Two Blonde Chotches. Episode 3 SHE CAN T BE HERE! By A. C. Zito

Transcription

1 Two Blonde Chotches Episode 3 SHE CAN T BE HERE! By A. C. Zito This Reality Short is in no way affiliated with real people, real events, or real places. The characters in this Episode do not condone any actions that might take place in real life. Do not compare this in any way to actual people. These are fictional characters, fictional events, and fictional places. Momunia dropped her bags and clapped her hands, staring Laney down. Momunia: Chop, chop, servant-boy! These bags won t pick up themselves! Laney looked from Momunia to Tramp and back to Momunia. And then back to Momunia. Laney: What is she doing here? Laney went over to Momunia, looked her up and down and then gave her a poke in the shoulder. She doesn t look like she could be a Top Gun character, Tramp! I want her out of here! Laney then kicked one of her bags and got on the ground, wrestling with the other one. Daniel: Momunia; I ve missed you, darling! I ve had to do all the cooking! Laney s too afraid to go into the kitchen because he s possessed or something! Laney quit wrestling the suitcase and let out a sound that seemed to be a cross between a vampire and a dog barking. Momunia: Oh dear, Tramp! Did you forget to bring him in for his rabies shot? *everyone looks at the camera smiling while audience in the background laughs* Daniel: I ll bring him to the vet tomorrow morning, honey. I m just glad you re finally here! Laney getting up and dusting off his pants: Laney: Wait a second, Tramp! Now who said your wife could come down to Dyrty Myrtle and stay with us? Does she even have Chlamydia? Herpes? Syphilis? Any of the proper equipment to take on the wild beaches of the Southern Carolinas? Daniel: Myrtle Beach will be able to handle her just fine. Daniel and Momunia Eskimo kissed for two and a half minutes straight while Laney s face turned into a red, hot tamale. If you looked close enough you could see Laney Pampus ears letting loose a thin stream of steam before he yelled out: Scene 2: Laney: YOU CAN T STAY HERE! Momunia looked at him and laughed, patting him on the head. Momunia: What a cute puppy, Tramp! But he still needs to be housetrained. *Laney is shoved onto the back porch and the door is shut behind him*

2 Laney: SON OF A B- *Funky music like WAAH- WAAH-WAAAAAH and then it goes to commercial* Scene 3: Laney walks onto the beach feeling sulky. What was he going to do? The entire time he had on his YouTube channel, he was always able to tell them that they couldn t ever have girlfriends over because he couldn t get one. Well, he did pay that one actress that one time Laney: Wait, that s it! Laney began running around the beach looking for someone he could buy but wait! He had to go dress up in a wig, a beard, and some glasses first before he goes and asks questions to random people! How else does anyone think he communicates with people? Dressing up as an old man and asking random people questions nowadays is the only way he would ever go to restaurants! Movie theatres! Proms that his fans invite him too! Scene 4: *Laney comes out of the house dressed as an old man* Laney: BE A TOP GUN CHARACTER! BE SOMEONE YOU RE NOT! He yells out into the sky as he flexes his huge, gigantic muscles that he hopes as he does this that no one will ask him if he got them from using steroids I ONLY USE THEM WHEN MY LITTLE BROTHER DARES ME TOO! He always has to yell at them. Gosh when will people ever understand that when you have a little brother, and he triple dog dares you to do something, you do it? Even if little bro asked him to go film a dead person he d do it! Laney nodded thinking about that. He felt like filming one now! Memory of his mom screaming at him when he was seven years old: DON T YOU DARE BRING THAT CAMERA OVER TO THE GRAVEYARD AGAIN, LANEY PAMPUS! I DON T LIKE HAVING TO GO THROUGH IT AND WATCH YOU FILMING YOURSELF, LAUGHING AT TOMBSTONES! NOT! Seven year old Laney: BUT MOM! I M A TOP GUN CHARACTER! I HAVE TO BE SOMEONE I M Laney shakes his head, smiling, as he thinks of all the good memories he had at that graveyard! He brought his first middle school date there and talked to her about worms eating people when you aren t living anymore and how cool it is! He still doesn t understand why she wouldn t go on a second date with him but graveyard dates have always been his go-to ever since and they always will be! It lets the girl know how much of a Top Gun fan he really is! *Laney starts walking around the beach with his fake microphone* Laney spots his first victim or honorary person whatever they re called. Little kid: UH, MOM? Laney walks up to him holding out the microphone to him.

