Paul: Can you tell me why you called tonight? Gwen: I I m not really sure, actually. (The girl sits up, eyeing Gwen warily.) Paul: Have you been

Transcription

1 1 Hotline Act I (Lights on Gwen in a room with a bed, desk, and rug. In the middle of the floor lies a girl Gwen s age. The girl is flat on her back, hands clasped over her stomach. Gwen sits at the desk, studying in a long sleeve shirt, when her phone rings. She looks at the caller, sighs in preparation, then answers.) Gwen: Hey, Mom. Mom: (connection crackling) Gwen? Is that you? I can t hear you, honey. Do you have bad reception where you are? Gwen: No, Mom, I m sure it s your connection again. Where are you calling from this time? Mom: Oh, I just wanted to hear about how everything is going. Gwen: (flatly) How everything is going. Mom: (lightly) Yes, honey. Can t a mother call and ask how her daughter is doing? Gwen: You never have before. Mom: Well, that was before never mind, Gwen. I try to do one thing for you, and then you just Gwen: Then I what, Mom, what is it that I do every time? Mom: (pause) I just wanted to know how you re doing. That s all. Gwen: (pushes herself away from her desk and rubs the inside of her wrist) I m doing (The girl on the floor lifts her head) I m doing fine, actually, Mom. (The girl sits up and stares at Gwen.) Yeah, that s going well so far. I don t feel nearly as tired as I used to, which is good, and I have less headaches. (As Gwen speaks, the girl on the floor brings her knees close to her chest. She moans intermittently, as if in pain, running her hands roughly through her hair. Gwen walks in circles around the girl on the floor while she talks.) I know you said it was the anxiety, but I was never really sure, you know. I m glad we ve figured that part out. (cheerfully) Then we just have to figure out the other pieces of the puzzle, which I m sure will come together. (She rubs the back of her neck.) They they have to come together What? Oh, nothing, I must have been talking to myself. No, no, Mom, nothing to worry about, I m just up late studying for a test. Yep yep, thanks for calling. I ll talk to you later. Bye. Gwen: (sighs) Thank goodness for that. (Gwen yawns and begins to sing as she fiddles absently with the papers on her desk. The other girl relaxes her legs and sits crosslegged, her head down. She glances furtively at Gwen every so often. Gwen begins humming, absentmindedly walking around her room. She clears her throat suddenly and rubs her wrist again. The girl looks at Gwen urgently, then stands up and faces Gwen, arms crossed. The girl clutches her opposite elbows, and breathes heavily between whimpers. Gwen continues to walk in circles.) Gwen: They told me I was doing fine God, fine, what is fine, anyway it s not like it s a normal thing. We d be better off if everyone stopped trying to be happy and just tried to be normal, just be normal. Be better than this. (The other girl lets out a sob and falls to the ground, crying and shaking. Gwen begins to cry.) All this crashing, it s like it s all crashing (The phone rings.) Gwen: (clears her throat) Babe, how are you? God, I miss you so much. What? No, nothing s wrong (the other girl thrashes on the ground, her sobs growing louder. Gwen

2 2 plugs her ear and cradles the phone more tightly.) What was that? No, it s just music from the other room. Someone out too late speaking of late, you shouldn t be up now, you should be asleep! Aw, I love you, too, babe. Mhm, yeah, wish you were here, too. Yes, I promise everything s fine. (The other girl lets out a wail.) Will I will I what? Yes, yes, I ll call if I need something. (Sighs and says dutifully) And I ll try the next person if she doesn t pick up. Yes, yes, hon, you have (she clears her throat) you have nothing to worry about. I promise. Okay, take care. Mhm-hmm, love you too. Bye. (Gwen throws the phone onto her bed and leans against the desk. Gwen lets out a sob, and the other girl is clutching her opposite elbows again, shuddering and sobbing while looking at Gwen pleadingly. Gwen clears her throat and wraps one hand around her left wrist and squeezes. The other girl sobs and reaches out a hand, as if to stop Gwen, but Gwen turns away sharply, picking up a scissors. She opens the scissors and runs a finger down the blade the other girl cries out as she does so and then Gwen throws the scissors violently against the wall. The other girl s sobbing has escalated to screams of distress as she circles Gwen. Gwen drops to her knees and slams the floor with her open palm.) Gwen: Damnit, damnit, damnit, damnit, GODDAMNIT NOT AGAIN. (She suppresses a scream of rage, then rises slowly. The other girl follows Gwen to the bed, where she picks up her phone and dials eleven numbers. The phone rings. The other girl has fallen to her knees behind Gwen, a weak hand reached out toward Gwen. Her sobs are quiet, but still intense. Gwen s hanging fist is clenched around the bedpost as the phone rings.) Operator: Thank you for calling the Suicide Hotline. Can you provide your name and zip code so that we can transfer you to the nearest responder? (Gwen freezes. The other girl stands up desperately whimpering and sobbing in front of Gwen. Gwen unclenches the hand around the bedpost and brings it to the inside of her opposite wrist, almost in surprise.) Gwen: Yes. Yes, my name is is Gwen, zip code (she pauses, voice breaking) 5-7. Operator: Thank you. Your call is being transferred to the responder in your area. Please stay on the line. (Silence as the call is transferred. Gwen looks up and around, breathing hard. The other girl has collapsed on the ground, sobbing quietly.) Act II (Gwen is silent as the call is transferred, still clenching the bedpost when the lights come up. The girl is curled up in a ball on the floor. Both girls snap their heads up when they hear a voice on the line.) Responder: Hello, Gwen. My name is Paul. Gwen: Hi.

