The Iow Review Volume 5 Issue 2 Spring Article 27 1974 The Unthinkble Lester Goldberg Follow this nd dditionl works t: https://ir.uiow.edu/iowreview Prt of Cretive Writing Commons Recommended Cittion Goldberg, Lester. "The Unthinkble." The Iow Review 5.2 (1974): 45-53. Web. Avilble t: https://doi.org/10.17077/0021-065x.1730 This Contents is brought to you for free nd open ccess by Iow Reserch Online. It hs been ccepted for inclusion in The Iow Review by n uthorized dministrtor of Iow Reserch Online. For more informtion, plese contct lib-ir@uiow.edu.
The Unthinkble Lester Goldberg I become very ngry bout injustice in world. The Indin Indins re still strving. Look t pot-bellied rchitic children with big brown eyes. The grpe workers hve no wter in running ir shcks. The Americn Indins re shmed of Crzy Horse nd drink too much. The Jews re shmed of being shmed nd bring ir nked shme. I nudged big crystl on shtry my desk. With my litdest finger. Just brely touched it. It moved one qurter of n inch. Too fr. I tried to nudge it gin, just enough. I wnted to move it so it would register, with its movement, my impression on world. I tried gin. It moved. Tht's too much. So I st re with my litdest finger ginst shtry filled with cigrette butts. I remembered my fourth meeting with psychitrist. I liked him t first be cuse his office ws dump. A witing room with two fke ler chirs, chep glss-topped tble (no mgzines, hd to bring your own), green couch, couple of on diploms pple green wlls: ll in room living of four room I never grden prtment. met nor in ptient this room. I wished he were older thn me tht dy nd mde mentl note to sk his ge. He st silent this time, no his questions, elbows on desk nd his chin resting on his hnds folded in front of him in pryer. We hd covered ll im portnt bckground lst three visits, even bout my mor frid to let me roller-skte in street. He wited. I don't believe in psychitrists. I like Jews best, but only becuse y cry moire. If I meet someone who cries esily, I cll him Jew. The clock ticked in my hed nd I quickly figured every five minutes of silence cost me Three Dol lrs nd Thirty-Five Cents. So I just hd to sk him do you like your work? It pys bills he sid. You see, I've bought this littie bot. Found dock for it, quite chep in Atlntic Highlnds. Then every Sturdy nd on Sundy, bot nd out to se. And Mondy, I sked him. To hell with tht he nswered. Now psychitrist lifted his chin nd dropped his hnds nd sked if I ever hd ny drems. Drems re very importnt, he sid, think hrd. No drems, I 45 Fiction University of Iow is collborting with JSTOR to digitize, preserve, nd extend ccess to The Iow Review www.jstor.org
sid. We'll tlk more next time, he sid nd stood up so I knew our time ws up. Now when you think of Blcks nd blck kids' rms full of needle holes nd toes chewed by rts?you just stop thinking. So this morning when I got on trin, I determined to think unthink ble. Hermn Khn sys ten-megton bomb or mybe three of m mims thirty million people nd kills ten million in n re of popultion density like Jersey City if it's jm-pcked with enough Jews, Indins nd Blcks. John Newmn sys tht's Idiot Arithmetic. Hermn Khn sys sme ten-megton bomb dropped in Rocky Moun tins will only wound five thousnd Americn Indins, kill no Blcks or Jews nd kill remining bufflo (except for those in zoos, protected by underground shelters with wlls three feet thick, with steel plte two inches thick, provided y re protected by fifty feet of dirt nd shelter is t end of curved corridor). Also, Rocky Mountin gots my be wiped out or on or hnd ir gonds ffected. I found no comfort in three women on Jersey Centrl pltform: blck-hired one-eyed womn, round-clved dwrf womn lw crrying yer's briefcse or white-browed middle-ged goddess with shky legs. I couldn't do wht I intended on this rilrod becuse y hve no Blcks, just commuters. But on tubes to Jersey City, I hd my chnce. I stred t blck mn in rilrod cp, very respectble blck, picked good type purposely, hrd-working mn, no bum or welfre mn or ddict. I sid in my hed?nigger, nigger, nigger. Now, I'd