LASCIVIOUS SURVIVAL A Short By: Joel P. Schneider
FADE IN: EXT. POST ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD Open on your stereotypical zombie apocalypse neighborhood with cars abandoned and slow moving zombie s roaming around. INT. SURVIVOR S HOUSE 3 bro type guys that survived the zombie apocalypse sit around a living room with open tin cans and other refuse lying about. Their clothes are tattered and their hygiene has suffered. appears to be the leader. He s restless and digs through cupboards to reveal their emptiness. acts something out as he is playing charades with. snaps. Stop the charades and get serious. We have one beer and a can of creamed corn between us. We see a few zombies milling around outside their boarded up window. (CONT D) We have to draw straws to choose who goes out next. and continue their game of charades uninterrupted. is acting out a scene. First he runs in place in slow motion and acts out the bouncing of huge boobs and the flowing of hair. Bay Watch?? signals to that he was almost correct and moves on to another scene. pantomimes climbing over a fence and getting stuck. He then takes off his jacket, pretends to throw it over an invisible fence, then climbs over it signifying that the charade fence is barbed wire. EXT. POST ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE NEIGHBORHOOD We see a NORMAL LOOKING GUY, clean and well dressed, walk through the neighborhood towards the survivors house with a case of beer on his shoulder and a paper bag under his arm.
2. He strolls as though he owns the place and the zombies visibly keep their distance. INT. SURVIVOR S HOUSE continues pantomiming the barbed wire fence and the slow motion running with hair and boobs flailing. looks increasingly stressed out. (excited) Pamela Anderson in Barbed Wire Got it. Damn you re good. (yelling) Shut up. Shut up. We need to eat. There s a knocking at the door. pulls out a revolver. Do you think that s Ted? Who the hell else would it be? You think zombies all of a sudden learned manners? Go check it out. looks out the window and gives a thumbs up. NORMAL LOOKING GUY (Ted) is standing outside with a group of zombies keeping their distance from him. It s Ted. We re clear. He may enter. unlatches the door and let s Ted inside. Nice day isn t it boys? All three BROs are hit with stink as Ted enters. They all gag as they back away. Shit you smell terrible Ted. What do you have there?
3. Ted sets down the case of beer and dumps chips, pepperoni, and apples from the paper bag. The BROs attack the food with vigor. (CONT D) Fresh apples? Where did these come from? Oh I took a stroll to Miller s Orchard on the other side of route 6. You walked there? The weather has been nice. Need to get my vitamin D after the winter we had. But you would have had to circle for miles to avoid all the walkers around the reserve base. Ted shakes his head no but his face betrays a lie. Just have to be sneaky boys. Choose your steps and routes carefully. The BROs stop eating and again acknowledge Ted s horrible stench. pulls his t-shirt over his nose. No problem getting around town but you can t wash that stench off of you? You just walked right up to our door. What are you hiding from us? What s your secret? Like I said, slow decisive moves. CUT TO:
4. INT. SURVIVOR S KITCHEN - 1 HOUR LATER backhands Ted across the face and walks around him. Ted has been tied up and appears to have gone through a thorough interrogation. The BROs all have their noses covered due to Ted s stench. sits in a backwards chair and watches. is pounding beers and trying not to watch. I think he s had enough. Who cares how he does it as long as he keeps bringing us grub. lifts the handkerchief covering his face to take a swig of beer. Ted s gifts are nearly gone already. lifts the revolver to Ted s head and cocks the hammer. We deserve to know his secret. Tell us how you get around so easily. Considering we may very well be the only humans left in town, I think I d like to know too. tosses a bullet. (CONT D) Why don t you actually load that gun? loads the revolver, lifts the gun to Ted s head, but doesn t cock the hammer. I can t tell you. It s too embarrassing. I promise I ll drop by every week with food just don t hurt me. That s not good enough. pistol whips Ted. Ted spits blood and struggles to gather is resolve. Fine - - - Fine I ll tell you. FLASHBACK TO:
5. INT. S BOARDED UP APARTMENT IN THE CITY - 6 MONTHS AGO We see Ted from the rear. He is sitting at a desk staring at a laptop and his arm is making the motion of masturbation. It was only about two weeks after it all happened. We had been without the internet for 12 days. Close up on Ted s bored, aloof face as we see his shoulder moving and hear the sound of methodical masturbation. The laptop screen is black and there s a beat up old porn mag laying on the desk. No porn. My imagination was fried. Not a human woman in sight ----- and I had needs. (V.O.) Maybe I don t want to hear this. Oh we do. (V.O.) We see Ted stop masturbating, pull up his pants, and angrily pace the room. I just couldn t take it anymore. My lone porn mag had completely lost it s luster - - Ted goes back to the desk and aggressively pages through the porn mag. He stops on a page and we see a close up of a model s face. Not even my favorite porn star could make me happy. We see Ted get pissed and throw the magazine across the room. It hits a boarded up window and knocks a board loose to the ground. Ted picks up the board and goes to replace it but something outside catches his eye. When I looked out the window I thought I was dreaming. What was it?
