needed to perfect the art, as it is refined, and has intricate hand and foot combinations, as well as, elegant kata techniques when masterfully done. Many people prefer to master judo as they appreciate the cultural background of judo, other people prefer karate for the aggressive and intricate techniques. Boxing is more popular than judo and karate, because, boxer cult, respect and money possibility. According to the statistical-based analysis of the world's most popular sports, boxing is number 11 of 50 the world s most popular sports, making it the most popular sport among the three. Commented [JC6]: The wording is confusing. Commented [JC7]: This requires a citation and an entry in a Works Cited. Otherwise this is plagiarism. Commented [JC8]: Spell out one and two digit numbers. Commented [JC9]: The opening has identified three specific sports but there is no clear argument.

4 Youssef Shemirani exam number Page 4 Judo is a martial art that emphasizes the use of quick movement and leverage throws. It Commented [JC10]: The bold type is unnecessary. also utilizes balance, and leverage movements in all its skills to overcome an opponent. It is a defensive sport that originated in Japan. Judo s techniques should be practiced on mats or a wooden floor. Hard floor like concrete is not suitable and may cause injury. It is useful for selfdefense on the street. Judo has different rules and weight divisions for men and women. There are different belt Commented [JC11]: The description is good. Commented [JC12]: Format error. Do not skip spaces between paragraphs. levels, typically starting with a white belt and ending with a black belt. The objective of Judo is to pin the opposing competitor to the floor. The art of judo is using the opposing force against them. There are so many different techniques for flipping an opponent on his or her back. Judo schools are everywhere, and it is easily accessible to the public. However, in most countries, people can learn and practice judo in their localities. Judo is popular in many countries such as Japan, Korea, Western Europe, Brazil and France sends their judo players to participate in international sporting meets including the Olympics. However, its popularity is comparatively lesser than boxing; it is number 37 of 50 world s most popular sports. Judo is difficult to learn and perform when compared to other combat sports. Commented [JC13]: Source? Participants have to dedicate a significant amount of time to learn 67 different throws. For the first few years, students learn the basics. The participants have to build muscle memory and practice timing to do it correctly. Judo classes involve strict traditions and rules. Judo is considered harder to learn and master than other combat sports. Though it is a fun martial art, these perceptions affect its popularity. Many people give up learning judo, thinking that they cannot perform it well effectively until they have gathered several years of experience, thereby

5 Youssef Shemirani exam number Page 5 attributing to the lack of its popularity. Furthermore, sports lovers do not tend to consider a top performer of judo as a national celebrity or star. Boxing is a combat sport that uses fists and punching moves between two participants. Boxing is an excellent physical workout that provides a useful balance between cardio and resistance training. Boxing is a sport that originated in Sumerian Iraq, Mesopotamia. Boxing is Commented [JC14]: CONTENT: You need to connect these ideas to the position taken in your thesis. The supporting details must provide concrete, relevant, and cohesive support for the stated thesis. The connection to the thesis and the argument must be clearly identified. Without a clear purpose this connection is missing. Commented [JC15]: Unnecessary bold type. Commented [JC16]: Format error. Commented [JC17]: Source? believed to reduce stress and increases body fitness. There are chances of concussion and other physical injuries with boxing such as head injuries. Repetitive head injuries can lead to cognitive issues such as Parkinson s disease, which attacks the nervous system and cause muscles weakness. Commented [JC18]: Source? The nature of boxing, where a boxer takes powerful punches repeatedly to the head, increases the risk of Parkinson's disease or other health risks. The famous boxer Muhammad Ali suffered from Parkinson s disease. To win the boxing match, the boxer must move very quickly and be faster than the opponent in the ring, moving before the opponent hits him. A boxer, who is not moving fast in the ring, is at risk and might get hurt very badly. Exercising, rope jumping, bag punching, and fancy footwork drills are commonly used techniques to help the boxer win their boxing match. For a good boxer, it is not good enough to have good skill; the boxer must be excellent physical and mental condition, as the boxer must fight 10 to 12 rounds for each round 2 minutes for women s and 3 minutes for men. If the boxer gets tired or exhausted, he or she cannot continue the fight and will lose the match. Fatigue can make the boxer make mistakes so he cannot defend himself and has to take many hits. Boxers train for endurance so they can fight for many rounds. The boxer must be in exceptional condition; this is achieved only with hard training to have maximum power.

