ONE WIFE TOO MANY By Tony Howell (Excerpts may be used royalty free for auditions.) AUDITION #1- for 3 m, 1 w. 1 flexible.

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1 ONE WIFE TOO MANY By Tony Howell (Excerpts may be used royalty free for auditions.) AUDITION #1- for 3 m, 1 w. 1 flexible. In this scene, Mitzi has enlisted the help of Ollie, the building manager, to help her get into James s apartment. Max, Monster, and Weasel arrive. MITZI: I don t know who she is, but she barged into the apartment, locked herself in the bathroom and refuses to come out! OLLIE: I have a pretty good idea who she is! I ve been chasing her around the building for the last hour! She keeps insisting that she s looking for her friend. MITZI: That s her. But now she s claiming he s her husband! OLLIE: Lunatics! The world s full of lunatics! MITZI: Ain t it the truth! (Tries to open the door, but it s locked.) OLLIE: Don t worry. I ve got keys. (OLLIE pulls out a massive key ring with a hundred keys, and begins trying them one at a time on the door. Behind them, MAX, MONSTER and WEASEL come walking up. They stand there watching for a moment as Ollie tries key after key.) MAX: Is this the apartment of Mr. James Holden? MITZI: Who wants to know? (MAX snaps his fingers, and MONSTER and WEASEL pull out guns.) MAX: Does it matter? (MITZI S eyes widen, and OLLIE straightens up and starts turning around.)

2 OLLIE: The occupants of this building have a right to confidentiality (Pauses upon seeing the guns.) Yup. This is Mr. James Holden s apartment. Right here. 71. MAX: I take it the door s locked. OLLIE: Yup. The door to Mr. James Holden s apartment is locked. 71. Locked. I have a key. It might take me a moment to find it, but if you don t mind waiting MAX: I don t wait. (HE snaps his fingers again. WEASEL moves aggressively toward MITZI and OLLIE, who lean back in panic as if they re about to be punched. Weasel picks the lock, then reaches down and opens the door.) WEASEL: There you go, boss. MAX: I suggest we all go inside and talk to Mr. Holden. MITZI: Oh, he s not there. We don t know where he is, but he s not there. His wife is out lookin for him now. She s been gone for a while, but she should be back later. I can tell them you dropped by if you want and MAX: Why don t we all just wait for them. MITZI: Great idea! Yeah. Let s all wait for them. You first, Ollie! (MITZI and OLLIE enter with MAX behind them, and WEASEL and MONSTER bringing up the rear.) MAX: Sit down. (MITZI and OLLIE rush over and sit down on the couch. MAX snaps his fingers and WEASEL snoops around, checking out the place. MONSTER moves over behind the couch. Ollie and Mitzi are painfully aware of him. Weasel finishes his search.) WEASEL: Nuttin here, boss. The place s empty. MAX: Then we wait. Mr. Holden has seen fit to marry my fiancée, and I plan on remedying that situation before we head back to Vegas.

3 WEASEL: Can I do it? Can I, boss? You know how much I like to remedy situations. MAX: I don t think so, Weasel. I think this time requires the (He reaches into his coat and pulls out his own gun.) personal touch. When Mr. Holden comes in that door, he s a dead man! (THEY all sit there for a moment in silence until MITZI grabs the bowl of popcorn and holds it up.) MITZI: Popcorn? (Blackout.) AUDITION #2-- for 1m, 4w. In this scene, James has just discovered all four of his wives know about each other. (JAMES appears in the hall and heads into the empty apartment. He enters, sees his WIVES and freezes. All four of his wives turn and stare back at him. No one moves for a moment. Then James spins around and heads back into the hall, but all four wives yell at him and he stops.) VELVET, PHOEBE, RITA & ALICIA: JAMES HOLDEN! (JAMES turns slowly and goes back into the apartment.) JAMES: Well, if it isn t my wives. ALICIA: James? I want this straightened out, and I want it straightened out now. (The next three lines are in unison.)

4 PHOEBE: Look, James, if I could just interrupt for a moment. All you need to do is sign some papers. Lance has them over in your apartment, and then I m out of your way. RITA: Look, Jimmy, you ve gotta run and hide. I tried to talk to Maxie, but he s hired a hit woman, and she s gonna come after you and so if you would just get out of his way. ALICIA: Look, Holden, I have given you some of the best hours of my life, and then I find out you have three other wives running around, and I want them out of the way! JAMES: ENOUGH! (EVERYONE grows silent and looks at HIM.) JAMES: (Cont d.) We are going over to the other apartment, and we are going to straighten this all out. Finally and truly and once and for all. Is that clear? PHOEBE: And how do you propose to do that, darling? ALICIA: I wouldn t say it like that, Phoebe. Apparently he only knows one meaning for the word propose. JAMES: Cute, Alicia. Real cute. ALICIA: Well, I m sorry. I m supposed to be on my honeymoon, but instead I find out that my husband is still married. TO THREE OTHER WOMEN! RITA: Look, it s my fault that James s annulment didn t happen. PHOEBE: And it s my lawyer s fault that James s divorce didn t happen. (ALICIA turns and looks at VELVET.) VELVET: It s the Communists fault that James didn t know my death didn t happen. (Pause.) But don t worry, that little fellow is down a salt mine somewhere in the Gobi Desert. He s got bigger problems to worry about now. ALICIA: What did you ever see in her? VELVET: Funny. I was just going to ask him the same question. ALICIA: Look, you piece of cloth, you!

5 VELVET: (Sarcastic.) Oh, ouch. Haven t heard that one since the first grade. ALICIA: I m married to him. Just go away. VELVET: Well, it turns out, Alicia, that I m married to him, too, so James is going to have to decide. (All four WOMEN turn and look at JAMES.) JAMES: And I will. In the other apartment. Ladies? (JAMES opens the door for them. They follow each other out: ALICIA, then RITA, then PHOEBE and finally VELVET. As each one goes by him, they turn and speak to him.) ALICIA: (Pointedly.) Thank you, HUSBAND. RITA: (Cheerily.) Thank you, husband. PHOEBE: (Elegantly.) Thank you, husband. VELVET: Oh, my poor husband. JAMES: Tell me about it! From: One Wife Too Many By Tony Howell Published by: Eldridge Publishing Co.