done it. Then I tried to stop but it cme gin. I tore my hed wy nd looked t young white couple sit ting in corner opposite me. He hd berd nd she hd dirty neck. A book with words "Mo?On Contrdictions" in bold letters ly on his lp over New York Times. She nuzzled him on neck. Then she twisted his hed side wys nd took her two dirty fingers nd probed with m under his chin. To one side, where his berd ended, she found wht she wnted. With drting mo tion, she squeezed with tips of both fingers. A white pustule broke nd shot out splttering her cheek. She wiped it off with bck of her hnd. He didn't cry out or flinch nd she rested her hed on his shoulder gin, her frizzy hir covering ngry mrks of her fingers. Lunchtime, I bought sndwich nd continer of milk nd wlked twenty blocks to prk. I st down next to mn nd told him I'm quitting my job. Why do you continue working I sid to him? He looked ngry nd got up nd wlked wy. A bum cme long nd st down. A prky with red nose wlked by swing ing his stick with nil on it. The bum sid, you think I'm bum. I sid no. I don't think so. He sid, I spend my dys in librry reding Diderot, Locke nd Montigne. I sid, how do you et? 46
He sid, I live with my der old D. He's on pension. I tested him. I'll give you job. Wlk bck to my office with me. He sid, tht's wht I wnt. A chnce to rehbilitte myself. I knew you were gentlemn. At door to my office, he sid, I've chnged my mind. How bout fifty cents, insted? I sid, why don't you sk for dollr? Are you hungry? He sid no. I wnt some wine. Fifty cents will buy pint. A dollr could get me drunk. You're n honest mn, I sid nd gve him fifty cents. Tht night, I told whole story to my wife. I'm quitting work too. It's best thing. She slid off bed nd lnded on floor, luckily on rug. She cried nd wouldn't stop. She moned nd wgged her hed from side to side, n unpretty sight. I looked t her, this strnge womn I hd been mrried to for twenty yers, nd tried to do right thing: to wish she would stop crying. I didn't cre. Finlly, she stopped nd st with her hed hnging down. She wore ple blue nightgown nd through it her nipples, drker prt, puckered prt round nipples, looked blck. How to rech her in some wy? You're only womn in world for me, I thought. I couldn't be hppier mrried to nyone else. Or short nd blunt, you're sexiest wife in Megpolis. All old stuff. So I st down cross from her on floor. She rised her hed nd sid, see plese mn. He'll sy you hve to keep working. I know he will or you'll become vegetble, hlf mn. Wht will become of us? Think of children! I rised my foot nd brushed her nipple with my big toe. I hd never done tht before. She grbbed toe nd twisted it, lmost broke it off. Now I know she's tired of me sexully. Never thought tht would hppen. I'd mke plns. She cried gin. I didn't cre. I told her, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt. I took four white pills nd dropped into bed. She st lening ginst bed. I sw bck of her scrwny neck nd her hed bent to one side nd long brown hir. I slept nd didn't drem. In my office next dy, I picked up phone nd clled by friend's wife. She is six feet tll nd erth mor of us ll so I felt free to tlk. I hurt, I sid. Wht shll I do? She told me her mor-in-lw ws dying of cncer. I could see she didn't understnd so I hung up. Reluctntly, I clled nor friend's wife. Wrong number. This littie thing hs lots of trouble. A Moist husbnd serching for revolution in Lower Su burbi. A one-bedroom prtment nd two drippy-nosed kids. And books, thou snds of books (hevy ones, too), tht fll from shelves bove double bed in living room, striking her shpeless body when she sleeps with her mn. Diled gin. I'm resonble so when I herd her hello, hello, her voice trembling with disster, I just replced receiver. Opening pill jr in my desk, I shook one on my plm. I thought I hd pink ones now but big yellow crtwheel rolled off my desk, until it stopped 47 Fiction