6 Youssef Shemirani exam number Page 6 Boxers need the courage to fight the opponent; it does not matter how tall, how big or how muscular the opponent is when they get into the ring. They have to be prepared physically and mentally for the fight, as this increase the boxer s chance to win. Muhammad Ali s fight Commented [JC19]: Format error. against Sonny Liston in 1964 is an example of how physical and mental health is necessary components to win a fight. Liston was much bigger and stronger than Ali and hit so hard, but in the end, Ali won. Another example of being prepared mentally and physically for a fight is when Ali fought George Foreman, who was a strong and powerful, many people thought Ali would lose the fight and Ali would be badly injured. The strong and powerful champion George Foreman was defeated by a knocked out. Karate is a martial art; it is a self-defense and combat sport usually fought between two Commented [JC20]: POSITION AND SUPPORT: Your position should have been stated in the opening. Your body paragraphs should be constructed to support your opinion. This is not done. individuals. Karate helps to improve timing, patience, and calculation. Practicing karate teaches one how to concentrate and to fight. There are different belt levels, typically starting with a white belt and ending with a black belt. Learning several different detailed patterns of movements practiced solo, or in pairs, specified series of a variety of moves called kata, combat techniques, and performing a series of punches and kicks in the air against imaginary opponents through the application of various techniques of hand and foot work sharpen the participant s skills. The art of karate became famous through cinema. The Karate Kid, The Karate Kid Part II, The Karate Kid Part III, the next Karate Kid and stars such as Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris, Jackie Chan, Sammo Hung, and Jet Li are Commented [JC21]: All titles must be placed in quotation marks or italicized. celebrities who are known to the world through karate.

7 Youssef Shemirani exam number Page 7 One can practice karate alone, at home or when traveling, anywhere. You can exercise in your garden or your basement. Practicing karate does not require much time. Karate gives you Commented [JC22]: Do not use the second person you when writing essays. self-confidence, fitness, and an athletic body. Commented [JC23]: Format error. Weapons are not used in karate. Karate uses three basic movements of hand and feet, thrusts, kicks, and arm strikes. Physical and mental unity develops an indomitable spirit through karate training. You get power when you bring these three powerful elements together. Though karate is rooted in traditional values, modern trainers can easily incorporate innovative techniques and styles to it. Karate is safe and easy to learn. Unlike other combat sports, karate participants seldom get hurt while performing or practicing the sport. It is popular in many countries for all these reasons. However, karate performers do not have a loyal fan base as boxing does; it is number 72 of 100 world s most popular sports, contributing to its lower popularity level. All three sports Commented [JC24]: Source? judo, boxing, and karate are physical sports that everyone, in which kids, young and old can participate. Effective training and supervision can make any one competent in these combat sports. All these are competitive sports, which require personal interest, timing skills, and patience. In any part of the world, in each country and cities, anyone can find hundreds of karate clubs or Judo schools. Boxing gyms are far less numerous when compared to karate clubs or judo schools. There are many karate and judo championships taking place around the world; however, only a few people are observing it. Among the public, karate or judo performers are not stars or celebrities. People may not have heard about the top performers in these categories of sports. On the other hand, boxing toppers are admired in their respective countries. When considering all

8 Youssef Shemirani exam number Page 8 different sports categories in the world, examples of the most popular sports are soccer, football, baseball, etc. Combat sports are a specific category of sports that are fought Commented [JC25]: Format error. between two opposing participants. There are specific groups of people who appreciate only combat sports. They are the fans of combat sports and are not a tool for measuring the popularity of combat sports. The popularity of boxing over judo and karate is that some love the culture and action for the audience. Most of the public are not specific fans of combat sports. Throughout the history of its evolution as a modern sports item; there have been boxing super stars or celebrities. It does not mean that boxing is practiced and performed by more people than other combat sports; boxing is popular in the sense that top performers of boxing are national sports icons or celebrities in many countries all over the world. All three sports Judo, boxing, and karate are physical sports that everyone can participate in safely with proper training and supervision. They are competitive sports, which require high skill, time and patience. The most popular sport among the three is boxing. Television shows the Commented [JC26]: BODY PARAGRAPHS: The body paragraphs provide information but since the thesis is too factual the body paragraphs are also factual. Body paragraphs must clearly support the position taken in the thesis statement. However, there is no opinion stated or ideas being argued. This means that the body paragraphs do not support the thesis. They only provide information. best fighters in the best fight and with that fight boxer will earn the championship money up to more than $50 million per fight. Because of the brutalism of boxing, it has a large fan base. Many people give up learning judo, thinking that they cannot perform it well effectively until they have gathered several years of experience, thereby attributing to the lack of its popularity. Karate performers do not have a loyal fan base as boxing does, contributing to its lower popularity level. Commented [JC27]: The essay was informative. There was no debatable claim made and therefore no support.