SCHRÖDINGER S BABY written by Chris Hicks 937-620-2490 writechriswrite@gmail.com
INT OFFICE - DAY Elevator DINGS as the door opens revealing (female, 30s, very pregnant looking) and (male early 20s). Both are dressed business casual as they step out of the elevator. Cheryl has a pronounced waddle due to her girth-some stomach. So, have you interned anywhere else before? This will be my first time, actually. Don t worry, we will go easy on you. The first day will just be shadowing our other intern and getting a lay of the land. They approach a dual cubicle where one intern (, male, early 20s) sits. (CONT D) And this is where you will be working. This is Matt our other intern. Matt, this is Ricky, your new engineering intern cubemate. Matt and Ricky nod hello and shake hands. (CONT D) Matt will fill you in on the day to day expectations and current projects that you two will be working on. Now, if you ll excuse me, I gotta get back to my office, my back is killing me! Thank you Ms. Collins. Please, call me Cheryl. Okay, thank you Cheryl. Oh, and congratulations! Congratulations? For what?
2. For um, well, you know. Ricky gestures towards her pregnant stomach. No, I'm afraid I don't. Please explain. (flustered) Congratulations for hiring another amazing intern! I won t let you down! (laughs, bubbly) Oh you! We re gonna get along just fine! Cheryl holds her lower back as she waddles into her office next to the dual cubicle. Ricky sits at his desk and leans over to whisper to Matt, who is hard at work on his laptop. Matt nods. So, it s Matt, right? (CONT D) How long have you been here? About a month. So Cheryl IS pregnant, right? What? Of course she is. Look at her. I know she looks pregnant, but has she ever acknowledged it herself? What do you mean?
3. Has she ever verbally stated that there is a human fetus growing inside her? Matt ponders for a beat. Now that you mention it, I don t know that she has. I just assumed she was because of the- Matt makes gestures of having a large stomach. Yeah, but when I said something she acted like she didn t know what I was talking about. You could just ask her. Just ask her? Yeah. You never ask a woman if she s pregnant! Why not? It s a valid question and she looks very pregnant. But what if she s not? I don t want to get fired on my first day for insulting my fat boss by asking if she s pregnant. I need this gig. So how do we find out? Pause as Ricky thinks up a plan. I ve got an idea. Ricky exits the cubicle and knocks on Cheryl s office door. Matt peeks over the cubicle wall to watch the exchange.
4. (CONT D) Hey Cheryl? Cheryl looks up from her computer. What is it? Well, Matt and I were talking about going out after work tonight, you know, to celebrate the new internship with a few drinks. We were wondering if you d like to join us? That s very sweet, Ricky, but as you can plainly see, I can t go out drinking with you two. Cheryl leans back in her chair and flattens her hands against her stomach. Of course not, because you re Married, yes. Cheryl lifts her hands to show she is pointing to the ring on her finger. (CONT D) I don t know how it would look going out with two young college guys for drinks as a married woman. People would talk! Yes, they would. I do appreciate the thought! Now if you don t mind could you close the door on your way out? I have a bun in the oven. Wait, a bun? You do?!? Of course I do! Matt didn t say anything?
5. Ricky turns and gives Matt a dirty look. No Matt didn t say anything. Oh thank God, I wasn t sure at first but I m glad that you finally said it. This is great news! I don t know about all that, I always microwave a Cinnabon every morning about this time. The microwave CHIMES. (CONT D) And it s done! Cheryl GROANS as she leans over, removing a Cinnabon from the microwave on the floor next to her desk. So when you said you had a bun in the oven, you meant the Cinnabon and not your uh- Ricky trails off, his hands start to gesture towards her stomach but quickly crosses them. (CONT D) Nevermind, I ll let you get back to it. Your Cinnabon is getting cold. Ricky closes her office door and sits back at his cubicle. He sighs and shakes his head. Maybe she s just fat. She does eat a Cinnabon every day, sometimes she has a second one in the afternoon. Can we ask if she has Type 2 Diabetes? No, we can t ask if she has Diabetes. Jesus, really? No, we ll figure this out. Ricky sits and ponders a plan. (CONT D) I ve got it. Watch this.
