THE HYSTERICAL HISTORY OF THE TROJAN WAR BY D. M. LARSON ACT I - AND RUN TO TROY. The Cast of Characters can be found at the end of the play with suggestions for doubling characters if needed. The stage has large wall upstage which is the wall of Troy. It can even be a small wall so the actors heads can look over it. The land and shore outside Troy is in the left part of the stage. The ocean is offstage in the audience. Before the play, an actor (Poseidon) can warm up the audience by having them pretend to be the ocean and and can sail through them. Poseidon has complete control of the ocean audience. They could even do battle with some Spartan Greeks before the play as and flee. The audience should be divided into two sides: Spartan and Trojan. At different times during the play, the Spartan and Trojan sides of the audience will cheer for their people (ATHENA directs the Spartan side. ATHENA says "This is..." and the audience cheers "Sparta!". leads the other side in the cheer. says, "Goooo..." and audience yells "Troy!"). You should practice this at the start of the play. The final Trojan cheer goes to and as they successfully make their way to the left side of the stage from the ocean. and act like goofy teenagers. Wow, we like totally ditched those Greeks. Eat our waves, dudes. You were like, so totally brave. I know. And you re, like... sooo pretty. I know. Are you really a prince? Prince of the greatest city ever... Troy! Music can play as lights come up on the walls of Troy. The walls appear like they are made of gold (use glitter). It s pretty.
CONTINUED: 2. Not as pretty as you. I know. Aren t your walls like totally... tall? The tallest and the strongest. They say Poseidon himself helped build them. No way... Way! Cool! Want to see inside? Do I ever. rushes out and stops them. Beware! Who s that? My sister, Cassandra. What s wrong now? Somebody going to kidnap a puppy again? Don t bring Helen inside, Paris. She will only bring doom on our city. Dooooom! Oh, come on, Cassandra. Get out of the way. Doooooooooom! pushes out of the way and they go inside the wall.
CONTINUED: 3. Freak. stomps her foot and gets all pouty. appears down left and watches her. How come nobody ever listens to me? is giggling now. (CONT.) Apollo? Is that you? Get over here. runs up and grabs the giggling. She starts hitting him and he stops laughing. What s with you? I thought you gave me the power to see the future? I did. Didn t you predict where that puppy would be found? But nobody listened to me. giggles again. (CONT.) And now I see the walls of Troy falling down. And no one will listen to me about that either. Didn t you read the fine print of your wish? Fine print? What fine print? pulls a piece of paper from his pocket. It s notebook paper with doodles. (CONT.) I can t read this. It s a bunch of drawings. It s all Greek to me.
CONTINUED: 4. Look here. Underneath the unicorn dancing on the rainbow. It says that you will be able to see the future, but no one will listen to you. What? How could you do this to me? Because it s funny. You gods think you re so smart. Well, I know what happens to you. You do? Oh, you do. What? I m not telling. Oh, come on. No. Please. See you, never, Apollo. goes back inside Troy. mocks her. "You gods think you re so smart." I ll show her. She won t think it s funny when we have a war! pulls out a cell phone. appears in the audience. He can have a funny ring tone. Zeus here. Talk to me, baby. So what you doing?
CONTINUED: 5. Nothing. You? Want to play war? Sure, why not. Who you want to play with? Troy. Really? I don t know. I promised them protection. Promises? I thought you were the all powerful one. You don t have to make promises. I guess I m calling the wrong guy. Maybe I should call Athena instead. She s a real warrior. Wait one minute... Thunder and lightning (lights go up and down). smiles. comes up on stage. Maybe he can be helped up by slaves or clouds? Yes? Well, you know I have a special place in my heart for Troy. I mean they have my boy on their side. Your boy? How many boys do you have? There s Ajax, Achilles, Hercules... Not my actual boys... I mean Hector is a true hero. I know. That s why I picked Troy! and lead Trojan side of the audience in a cheer:
CONTINUED: 6. Gooooo! Troy! AND AUDIENCE So let s call Athena. She ll take your challenge. calls on his cell phone. ATHENA is in the back of the audience picking a fight with an usher. ATHENA I don t need a ticket you jerk. I m in the play! ATHENA s phone rings. Her ring tone is something like "The Warrior" by Scandal or the Rocky theme. Stage lights dim a bit and a spotlight shows on ATHENA if possible. What?! ATHENA (CONT.) Hello Athena... how are you today? ATHENA Horrible. Not one fight or battle and it s almost dinner! I ve got good news. Apollo wants to play war. ATHENA Sign me up! ATHENA walks up to the stage and hops up. ATHENA (CONT.) Which side did you pick Apollo? Dramatic music. Lights come up on Troy. Troy! gets audience to cheer. Goooo!