MONSTER SURVIVAL SKILLS DURING A GREMLIN OUTBREAK by D. M. Larson (This play is written for 3 actors. It can be performed with 2 men and 1 woman or 1 man and 2 women or three women. It can also be played by more actors with the parts of and divided up between several actors) ( is up on stage. His students are sitting on stage sitting at an angle to the audience so they look like they are listening to but the audience can still see their faces) Today we are here to discuss survival skills. What would we do if faced with an uncontrollable threat? Werewolves? Vampires? Zombies. Oh, man. I m sick of hearing about zombie attacks. How cliché. Zombies aren t that difficult to deal with. They move like 2 miles an hour. You just kind of step out of the way when they re coming.
Vampires are the scary ones. They can move with lightning speed and sneak right up on you. It s so exciting. Werewolves are way cooler. Think of all that power. Fine, then we ll talk about gremlins. Gremlins? Have there been gremlin outbreaks? A few in Chicago. How come that wasn t on the news? It was very hush, hush. They don t want people to panic. Wow, gremlins. They re nasty little creatures. They totally are. Hard to get rid of.
They make such a mess. Good so we ll talk about survival techniques related to gremlins. A vampire can outrun a gremlin though. So could a werewolf. Focus people. First of all, I want everyone to check their security cameras. Make sure you have good coverage at all your entrances. One missed angle or corner gives gremlins a chance to slip through. Vampires are very good at doing that. A werewolf would just rip the camera off the wall. Next, you ll want to improve your lighting. Don t allow for any dark corners where gremlins can lurk. They love the shadows. Vampires do too. Werewolves are so big they make their own shadows.
Next, install panic buttons on your computer keyboards or under desks. You need to be able to alert our security forces as quickly as possible. Often there is not time for a text or phone call, so the panic buttons allow for a quick response. Unless it s zombies. You d have a good hour before they made it through the door and down the hallway. Gremlins are quick. They won t give you a moment to think twice about what you d do. You have to prepare and train because any hesitation will put you in danger. Drill your staff on what to do and practice, practice, practice. You want their reactions to be second nature. Otherwise they panic and you lose them to the other side. I have a cousin who s a vampire now. I wouldn t brag about that. You want your staff to be aware of all your escape routes it s best to get as many people as possible out of the area so the security team can move in an eliminate the threat without potential casualties getting in the line of fire. But gremlins are fast. How can we outrun them?
You don t if you can t escape safely, then hide shelter in place. You need to have designated safe areas selected for hiding during a threat where you can take shelter until the threats are eliminated. Gremlins are light and motion sensitive. They go after anything that moves. Your best defense is to hide in a dark room that you can lock. Lock the door and close the blinds. If the door doesn t lock then blockade it with heavy furniture. Keep your cell phones off. The light will attract them. Vampires hate the light. I bet you could blind one with your cell phone. If you re certain you won t be detected, then contact our security forces. Give them the location of the gremlin infestation, the approximate number of gremlins, the potential victims in the area details, details, details the more we know about our enemy, the better prepared we can be. Be prepared that s my motto. Oh, you made that up yourself huh? Yup. You re so clever and original. Thanks. When our security team arrives, stay calm and show them your hands. The hands are the key to anyone who is infected by the gremlins.
What happens if you re infected? You don t want to know. Maybe I do want to know. It ain t pretty. If you re infested, you ll have gremlins growing inside you. When they fully mature Here is comes They eat their way out. I m sorry I asked. I told you so. So keep your hands free and leave behind all your belongings. We don t need gremlins sneaking out in your bags or purses.
What if you have a designer purse? Leave it. Even if it s really expensive? Especially if it s really expensive. Avoid sudden movements. Security forces will react to any quick motions. Gremlins are fast and require lighting reflexes so stay calm and move slowly around security. And don t be a screamer. ( gives a look) Don t look at me. That will attract the Gremlins and make security s job harder. What if you re stuck for a long time in your shelter? You should have water stored in your shelters one gallon per person per day and don t throw the water on the gremlins! It s not pretty. Is it true you can throw water on witches though?
Yes. ( is taking notes) Gremlins no, witches yes. Store at least a three day supply of non-perishable food, the approximate time it takes for a complete gremlin cleanup. Most other creatures can be cleaned up after in three days or less. What s the quickest to clean up after? Ghosts. Actually ghosts can be pretty messy if they re ectoplasmic. Good point. That s why you re the expert. Stop brown nosing.
A whistle is handy in your emergency kit in case you are trapped and need to get security s attention. What about a wolf whistle? They re kind of like dog whistles. They hurt werewolves ears. They hate them. Isn t a wolf whistle what a boy werewolf does if he sees a cute werewolf girl? Very funny. I thought so. Why are you always talking about vampires? Maybe because I am one. Ah! ( jumps up and runs away) I was just kidding. ( runs back in with a wooden stake. screams and runs) Well, that concludes our seminar. Stay safe everyone.
( runs past screaming with chasing him now. ignores them and leaves) END