6. Ricky walks back to Cheryl s office door and knocks. Matt again watches over the cubicle wall. Ricky hears a groan as Cheryl stands up from her desk and meets him at the door. Yes? I know I m interrupting Cinnabon time, but I was wondering if it would be okay if I smoked? This is a non smoking building, but there is a smoking patio on the 2nd floor. To be honest, I miss going out there myself. You used to be a smoker? Oh yeah! I was smoking two packs a day, but ever since this little guy came along, I haven t smoked since. Cheryl s hands drop to her stomach again. I get it, you stopped smoking because you re- Cheryl lifts the hem of her shirt to show a patch on her hip. On the patch, that s right. Ever since I found these little guys, I haven t touched a cigarette. Only thing is I have to wear them down here because of my tattoos. Yeah. Right. But if you need a smoke break just take one, just be mindful of your time. No, maybe I should cut back as well.
7. Do you want to try a patch? Cheryl pulls a spare patch from her pocket and hands it to Ricky. Thanks, Cheryl. Cheryl smiles and closes the door. Ricky returns to his desk, defeated. (CONT D) Do you have any ideas we could try? Well - (interrupting) Besides just asking her. Matt closes his mouth and thinks. I ve got an idea. Great, what is it? We push her down the stairs. Pause for a beat as Ricky stares at Matt in disbelief. I m sorry, what? Yes, we push her down the stairs. Are you insane? Hear me out. The maternal instinct is strong. If she protects her stomach as she falls, then she s pregnant. If she protects her head, then she s just fat. I m not pushing a pregnant woman down the stairs!
8. But what if she s just fat? Ricky thinks for a second and starts chuckling. Matt joins in on the laughter. (still giggling) That would be pretty funny- wait, no, no! We can t push her down, if she is pregnant I ll feel horrible. (O.S.) Oh god, my water just broke! Matt and Ricky look at each other then scramble up from their chairs. Oh god, oh god, hang on Cheryl, oh god, Matt, call the hospital, um, should we call your husband? Do you want him to meet you here or at the hospital? Cheryl waddles out of her office holding a broken empty water bottle. What s all the commotion for? I was just saying my water bottle broke and spilled all over my laptop. Can one of you bring me a towel? Towel? For your broken water bottle. Right. Cheryl waddles back into her office. When her door closes, Ricky turns to Matt. (CONT D) Push her down the stairs, huh? It s the only way to be certain. Alright. How do we do this? Hide in the supply closet by the stairs. and I ll call her out and say that you fell down the stairs. (MORE)
9. (CONT D) Then when she comes over to look, we give her a shove. Got it. Ricky hides in the supply closet near the stairwell. He gives Matt a thumbs up before pulling the door almost shut. Matt gives him a thumbs up in return, then busts into Cheryl s office, frantic. Cheryl, I think Ricky fell down the stairs! Cheryl gets up from her desk. Oh God! What happened? He was rushing down the stairs to get you some paper towels and it sounded like he fell down the stairwell. I m on the phone with 911, can you check on him? Matt holds the phone to his ear, pretending to be talking to 911 as Cheryl waddles to the stairwell. She opens the door to the stairwell and looks in. Ricky peers out through the slit in the supply closet door. Ricky? Ricky are you okay? Matt and Ricky come up behind her and give her an exaggerated shove. She screams, followed by sounds of her tumbling down the stairs. She falls for an exaggeratedly long time. At the top of the stairs, Matt and Ricky watch, grimacing to the sound of her falling. When it stops. They slowly walk back to their cubicle and sit down. They sit quietly for a beat before Matt speaks. Could you tell?
10. She wasn t really protecting any part of her body, just a lot of flailing. Ricky flails his arms, mimicking Cheryl falling down the stairs. (CONT D) Could you? No. Beat. (CONT D) You want to split what s left of her Cinnabon? Ricky stares at Matt for a beat. (shrugs) Alright. Both get up and walk towards Cheryl s office as scene ends. END