ner Clown No. l's shoe. He returned it, displying it between thumb nd fore finger, with little bow from wist. I bowed in turn, clicking my heels, nd went to wter cooler, pill hidden in my plm. From cooler, I surveyed my ssistnts: Clown 1 ws busy on phone with his privte rel estte business; Clown 2's desk ws still empty, Commissioner's nephew I'm told, ly off him; Clown 3, still home for his fternoon np. The site hd three fmilies on it, nd se clowns didn't cre, nobody cred, but I hd to cre nd I'd ttend to it this fternoon. I rushed out of office to prking lot nd got into gency cr. Into strem of trffic, heding for Hollnd Tunnel, nd cr drove itself down to site. Two gs sttions, n office building, motor lodge nd prison-like Bli Brs fctory hd occupied western end of islnd, n islnd cut off by two hundred thousnd crs dy, twenty-four hours dy; on estern end, ner tunnel mouth, stood lst building. Next to it: piles of brick, broken crtes, chunks of foundtion cement, bottles nd shrds of green nd brown glss. Also, pitted hot wter boiler, toilet bowl split in two, old bed frmes, n overturned bthtub, its four clw-like feet in ir, white porcelin-topped kitchen tble with four chirs set round it s if diners hd just finished, tucked next to shelter of brick wll tht mirculously ws still stnding. I sw n lley ct creep stelthily into one side of pile of junk nd come out on top, looking inno cently round nd n crefully licking its white-stockinged front pws. I hd bombed ll Blcks nd Puerto Ricns from re, smshed ir homes nd herded m into neighboring tenements. The urbne blck in spector from Wshington wggled his finger t me, few months go, nd sid don't forget lw, boys. Find m decent, sfe nd snitry housing on non bsis. won't settle for less. Now let me see those discrimintory Wshington folders. Very net. Fine. He pulled one out nd glnced inside. All forms re in order. I see you gve m ll moving money. Yes. Seventy-five dollrs here. Yes. Signed vouchers in sextupl?cte. Everything OK. Cn't throw wy gov ernment's money. must Every penny be ccounted for. We HUD hve people hert, know your problems, but GAO folk re very fussy. I rubbed my fce. I hd just red ltest in-depth study of men's berds: light berd ment one is sexully stisfied; hevy berd tht one is sexully undernourished. Now I hd to fce Agnes whom boys hd persuded to come for n office interview lst yer. She hd milk-white, hevy-jwed but not unpretty fce nd she hd rested her brests on my desk, bending forwrd, exposing cleft from jugulr to belly button, sying if it weren't for her cts, she'd move out, she wouldn't cuse nice mn like me ll this trouble. A month lter, she clled bout het, insisting on me, no ssistnts would do. I cme down in fifteen degree wer, col furnce hd roring fire going, but she wore only bthing suit, modest dressmker suit under pink stin dressing gown. She 48
wsn't ngry when I suggested wrmer clothing nd she wlked up nd down gently shooing cts out of wy, occsionlly letting gown fll wy to revel hevy white thigh. Two sky blue prkeets flew round her hed, some times perching on her shoulder. She clled m Tweeter nd Tootie. The mbu lnce took her wy, week lter, but she ws relesed soon nd ws gin working t twine fctory. I dried my hnds on my hndkerchief, mopped my fce nd decided to tckle Elsie's Br nd Grill first. Inside Elsie's door, I stopped to ccustom my eyes to gloom. Above forty-foot br hung old fly-specked clendr pinups. There ws Rit Hyworth, her brests covered by hnd-lettered sign NO FREE DRINKS-CASH ONLY. Underneth picture, prtly covering clendr, nor sign NO CHECKS CASHED-THE BUCK STOPS HERE. A blck line wndered from end of this sign to Rit's crotch. And nor str of thirty yers go, I couldn't remem ber, but she ws sitting in cb of red truck, skirts coquettishly rised just bove knee, pouring beer down throt of hppy-fced truck driver. Not soul t long br nd just muffled hum of crs outside, pool of stle beer on blckened br, crumpled pile of clos twenty feet wy; foot stirred nd stretched under clothing reching towrd filthy brss ril. I took few steps forwrd nd whispered, Elsie, where re you? Elsie? when pony-sized police dog bounded out of door t fr end of room, its jws wide open, silent snrl on its fce. It rn towrd me, chin clnking