3 Paul: Can you tell me why you called tonight? Gwen: I I m not really sure, actually. (The girl sits up, eyeing Gwen warily.) Paul: Have you been thinking about suicide? Gwen: (rubbing her eyes) I I don t know. I m not even sure why I m calling, it s just it s just God, I sound like I m crazy. Do crazy people call this number? Paul: (gently) No, Gwen. People usually call if they feel unsafe, if they feel they re going to hurt themselves. Are you in a safe space right now? (Gwen looks around her room nervously.) Gwen: I don t really know. This is so weird, talking to you. (Gwen leans against her bed, playing with her phone in one hand.) I I don t really know why I m doing it, when I have so many people I could talk to. (She glances at her phone in her hand.) (The girl s hands go to her temples, and she massages them furiously, rocking back and forth on the floor.) Paul: That s all right, Gwen. People call us for many different reasons. Right now, I just want to make sure you re in a safe place. Is there anything near you that you can use to hurt yourself? Gwen: (distantly) I don t know if I would ever actually go through with it. That always creeps into my head, wondering if I would actually ever be able to do that. Paul: Have you ever harmed yourself before? Intentionally? (The girl on the floor attempts to stand, reaching for Gwen.) Gwen: Yes. (The girl grabs her left wrist and drops to the floor.) Gwen: Yes, I have. I have done that before. God, more than I d like to say. Paul: I m glad you were able to tell me that, Gwen. You seem to be very aware of yourself. Gwen: That s how it s always been, I guess. (The girl on the floor begins to shake, frantically running her fingers up and down her arms.) I hate that that s how it s always been. Paul: How do you mean? Gwen: (picks at a thread on her sweater) It s always been me, alone in this fight. You wouldn t think I m alone, though. My friends they d panic if they knew I was calling you. They d feel guilty, wondering why I didn t call them. (pause) I never call them. Paul: Can you tell me where you are, Gwen? Are you near any of your friends? Gwen: No, not really. (The girl tries to get on all fours, but only makes it to her knees. She hugs her stomach, crying.) Paul: Is there anyone else with you? Gwen: No. (The girl lets out a sob/gasp and begins hyperventilating, still on the floor.) Paul: And do you live on campus? Gwen: Yes. Paul: And do you know where the nearest place is where you could get help if you needed it? Gwen: (snorts) That s the funny thing I m sorry. What was your name again? Paul: Paul. 3

