Modern Family. "Give 'Til It Hurts" By Kathy Fischer

Transcription

1 Modern Family "Give 'Til It Hurts" By Kathy Fischer Kathy Fischer 533 Prospect Avenue South Pasadena,

2 ACT ONE EXT. & S HOUSE The camera pushes in to a suburban home. (O.S.) Kids! Fill your boxes! INT. & S HOUSE stands in the hallway outside the kid s rooms. We need to put them by the curb tonight. carries a box overflowing with items. He sets it down next to two other boxes and a broken lamp at the top of the stairs. He sees the lamp. I could fix this-- (off Claire s warning look) But I won t because it feels so good to give. Claire pushes clothes deeper into a box. I ll say. Love unloading this junk-- (catching herself) --to people who can really use it. LUKE drags his box out of his room. I m done. LUKE That s my little giver. Let s see what worldly treasures you re offering up to the less fortunate. Claire and Phil look into Luke s huge box to see it holds a stick and a rock. (CONT D) Sticks and stones. There s a message here.

3 2. No, Luke. Real things. Games. Clothes. Things that hurt to part with. LUKE (defending) I love my rock. It s a great start, buddy. Really. But dig deeper. Feel the pain. Luke heads back into his room. INTERVIEW -- & They sit on the couch in the living room. It s important they learn to let go of things. And they re learning from the master. (re Claire) She shows no mercy. INT. & S HOUSE, KITCHEN - PAST Phil drinks his morning coffee, while Claire straightens the kitchen counter, throwing things away...including the kids artwork. Phil watches, stunned. INTERVIEW -- & As before. If it s not nailed down or clinging to the banister over there, it could find itself on the curb tonight. INT. & GLORIA S HOUSE and eat breakfast at the table. GLORIA enters. GLORIA Good morning! She walks up behind Jay and gives him a hug from behind and a kiss on the cheek.

4 3. Manny looks at Jay incredulously. Jay notices. INT. SCHOOL - PAST What? What d I do? If you can do it, why can t I? Life is toying with me. What are you talking about? GLORIA Manny hasn t found a date to the school dance...yet. (to Manny) But you will, mi amor. Just keep throwing your line out. Somebody ll bite. I already have. Three times. Manny stands with a girl, who looks grossed out and walks away. Manny stands with a different girl, who laughs and walks away. Manny stands with a confused teacher. INT. & GLORIA S HOUSE As before. You d think someone would enjoy some positive male attention. But I m done. Ask anyone else and I look desperate. INTERVIEW -- & GLORIA They sit on their couch in the living room. GLORIA My heart breaks to seeing Manny this way. I m thrilled. At least we know he likes girls.

5 4. GLORIA Me. I always just said yes to the boys. Ah, god. Bet they lined up. GLORIA No. Not so many, because my brothers, they would chop off a finger if anyone touched me. (laughing) My brothers. So funny. Jay looks horrified. EXT. & S CONDO. Lily cries. INT. & S CONDO sits at his computer. From the hallway, enters looking like a sleepless wreck - hair askew, dirty sweats. Lily s cries are heard. Okay, I m walking away. (taking deliberate steps) This is hard, Mitchell. I m feeling very Mommy Dearest. You sure this is right? Mitchell looks at his computer screen. Yes. It says right here to CIO. Let her cry it out. But are we sure that s her I m tired cry? Maybe it s her I need a hug cry. Looking up from the computer screen and noticing Cameron for the first time. Or maybe she just saw your hair. I m sorry. Not everyone wears new parent as well as you do.

6 5. SFX: BLING! Mitchell checks his . Oh, my God. What? What is it? Nothing. It s noth-- Cameron looks over Mitchell s shoulder at the screen. Cameron s face drops. Ah, a new Facebook friend? Lance Dupree? Really, Mitchell? Really? Cameron is not pleased. His lip quivers. Mitchell notices. Oh no. Not your jealous cry, Cam. Please, no. INTERVIEW -- & They sit on two chairs in their living room. He s just an old boyfriend who I don t care if I ever see again. Yet, you friended him. He lives all the way in San Giovanni Valdarno. That s in Italy. I don t care where it is, Mitchell. Because I guarantee you he s not there. Yes, he is. He s there modeling for Dolce & Gabbana. Cameron looks away. Not a fact he needed to know. Thank you for that.