long. I stepped bckwrd nd fumbled with doorknob, not dring to turn my bck; dog vulted over n empty beer cse in one lep nd n over body, springing t me. I sw fceful of teeth nd shrp blck snout nd put one rm in front of my throt when hevy chin pulled dog bck nd it thumped on floor. I didn't wit for Elsie nd pulled door open nd rn out. I wlked round to side entrnce, entered drk hllwy nd lened ginst milboxes until my hert stopped hmmering. I thought bout tckl ing two sisters on first floor; we hd offered m five prtments, esy to relocte whites even in this town. stinking No, better not, ir bror ws probbly home fter his night shift. I wondered which one he ws bnging, older len or prioress plump gry-shwled nun, or both. He ws known to chrge out door in bre feet nd suspenders shouting, stop persecuting se innocent The ll wnted to move to nice in girls. problem: y plce, good neighborhood, s m?nge? trois but bror insisted on keeping his own nme nd it ended in "icz" nd girls were "elly." Ah, if only he could choose between m. I opened inner door just enough to slip by nd tiptoed pst trio's door, up stircse, pulling myself long worn bnnister until it creked so I let go nd guided myself up by brushing left-hnd wll with my shoulder. I knocked The on rer softly prtment door. door opened crck nd I sid, Reloction Officer, Agnes. Don't be 49 Fiction
frightened. Before I could sk to be let in, door swung open wide nd re stood Agnes, white ct nd nor blck nd white one t her feet, nd tiger kitten in her rms. Come in officer, she sid, I ws expecting you. She gently dropped kitten on floor. I'll put up te. Then she turned bck to me, in sme pink stin wrpper, I remembered, nd drew me inside, hnd on my elbow. Wht pity, officer, you dirtied your nice white shirt. She went to sink nd wet towel nd cme bck nd begn to rub shirt t my shoulder. The kneding felt soothing nd relxed me nd her wide smock sleeve mde little flpping noises ginst my bck. I looked round prtment, noticed box under sink tht moved, emitting little squels (it smelled like pet shop, but clen one), brown tble nd two mple chirs, green esy chir nd plstic green hssock, behind it n iron metl floor lmp lit nd outlining full-rigged blue clipper ship on yellowed prchment shde, golden prkeet cge ner window, two quiet birds perched inside. In fr corner, bckless couch, netly mde up nd covered, three or four pillows scttered on top. No books or net nd clen nd bre. Three or four cts wndered mgzines. Very bout, wlking freely into next room nd bck gin; one ws on sleep couch. She stopped mssge for moment. A bd ct te Tweeter, she sid look ing into my eyes; her eyes glistened, nd Tootie died of broken hert. I put ct out, murderer; he still comes bck nd scrtches on door but I won't feed him. Come. I'll show you new birds. She linked my rm nd with slow sttely wlk I remembered, guided me to window. Two steel blue birds fced ech or in cge. Agnes reched underneth, touched some thing nd birds burst into twittering song, song tht didn't come from m somehow; n y begn to kiss one nor with jerky thrust of ir heds. I looked under cge nd tipping it to light, birds didn't turn, red "Trnsistor tube birds?mde in touched rm. plte, Ngski." Agnes my There's bd ct, she sid nd pointed out window. Then she drew shde nd reched under cge nd flicked switch. They only sing when I wnt m to. Silence. The birds stopped pecking, ir beks touching. I cn model suit for you now, she sid nd dropped stin robe to floor. She took off her steel-rimmed glsses, netly folded m nd plced m on window sill. I couldn't look into her ple blue eyes. Wlking to middle of room, she turned nd pushed white ct following her out of wy with her bre foot. Her shoulders were very white nd freckled s if y hd never been exposed to sun. The green flowered bthing suit underneth de murely covered her except for bit of thigh just bove dimpled knees. Awy from me she towrd center of gin; swyed room; on wy bck, she switched off lmp nd bck to couch, sinking into it s if exhusted. She stretched out nd pulled shoulder strps down just off her shoulders. She stred t ceiling. I st down next to her nd kicked off my shoes, removed my pnts nd cre m over fully hung chir, shirt still but clen dmp now, over pnts. I felt my bt nd ressured turned towrd Agnes. While she ly inert, I shucked 50