3 Laney: Want some candy, little kid? Laney tries to do his best old person impression. Someone told him to always do it as creepily as possible. He guesses it works face* Little kid: AHHHH! *little kid runs away while the mom gets up and slaps Laney across the Laney: Perfect! Lady, I m looking for someone to buy! Can I buy you? I have money! I live with Daniel Tramp, and he brought, what I think, is one of his hookers to our house so now I gotta go get a hooker! See, I can t be the only blonde chotch without a hooker, so can I? *woman slaps him again* screaming out: Scene 5: Woman: PERVERT! and stomps off. Crewmember: Where did he end up going? *one of the people from the crew asks this as they scan the crowded beach* Suddenly, they hear him: Laney: HOOKERS, PROSTITUTES! SKANKS, WHORES! ANYONE WITH CHLAMYDIA, OR ANY OF THE GOOD STD S WILL DO! I NEED A FEMALE WOMAN TO COMPETE WITH MY ROOMMATE, DANIEL TRAMP S! SHE HAS ALMOST ALL THE STD S SO I NEED SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY HAS ALL OF THEM! I WILL CHECK YOUR UNDERCARRIAGE TO FIND OUT IF YOU RE LYING OR NOT! One of the crewmembers motion to Laney, whispering: Crewmember: Laney! What are you doing? Look around you! Mothers were covering their children s ears while the fathers got up flexing their big, jacked-up arms at him, angrily, looking as if they were about to blow a socket. Laney: WHAT? he yelled back at him, oblivious to the crowd of buff dudes surrounding him. Crewmember whispering: This isn t where you find a prostitute, Laney? Laney looked surprised as this was said to him. Laney: IT S NOT? HOLY COW! BUT SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE COULD BE A GOOD PROSTITUTE! Laney says pointing to a woman covering her child s ears. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR STD S BECAUSE I NEED SOMEONE THAT HAS ALL OF THEM? She looks at him, shocked beyond belief, quickly picking up her child and running away from the scene. Jacked-up dude: Hey bud, tapping Laney on shoulder, that s my wife you were just talking to! He looked angry and one of his arms looked ready to punch a poodle. Laney looked at him relieved that he said this.

4 Laney: Aww, good! So you would know if she has all of her STD S! And remember! I need every last one of them! poking him in the humongous chest, Now, don t skimp out any on me! When I check her undercarriage I expect to see all of them down there! *Last thing Laney sees is a fist coming towards his face* Scene 6: Laney: Where am I? Is this a Chinese kitchen? Because I was told I m never to be allowed back in one for at least the rest of my lifetime. Woman: No, suga, the nice men brought you here cuz you was askin for us down at the beach! Laney: A CHINESE KITCHEN? Woman: Uhh, no Laney: TOM CRUISE S HOUSE? Woman: No, you fucking idiot! This is a brothel! A woman yelled out from a couch in the back corner of the room. Laney: WHAT S THAT? IS THAT CHINESE FOR A KITCHEN? *Crew rushes in and pulls Laney up rushing him out, putting a towel over his head, and telling him to stay low to the ground* Crew guy: Sally! Why were you just filming him in there? Are you mad or something? Sally the camera guy: Gee, I don t know, I just thought you guys would eventually show up! *Cop car strolls by and rolls down the window* Cop: You gentlemen didn t just come out of the Hunky Girl-guys, because I KNOW that ain t Laney Pampus under that towel, and I know he does seem like the type a feller to be into that sort of wacky shit! Crewmember: Uhh-uhh-uhh no, officer! We just came from the uh-uh Cop: WELL, SPIT IT OUT, BOY! Laney suddenly picks his head up and screams out: Laney: I M LOOKING FOR A PROSTITUTE THAT HAS ALL THE STD S! WHEN I SAY ALL OF THEM, I MEAN ALL OF THEM! DON T SKIMP ME OUT OF ANY BECAUSE I WILL CHECK UNDER YOUR UNDERCARRIAGE TO MAKE SURE THEY RE ALL THERE!

5 NEXT TIME ON TWO BLONDE CHOTCHES: Laney: My mail-order brides here! Now I can be just like you, Tramp! *Chinese woman answers the doors screaming out cuss words Laney can t understand, slapping him in the face and slamming the door shut as she begins walking away* She then, as she walks away, screams out in English: Fucking Laney Pampus! Laney, Tramp, and Momunia look to the cameras screaming out: ONLY ON TWO BLONDE CHOTCHES! (NOT AFFLIATED WITH TWO AND A HALF MEN)