7 6. Okay. Yes, he s hot, but dumb as a pitchfork. Oh. Like he wouldn t know that San Giovanni Valdarno was in Italy? Exactly -- wait, no. Whatever. What I m saying is he s six thousand miles away. No, Mitchell. No, he s not six thousand miles away. Okay, not exactly. But close. He s right here. Cameron indicates the space between them. END OF ACT ONE

8 7. ACT TWO INT. & S HOUSE, LUKE S ROOM Luke, Claire and Phil stand by Luke s bed. On the bed are a pile of different Play Station controls. Where did you get all these? Dad. LUKE Claire glares at Phil. I forgot he had one. Fifteen times? Luke looks to Phil. Well, they re cool. Each one s a little different. You ve got your trusty dual shock, your retro cool joystick, and, oh my God, the Thrustmaster, you kidding me? And, the Buffalo Bills pad, can t be a serious contender without that and-- --Lose half of them. Reluctantly, Phil nods in agreement with Claire. You re mom s right, buddy. No pain, no gain. Luke reluctantly grabs one to put in the box. Phil groans. INTERVIEW -- Phil sits at the counter in the kitchen.

9 8. For Claire s last birthday, I wanted to get her something she wouldn t have to clean, so I got her salsa dancing lessons. We got pretty good. INT. & GLORIA S HOUSE - PAST It s a family gathering. Phil and Claire show off their salsa moves. Phil spins Claire away and then grabs Gloria. Phil dances seductively with Gloria, ending it with a deep dip. Claire watches, hating it. INTERVIEW -- As before. EXT. PARK - PAST But Claire suddenly chilled on the salsa. Wasn t her thing, I guess. So she traded the rest of our lessons in for tai chi. Claire and Phil stand separately, doing tai chi, surrounded by old Chinese people. INT. & S HOUSE INT. HALEY S ROOM HALEY (O.S.) Little help, please. Phil and Claire enter and see HALEY on her bed texting. Her box is overflowing with clothes. (re: box) Honey, this is fantastic. What a show of compassion and love for the needy. I m impressed. And kind of surprised. Claire pulls a sweater out of the box. (CONT D) Wait. This is mine.

10 9. HALEY Yeah, it s too big for me. Claire looks to the closet. There s nothing but empty hangers. You re giving away all your clothes? Phil lifts a shirt from Haley s box that still has a price tag on it. He reads it. A hundred and fifty dollars?! HALEY Just doing my part. I think we re being too generous here. Yeah, put it all back. Start over. I mean with our kids. INT. & GLORIA S HOUSE With half the ping pong table folded up, Manny hits a ping pong ball against it. Gloria enters. GLORIA Ah, mi amor. I can play the ping pong with you. Just ask. Thanks, but that s okay. I need to get used to doing things alone. GLORIA What? Don t talk like this. There is a girl out there for you. I ve accepted my destiny and I m fine with it. INTERVIEW -- & GLORIA They sit on the couch in their living room.

11 10. GLORIA My mother had a saying. She said for every right foot, there is a left. My mother said marry a blind girl or get rich. GLORIA Manny s smart, talented, handsome... Jay expresses doubt to these, then adds:...rich. GLORIA I don t understand why he has this problem. Don t look at me. I did my part. INT. & GLORIA S HOUSE Manny plays chess alone, controlling both sides. Gloria and Jay enter. With her eyes, Gloria encourages Jay to talk to him. Hey, Manny. What are you doing? Looking on the bright side. Even though I m alone, at least I ll always be a winner. Listen, I m sorry about your recent string of rejections. I m trying to think of them as dodging love s cruel arrow. Yeah, well, what do you say we hang out tonight. Make it a guy s night? Root beer and poker. No women allowed except the queens in the deck.