off her bthing suit. It cught on her hips nd she rised her behind resting bck on her elbows to help me, nd n I climbed between her legs. She grbbed me n, first hefting my blls in n pprising yet tender wy, n sucked me in side. Bending my hed to nuzzle her brest, I ws surprised tht thrusting bosom of office hd n disppered leving morphous fleshy chest. She smelled hevily perfumed unlike fresh corn bred nd butter smell of my wife. Lying ginst her flccid body, I remembered Clire in second grde? grocer's dughter in blck rin boots. I lwys rescued her from Indin mbushes. And Dorothy?long golden hir touching front of my desk?shipwrecked toger, never with ny clos on. I felt swet trickling down my bck; Agnes' eyes were closed. I moved in nd out slowly in moist drkness nd our bellies sucked nd flpped nd gulped. Lter, Leon hd sid, if you forced me to be intimte, I wouldn't know wht to do. And Edith of hevy thighs who would do ny thing if only I uttered mgic words, I love you. And ors, I remem brely bered? voice here, drk fce re, two budding brests, Eline?wht ws her lst nme; Smitty?wht ws her first nme. I felt myself shrivel inside. From n erly sex mnul I reclled "Ride 'em high," nd I moved forwrd nd swed bck nd forth, t first slowly, n more vigorously. As bed picked up creking rhythm, my bent toes slipped nd I felt something furry beside me, clinging with its clws nd brushing my right flnk. This is different, I thought, like being with two women t once. The tekettle begn to whistle nd I elbowed ct to floor nd brced myself on my hnds, esing out nd sliding in gin. Out nd in, while kettle shrieked, until I revived. Now, she sid. Now, I did. I disengged nd dressed sitting next to her. Thnk you pnic oficerze, she murmured in frwy voice. I on slipped my shoes nd herd her sy, you're not like colonel. Not t ll high nd mighty. A mn. I won't cuse trouble. Don't gentle worry. I'll find or rooms. I wlked towrd door nd turned round to spek to her. The bthing suit on ly floor; gry ct curled on top. The kettle nd peled I wlked to rnge nd turned it off. Her eyes were open now nd she hd drped pink wrpper over her. With my hnd on doorknob, I hesitted, my bck to her. Don't worry, my officer, I herd her sy, I'll leve s soon s I find home for my cts. Agnes, Agnes. I sid. It ws ll I could mnge. I didn't go to work next dy. I clled in sick for four dys nd on fifth, I typed letter of resigntion. All this time I voided my wife nd No. No. nd No. I fourteen-yer-old-girl, twelve-yer-old girl eight-yer-old-girl. sneked downstirs nd te when no one ws round. The second week ws worse thn first. I didn't sculpt. I didn't pint. I didn't strt to write novel. The third week, fter midnight, I decided to plnt beutiful grden. A ter rible drought tht June. With everyone sleep, I went downstirs, sneked out of house nd turned on front nd rer sprinklers. In morning, 51 Fiction
just sprouting zinnis nd mrigolds were crushed nd swimming in mud bog. I relized it ws too lte to plnt beutiful grden nd shut wter off. Six fucets were dripping. Two light switches didn't work. My wife sid house looked dirty nd needed pinting. The fourth week I bought pint. I pinted No. 14's room bright ornge. She sid pinting is good rpy. I pinted No. 12's room pumpkin. She sid she didn't like color. I pinted No. 8's room mgent. She sid it's beutiful. I sid ll colors must be chnged. My wife sid would I plese stick to off-white in living room nd dining room or nothing would mtch. I greed. I felt very tired when I finished Sundy night. I te lone s usul nd fter wrd I wshed roller nd pn in bsement. No. 8 cme down nd took my hnd nd sked me to go for wlk. She took me for wlk long river bnk, clutching my hnd ll wy, The river rn cler nd free. I dremed tht night. I drove our sttion wgon through desert, my wife beside me. The sun blzed, n ornge bll in cloudless