FEBRUARY 6, 2014 CHOWCHILLA, CA VOL. 3 NO. 28 PHONE (559)665 9470 To subscribe, E mail: chowchillacha er@gmail.com thechatter is published weekly by Central California Public Service Broadcasters ZUMBATHON & BOUTIQUE-All In For ALISON! Saturday, Feb 8, 9AM-1PM. Donation $20 (includes T-shirt), AVA Fitness Spa, 1501 E Robertson (next to SaveMart) Alison is 14 yrs old, and on the list for a heart transplant. All $$$ to the Garibay Family! Come Zumba! Come shop! Or just donate! Chowchilla Athletic Foundation s Annual Hall of Fame Dinner will be on Saturday, Feb 15 at the Portuguese Hall. Doors open 6pm Dinner 7 pm. Inductees: Darrell Stanley, J.R. Gillaspy and Steven Judd. $35/person. Auctions, Raffle Prizes, Induction Ceremony & Lots of Fun! Come Honor Chowchilla High Athletes! IT WILL BE A BLAST FROM THE PAST! FREE TODAY CURLY HUBBARD IS 102! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CURLY! THIS SATURDAY, FEB 8: Shakespeare on Tour Presents: The Tragedy of Julius Caesar, 12 Noon, Chowchilla Public Library. FREE Admission. Interactive playshop following. Presented by San Francisco Shakespeare Festival on Tour. For Info: Chowchilla Library 665-2630
Learn about the Grand Jury, Wednesday, Feb 19, 6:30 to 7:30 pm, Chowchilla Library, 300 Kings Ave. Presentation by Madera County Grand Jury Association. Public invited. Learn how your Grand Jury is a watch dog for local government. Light refreshments and a chance to ask questions. Join us and become a more informed, concerned citizen. Info: call Dan Hatcher, 559-201-9146 or 256-653-9906. Relay for Life Survivor Breakfast SATURDAY, FEB 22: 7:30AM-10:30AM Valley Harvest Church@ Faith Hall, 717 Robertson Blvd. $5 /person. SURVIVORS EAT FREE! Pancakes, Sausage, Coffee, Tea, Juice, Milk. Be Inspired! Speaker: Brandi Snyder, Singer: Jaye Etharidge. Relay for Life is May 3-4. A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts, "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?" "What's he look like?" asks a cowboy. "Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper coat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket." "What's he wanted for?" asks the cowboy. "Rustlin", replies the Sheriff.
CURLY HUBBARD will be 102! Please come by to honor him! TODAY -Thursday, Feb 6 1pm-3pm Home of Waneta Dower 340 S. 8th St Chowchilla Corner of 8th & Humboldt) NO GIFTS PLEASE! For info, call Jack Simon 665-2723 After eight days of backpacking with my wife, we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles. "Darling," she said, "does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"
As We Age ***It's scary when we start making the same noises as our coffeemaker. ***I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it. ***I think I've reached my sexpiration date. A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him an examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "If you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you." "I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone." When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom smiled and then replied..."i remember."
QUOTE FOR THE WEEK The happiest people don t have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything! Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about government benefits, especially GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed Airman Jones had a 100% record for insurance sales, which never happened before. The Captain stood in the back of the room to listen to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and said: If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government pays $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government pays only a maximum of $6,000." "Now," he concluded, "Which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
Thoughts For those over the hill **These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief." **Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches. Best of Craigslist: Lost your teeth? Did you happen to lose your teeth while jumping in the pool, or perhaps you took them out and put them poolside as you did laps and forgot to pick them back up when done? Well, they're waiting for you next to the POOL'S STAIRS where you DISGUSTINGLY LEFT THEM. Since there are so many old people in this complex, I have no idea whose dentures these are...i'm not about to touch them except to kick back into the deep end of the pool, if they're still there tomorrow. Come on, this is just N-A-S-T-Y. Don t forget... Is Friday, February 14!
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up. I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty." SENIOR POTLUCK SAT FEB 15-6PM-LIVE MUSIC WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual newspaper headline) Linda Burnett, 23, of San Diego, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up, her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One store customer became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed Linda's eyes were now open, looking very strange. He asked if she was okay, and Linda replied she'd been shot in the back of the head, and holding her brains in for over an hour. Paramedics came, broke into the car because the doors were locked but Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. They found Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise sounding like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out, but recovered and tried to hold her brains in until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging. A Mexican wins the lottery. He buys a 20 acres of land and hires an architect. I want my house built there, with big columns in front, and a marble foyer, and in the hall, I want a halo statue. The architect jots down what the Mexican wants, I'll make this a fine house for you! All the plans are made and construction begins. He searches worldwide to find exquisite columns for the front of the house and has marble shipped in from France for the foyer. The only problem is he can t locate a halo statue. Knowing religious symbols are important to many Mexicans, he looks month after month. The house is finally complete, but he never finds a halo statue. He takes the Mexican to see his new home. Senor! exclaims the Mexican. You got the columns in front of my home! The architect smiles. They enter the house. I love my new marble floor, Senor! states the Mexican as he goes down the hall. He looks puzzled. Senor, where is my halo statue? asks the Mexican. Well, I looked all over but could not figure out what a halo statue is, much less find one, says the architect. What? You don't know what a halo statue is? No, sir, I don t, replies the architect. You know, says the Mexican, It's that thing that goes 'Ringy dingy, 'you pick it up and say, 'halo statue?'