12 11. Please don t take this as a rejection, but I m going to the dance. With who? Nobody. GLORIA You re going alone?! You can t do that. I know a kid who went to a dance alone and spent the rest of the year getting pushed into the girl s bathroom. Was it you? Hell no. Fat Eddie. Man, he was a fighter, too. He did not want to go into that bathroom. GLORIA What about your cousin? Alex. GLORIA (CONT D) Haley?! Alex? She s too young for me. At last count, you were both ten. I can t take her. I m her uncle! GLORIA It s just a dance. It doesn t have to be romantic. It can just be for the fun. No limbs attached. Strings. Huh? GLORIA No strings attached.

13 12. GLORIA And she could use some positive male attention. I can t argue that. INT. & S CONDO Mitchell walks in with grocery bags to find Cameron holding Lily in an awkward position. She s asleep. She s finally asleep. How long have you been that way? However long it takes to lose feeling on one side of my body. Aw. She looks so peaceful. Mitchell goes to touch her. Don t touch. Well, I have a surprise for you. He holds up tickets out of Cameron s reach. To? Only your favorite-- Wicked! --male singer-- Sting! --younger--

14 13. Clay Aiken! Gayer-- Oh my god, Adam Lambert! They quietly celebrate. INTERVIEW -- Cameron sits on a chair in the living room. We don t fight often, but when we do, it s like Christmas. Me, I like to talk it out. Mitchell likes to shop it out. I ve gotten a bread maker, a foot massager, a month at Jenny Craig, which opened the door to another fight that got me a Dyson Blueprint vacuum, Limited edition. I cleaned up. INT. & S HOUSE Luke grieves the things in his box. ALEX enters with her box. Claire pulls books out of Luke s box. Phil looks on. What are your school books doing in here? ALEX The same thing they do in his room. Take up space. Claire pulls them out. Alex sets her box down. ALEX (CONT D) Here s my box. Luke sees that her Alex s box isn t full. LUKE Her s isn t full. This isn t fair. Alex is giving in other ways.

15 14. INTERVIEW -- & They sit on the couch in the living room. INTERVIEW -- Alex is taking giving to a whole new level. It s amazing. She s volunteered to go to a school dance with Manny. She doesn t even really like Manny. I mean she calls him a dweeb. So I m a little surprised, aren t you? Me? No. Not at all. She s a good student. She s learned the lesson, your lesson of giving, and now she s running with it. She s a giver -- to family. It doesn t get better than that. I say A plus. Guess you re right. I underestimated her. Phil sits at the kitchen counter. I m giving her an ipod. Just one of the little mini ones. Nothing too much. Something she can hide in her pocket... from Claire. I mean this is a big give for Alex. She could be giving up her reputation. I had to accessorize her with some cool to balance things out. INT. & S HOUSE Claire drags a box to the curb. Phil enters from the garage, carrying a long canvas of Japanese calligraphy. Is this what you wanted? Yes. Oh god, chuck that thing. Her phone rings and she answers.

16 15. (CONT D) (into phone) Hello? INT. & S CONDO Mitchell wraps a gift as he s on the phone. (into phone) Cam and I need an emergency date. EXT. & S HOUSE Claire drags boxes to the curb. Phil helps. INTERCUT AND ON THE PHONE. What d you do? Nothing. Well. Kind of nothing. Just, well, three words. Friended Lance Dupree. Oh, Mitchell. Bod of a god, but brain of a pea, Dupree? I know. I know. So I have to make it better. Sounds like it could really set you back. Not as bad as the Dyson, but close. So can you watch Lily? Clare hesitates. Phil eavesdrops. Watch Lily? Oh. For how long? Excited, Phil grabs the phone. Dude, we d love to watch the little turtle.