4 Gwen: Paul, then. (She grips the phone more tightly.) This is what s fucked up about this situation. This this right here (she throws up the hand not holding the phone) is what s so fucking hilarious about this situation. (The girl on the floor looks up at Gwen through her tears, confused). I am the queen of resources. I have a list of people as long as my arm who want me to do well, believe I can succeed, believe that I m better than whatever it is I m fighting. (She sweeps her arm to encompass the entire room, and seems to unconsciously point at the girl on the floor.) They d all come in a heartbeat, every one of them, even my boyfriend, for God s sake. Like this (she looks at her phone and scrolls for a moment). He s called me every day for the past three months. That might be normal for some people, but don t think I don t know exactly why he s calling. Every single time, it s the same thing I don t know what it is (Gwen picks up the scissors and examines.) I m not insane, I m barely even clinically diagnosed, but I can t understand what s happening to me. It started out as this heaviness, feeling crushed under all I had to do, and now (The girl tries to stand, reaching for Gwen s hand holding the scissors, but Gwen steps out of reach) the more I ignore it, the bigger it gets. (She glances over her shoulder where the girl is. The girl freezes, but Gwen looks through her. She stares at the scissors once more, then drops them. The girl on the floor scrambles to pick them up.) Paul: I see. It sounds like you have a lot of people who care about you, Gwen. Gwen: Don t remind me. It just makes me feel guilty that I m not using them. (She looks for the scissors, but can t find them. The girl hides them behind her back.) Where did they go? Paul: Gwen? Is someone there with you? Gwen: No, I I just never mind. Paul: Gwen, I see that there s a hospital not far from where you are. Gwen: (sighs) Less than a mile. Paul: I can call them for you if you want. (The girl s head jerks up. She stumbles toward Gwen, motioning at both of her wrists, pulling at her hair, pleading. Gwen stares.) Gwen: Why did I call you. Paul: Maybe you needed someone to talk to. Gwen: I have people to talk to. I have people I listen to. Paul: Maybe you need someone to listen to what you re really trying to say. Gwen: In my family, Paul, we call that bullshit. Come on. Are you really trying to tell me there s something I m missing here? Trust me, the only thing that s crazy is that I m talking to a complete stranger instead of someone in my own family. Paul: It s not crazy, Gwen. People do it all the time. Gwen: Feeling crazy is the only thing I have right now. I can t help but feel this strange feeling like a shadow over me, I don t know. (The girl loses her balance, stumbling.) I don t like shadows, I don t like darkness, all I want to do is get rid of it because I hate it. The more I ignore it, the more it creeps into my mind, like this thing, like this demon or something (she curls her hands into fists) and if I had my way, I d (Suddenly, the girl gives a cry and falls to the ground. Gwen looks around, sees her, and runs to her side.) Paul: Hello? Gwen, are you still there? Hello? (Gwen is kneeling beside the girl, shaking her and looking for a pulse as the lights fade.) 4

5 5 Act III Lights come up on the girl sitting next to Gwen, who lies on her side shaking slightly, knees pulled into her chest. Gwen slowly sits up. Gwen: (looks around) Whoa. What the hell did I do this time. (She gets onto all fours, head hanging limply.) What the FUCK is wrong with me?! Oh God oh God oh God (she stands and paces.) I can t even think right now. (She grabs her phone and begins to scroll through contacts.) No, no, no they re right here, but I can t call them. I can t actually do it. Isn t it funny? (The girl on the floor looks up at her.) Talking about this isn t the hard part the hard part is actually reaching out. It s making the phone call, not waiting for someone to magically show up. It s answering the What s wrong?, not admitting that something is wrong in the first place. It sucks. (The girl stands up, folds her arms.) I hate having this shadow follow me around, I hate that it won t go away, I hate that I can t make it go away. (The girl takes a step closer. Gwen turns away, looks at her phone again.) It s like it s mocking me, mocking me with how close someone might be. They re literally here, right on this button. (Her finger moves toward the number 1 on her keypad.) But I won t do it, and I don t know why. (She stands in silence for a moment; the girl paces behind her, throwing glances at Gwen every so often.) I don t deserve it. I don t deserve any of it not their help, not their love, not the pitying glances they throw my way when I show up late to class again. I don t want their pity, I don t want their How are you s, I don t want anything to do with this fucking shadow and I don t want them to have anything to do with it either. What makes them keep coming back for me? What makes them turn around and see me by myself, see me alone, again? Why would they do that for me, in the first place? (Gwen begins to cry.) What the hell am I worth to them? (Gwen continues to cry then looks up. She slowly turns to face the girl. They stare at each other for a moment. Gwen lifts a hand, then drops it. They look at each other. The girl reaches out a hand to Gwen, who slowly takes it. The girl tightens her grip on Gwen s arm and flings her across the room. Gwen stumbles to the other side of the stage, regains her balance, and looks at the girl. The girl smiles, and reaches out her hand again. Gwen takes it slowly, but the girl twirls Gwen around three times and lets go Gwen continues to spin a few more times, then stops, breathless. She wipes the tears from her cheeks and holds out her hand to the girl again. The girl looks at her, then takes Gwen s arm and links it with her own. They begin to walk around the stage. The girl occasionally points to something and Gwen nods, looking intently at everything. They return to the center of the room, pointing at a spot on the floor. Gwen nods. Gwen lowers herself down to the ground slowly; the girl helps her. They both sit on the floor, and after a moment, Gwen lies down on the floor, her head in the girl s lap. The girl strokes Gwen s hair softly for a few moments. In the distance, sirens.

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