sky. We pssed bthtub with plm tree growing in it. I stopped nd wtched shower ring over tub spry tree nd shut off nd go on gin. I looked t my wife. She ws just bg of bones. My hnd could ring her thigh. I could see her hert beting, much fster thn ny hert should bet through thin white dress. I wondered why she hd worn white for this dusty trip. I knew she hd not worn white to our wedding. She liked blue nd hd worn pretty blue dress. The rod ended nd I drove cross snd to shore of huge lke. I helped my wife out of cr. She wlked with slow hlting steps. We got into rowbot nd I rowed to center of lke. My wife triled thin hnd through wter. The sky grew drk. The wves got higher nd higher nd bot overturned. I reched for my wife's wrist but she slipped out of rech. Then I ws lone on strnge bre islnd. I shouted my wife's nme. I serched. I couldn't find her. I serched until I hd wlked completely round islnd. I threw wy ll my clos. I wlked over shrp stones. I cme to drk forest. I herd someone clling. I wlked deep into forest, into drkness where sun couldn't penetrte. I begn to run. I smshed into trees nd fell down. I got up nd rn I clled nd no one nswered. gin. In morning, I rose quietly, before my wife wkened, nd stred t her fce for very long while. She ws very ple for erly summer. I stepped into hllwy nd opened first closed door. I kissed my oldest on dughter forehed; she opened her eyes, gzed t me from gret dis tnce nd shut m gin. Into second bedroom, nd I bent towrd my second born when I remembered how lrmed she gets, screms nd yells if she is disturbed in her sleep. My youngest dughter slept, mouth open, tousled hed on little bed tht's pulled out from under her sister's every night. I knelt on floor nd kissed her on forehed, n on both cheeks nd she threw both her rms round my neck, her eyes still tightly closed; she pressed her lips ginst mine; she wouldn't let go. I hd to leve so I gently removed clutching hnds from my neck; when I 52
relesed her wrists, she slid her plms long both sides of my unshven fce. Only n did she lie down nd curl up on her side. My youngest child. I returned to our bedroom, strightened sheet nd tucked it round my wife's shoulders. I wrote note nd dressed in my hunting clos. Off I went to kill sbertooth. A little too erly nd little frid of strnge street, neverless, I sllied forth nd serched for morning rhythm. When I reched rilrod st tion, I stopped for my pper nd n mbled long with some ors, up fmilir stirs. I wlked pltform nd serched for or women in my life. The blck-hired womn with one glss eye looked over my hed. Chnged slightly, her hir no longer over eye, now it ws drwn bck nd held by ler nd bone clsp. The good eye stred defintly. And four-nd--hlf-foot-high ldy ws re too, s well formed s full-sized womn, crrying her blck disptch cse, slowly pcing on pltform her rounded clves nd tiny feet. I found third womn lening ginst wooden shelter, next to nor broken window. A white-browed womn with slightly upturned nose nd plti num blond hir, her blue polk dot dress (she never wore sme dress twice, must throw m wy) outlined her perfect, trim figure nd youthful brests. She lwys crried mystery book in one hnd, guns nd knives nd gore on cover; in town, she wlked blck poodle, lwys lone. I hd guessed her ge t forty-five, until one dy she hurried on quivering nkles nd tried to skip onto trin just s it strted to pull out. I stretched out my hnd nd helped her bord. She fell prt n nd prtly put herself toger, st down next to me nd opened mystery book. All wy in, her hed drooped onto my shoulder, her hed sgged, she sid nothing nd strightened up, index finger mrking her plce, nd dropped her hed gin, nd drew it up s if my should er were red hot poker. When we reched Penn Sttion, she sid to me, I'm much older thn you think. She never spoke to me or looked t me gin nor t ny or mn s fr s I could tell. were ll here. All They my women. I looked down trck nd sw red light holding trin, hlf-mile wy. In order of things, I knew utomtic switch would fll into plce, blinker turn green, nd trin would rrive. 53 Fiction