6. We see Ted pick up the porn mag and look back at the same model s face from earlier. He double takes and looks back out the window. It was her. Who? (V.O.) My favorite porn star. She was standing right outside my building. We see a SMOKING HOT ZOMBIE GIRL walking and bumping into the side of Ted s building. My favorite porn star, now a zombie, was repeatedly walking into the side of my building. Ted hesitates and looks really embarrassed. I can t go on. BACK TO PRESENT: INT. SURVIVOR S KITCHEN pulls back the hammer on the revolver. Ted is beaten and fears for his life. Oh you ll go on. Fine. FLASHBACK TO: INT. S BOARDED UP APARTMENT SMOKING HOT ZOMBIE GIRL is slowly stumbling her way to Ted s front door as Ted watches from the window. I had a raging hard on and now I had options to consider. There weren t many walkers milling around.
7. We see a wide shot outside Ted s apartment and it appears fairly safe with only a few zombies wandering at a distance. And it looked like she had turned pretty recently. Her skin hadn t even started falling off yet. (V.O.) Oh no you didn t. So I grabbed some extension cords and a big quilt - - We see Ted running around his apartment collecting these objects and dropping them next to his front door. He takes a deep breathe and begins pulling boards off the door. And I started pulling boards off the door. Ted has all the boards off the door and he slowly opens it. Right when she was within feet of my door I opened it up and lured her in. We see Ted pick up the quilt and back into the apartment as Smoking Hot Zombie Girl wanders in. As soon as she was in I threw the blanket over her head and tied her up with the extension cords. We see Ted throw the quilt over her and struggle to tie her up while fighting her off. (V.O.) I can t take his smell anymore. I m out of here. We hear run out of the room gagging. We see Ted slump to the floor huffing and puffing as Smoking Hot Zombie girl is now tied up and uncovered from the quilt. Once I had her well secured I threw on a rubber and- -
8. FLASHFORWARD TO: INT. SURVIVOR S KITCHEN is puking in the sink and is barely holding it together. You banged a zombie dude? No I banged a freshly turned zombie porn star. Don t make me look like a sicko. What s wrong with you? Considering everything that has happened how can you ignore the serendipitous significance of her arriving on my doorstep? Gross. Well you asked. You wanted to know how I get around without being attacked. I quickly found out that zombies do not like being penetrated. Like at all. One or two thrusts and she broke loose and sprinted out the door. Never saw a walker move so fast. So your having banged a zombie has somehow made you invisible to them. No quite the opposite. It s made me more visible but they keep their distance. stares at Ted with a disgusted glare. His gun hand shakes and he lowers the revolver from Ted s head.
9. (CONT D) Through horrible trial and error I ve figured out that they can smell that I banged a zombie. As long as I freshen up the smell every week they stay away. I m not proud of it but I ve been living like a king ever since. EXT. SURVIVOR S HOUSE Ted is thrown out of the house. Zombies that are close by turn and shuffle away quickly as Ted rises to his feet and brushes himself off. THE END