17 16. INTERVIEW -- He sits at the kitchen counter. INTERVIEW -- I love babies. The before they can talk stage is the absolute best. Plus, I gotta keep the skills tuned. Never know when that old stork might decide to drop by. She sits on the couch in the living room. Don t get me wrong, I love babies. In commercials. On greeting cards. And strapped into someone else s car seat. I m so done. END OF ACT TWO

18 17. ACT THREE INT. & GLORIA S HOUSE Jay sits on the couch, flipping channels. Manny enters holding a stack of DVDs. When are you going to be done? I need to watch some DVDs. Oh, really? I could maybe watch a movie. What have you got? Saturday Night Fever. Footloose. Dirty Dancing, Flashdance -- Desperate for an out, Jay lands on a channel. -- Oh, look at that. A curling tournament. Manny rolls his eyes. INTERVIEW -- & GLORIA Hey, I ve got nothing against dancing. In fact, I know some ballet moves. The Tendu, the Degage, the Rond de Jambe. Kid s stuff. Learned it back in college during spring football training. But it was the damn Tour Jete that turned my ankle and benched me for half a season. What can I say? I m no Herschel Walker. Now the only dancing I want to see is at half time. INT. & S HOUSE Phil plops on the coach, exhausted. Well, we did it, Honey. We rode herd on these kids. I m too exhausted to move.

19 18. Not so fast, cowboy. We re not done. What? What else is there? Your office. Claire heads for the back door towards Phil s office. Come on, Claire. She s out the door. Phil jumps up and follows her. Claire! (CONT D) INTERVIEW -- He sits at the kitchen counter. There are very few things a man needs to be happy. A comfortable couch with a television. A decent job to provide for his family. A private place to call his own. And, bacon. Crispy bacon. EXT. BACKYARD OFFICE Phil chases after as Claire walks with purpose through the yard and heads for the separate guest house that Phil uses for an office. Claire, please. You can t go in there. That s my man cave. My crib. No chicks allowed. What are you hiding? Nothing. Why? What? Why do you jump to suspicion? It s just my secret place. It d be like me going through your diary. You did go through it.

20 19. I thought it was Haley s. Claire pushes past Phil and opens the door. She steps inside. INT. S OFFICE Claire is stunned. Oh my God. It s revealed that the walls are covered with all the kid s artwork that Claire has thrown away over the years. Claire steps inside to get a closer look. (CONT D) So all this time you ve been-- I couldn t stand to let them go to a landfill. I mean, look at this. It s our history in macaroni and crayons. He walks to the wall. (CONT D) This is Haley s section. Phil points to a Hello Kitty drawing, but Hello Kitty s arm is on fire. (CONT D) From her fourth birthday. Remember the Hello Kitty suit I wore, caught fire on the candles. That was a huge hit. Claire sees drawings of dogs. And all her puppy drawings. It s all she drew for like three years. She really wanted to have a puppy that would follow her around and do tricks. Never did get her one. Well, she has Dylan now. And Alex... He points to a beautiful sketch of a Mona Lisa-style drawing.

21 20. (CONT D) Alex s Mona Haley. All it s missing is the cell phone. Wow, I don t remember that one. It s good. Right? I mean, the smirk is dead on. Her attention to detail is impeccable. She gets that from you, you know. He points to a wall of paper with just single squiggly lines on each page. (CONT D) And Luke s drawings. They stare at them a little baffled. (CONT D) He says so much with so little. A true minimalist. I can t believe you kept all this. I couldn t just let it go. Claire is touched until she see a stick figure drawing of the whole family. Her hips are huge and round. She pulls it off the wall. Oh god, I remember this one. It s gotta go. Are you kidding me? That s my favorite one. It s beautiful. Well, it s good of you. He gave you Popeye muscles. I ve got saddle bags. That was such a bad year. You just had Luke. He drew this last year!