Q: What do you call four matadors in quicksand? A: Quatro sinko. A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins. "Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus." "We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin." "You're both wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when children have graduated from college and move out of the house." In the late 1800's there was a family traveling out west when they came upon an Indian Chief with his ear to the ground. "2 wagon trains, 3 men on horse back, 1 herd of cattle." Said the Chief. The family was amazed. "You mean you can tell all of that is coming just by putting your ear to the ground?" asked the father. The Indian Chief looked up and said, "NO! They ran over me ten minutes ago!"
A family admitted their frail, elderly mother into a nursing home. The nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a flower garden. She seemed OK, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two nurses rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed OK, but after a while, she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and again pushed her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how Mom was adjusting to her new home. "Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" "It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me pass gas." This week s CHATTER-ISM: Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes, she found a little lamp. She picked it up and wiped it off with her apron, when "POOF" out popped Genie. "I will grant you three wishes" proclaimed the Genie. The woman thought a moment and said "I wish I was the most beautiful 20 year old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around." The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp. The woman looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful. She was surrounded with scads of money in large bills. She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her. She giggled with delight at all of cash. Then she turned to look where her cat once stood. There stood a tall, dark, handsome man with a washboard stomach, and broad shoulders. She walked over to him. He put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"
Shop Chowchilla For Some Great Gifts for Valentine s Day! Friday, February 14 238 Robertson Blvd (559)665-3297
Friday, February 14, 2014
WHAT S HAPPENING! Publisher reserves the right to select and edit all submissions. To post a public or not for profit event, call (559)665 9470 or THURSDAY, FEB 6: CURLY HUBBARD S102nd BIRTHDAY! Please come by to honor him from 1pm 3pm at the home of Waneta Dower, 340 S. 8th St (Corner of 8th & Humboldt) in Chowchilla. NO GIFTS PLEASE! For info, call Jack Simon 665 2723. SATURDAY, FEB 8: ZUMBATHON & BOUTIQUE Fundraiser for Alison Garibay s heart surgery, All In For AlISON! 9AM 1PM. Tickets $20 (includes T shirt), AVA Fitness Spa, 1501 E Robertson Shakespeare on Tour Presents: The Tragedy of Julius Caesar, 12 Noon, Chowchilla Public Library. FREE Admission. Interac ve playshop following. Presented by San Francisco Shakespeare Fes val on Tour. For Info: Chowchilla Library 665 2630 WINE & CHOCOLATE WEEKEND, 10am 5pm, Wine tas ng, live music, local art, & lots of chocolate! For info: Go to www.maderawinetrail.com for par cipa ng wineries. SUNDAY, FEB 9: WINE & CHOCOLATE WEEKEND, 10am 5pm, Wine tas ng, live music, local art, & lots of chocolate! For info: Go to www.maderawinetrail.com for par cipa ng wineries. TUESDAY, FEB 11: FREE Food Chowchilla Food Commodi es, 10AM Noon, SFA Hall, 800 S. 3rd St. FREE food for low/no income. FRIDAY, FEB 14: HAPPY VALENTINE S DAY! Mon Tue Wed & Thurs Nites 7PM SATURDAY, FEB 15: Chowchilla Athle c Founda on s Annual Hall of Fame Dinner, Portuguese Hall. Doors open 6pm Dinner 7 pm. Inductees: Darrell Stanley, J.R. Gillaspy and Steven Judd. $35/ person. Auc ons, Raffle Prizes, Induc on Ceremony & Lots of Fun! Come Honor Chowchilla High Athletes! IT WILL BE A BLAST FROM THE PAST! Senior Potluck,6pm, Chowchilla Senior Center, Robertson Blvd. Bring a dish to share. All local seniors welcome! LIVE MUSIC! WEDNESDAY, FEB 19:Learn about the Grand Jury, 6:30 PM 7:30 pm, Chowchilla Library, 300 Kings Ave. Presented by Madera County Grand Jury Assn. Public invited. Info: Daniel Hatcher 559 201 9146