22 21. Those are childbearing hips. They re gorgeous. And so retired. Phil puts the family picture back on the wall. Claire looks around. (CONT D) Wait, what s that? She points to a small framed Post-It note over Phil s desk. Oh, that s just a little something I keep close by. It picks me up when I m down. Oh my god, I wrote that. Your first love letter to me. (reading) Love you with all my heart. Remember to pick up diapers. Oh, Phil. You kept my love Post- Its? I feel horrible. I didn t keep a single love letter you wrote me. And you wrote so many beautiful letters. It s okay. No, it isn t. I shouldn t throw everything away. No, really it s okay. I saved them. He opens a file cabinet and hands her a huge folder. You did? They re in chronological order.

23 22. Phil hands her the pile. Claire sits down and looks through them INT. & S CONDO Mitchell packs travel bags for Lily, who is strapped into a car seat resting on the couch. Cameron enters dressed up in a festive retro chartreuse shirt. Recognize this? Oh god, of course. You wore it on our first date. It was like dining out with a yield sign. Which you didn t obey. I had to sew the buttons back on. Cameron notices the bulging travel bags. (CONT D) What s all this? It s for Lily. Help me. What else do we need? I got the diapers. Baby wipes. Boo boo bunnie. (remembering) Ah, food. We re not heli dropping her into the Sierras, Mitchell. Believe me when Claire used to babysit me, she fed me mayonnaise. We re taking provisions. I want a worry-free night so I can focus on you, which reminds me. (handing him a gift) Here. Cameron takes the gift, but looks concerned. INTERVIEW -- He sits on a chair in the living room.

24 23. Two gifts? This is kind of like when my mother used to burn dinner, she d just cover it over with gravy. You d know how bad the damage was by the amount of gravy poured on top. All I can say is Mitchell s really ladling it on. INT. & S CONDO As before. Should we talk about this? It s been awhile since you ve had two gift guilt. Guilt? This isn t about guilt. I feel bad that I ve been distracted with work and your Italian meatball? No. Come on. We both know you ve had to pick up more of the slack with Lily. This is not a guilt gift. It s a gratitude gift. Gratitude? Yes! Cameron opens the gift. It s a small Elph digital camera. Oh Mitchell, I love it. I m sorry I ve been such a jealous nincompoop. This is very thoughtful. Come here, let s remember this moment. They stand together. Cameron holds the camera out and points it at them. (CONT D) Work with me and...smile. They smile. Just then:

25 24. SFX: BLING! Mitchell looks towards his computer just as Cameron snaps the photo. (CONT D) That was perfect. I m sorry. I just--let s do it again. No. Go check it, Mitchell, or he ll be the third wheel on our date. What? That s crazy-- Now Mitchell. Okay. Okay. But this is ridiculous. You know how many s I get a day? Lots of people me and-- Mitchell walks to his computer and looks. (CONT D) --ah, it s him. He sent pictures of his place in Tuscany and his long time partner slash love of his life. See. Nothing to be upset about. Mitchell opens them. (CONT D) Wait. That can t be his partner. Oh, she s very pretty. She s a woman. She s usually are. Wow, look at the size of that rock on her finger. But --

26 25. And what a spectacular house. You mean the four thousand square foot Tuscan closet he lives in?! I can t believe this. INTERVIEW -- He sits on a chair in the living room. Thank you, Lance Dupree. That beats the Dyson. Hands down. END OF ACT THREE

27 26. ACT FOUR EXT. & S HOUSE Cameron gets Lily out of the car. Mitchell notices the boxes at the curb. Then he sees the long canvas of Japanese calligraphy leaning on the boxes. What s this doing out here? Looks like trash. Mitchell pulls the long canvas from the pile. Trash?! I did this for Claire. I gave it to her for Christmas a few years ago. Well, I guess she didn t like it. This took a lot of time. I endured the drab classrooms at the community college to learn the perfect stoke. She can t just toss it! Apparently she can. Mitchell digs through the boxes. (CONT D) Mitchell, come on. (head in the boxes) In a minute. Just seeing if there s anything else that needs rescuing. Cameron heads to the house. INT. & S HOUSE Claire barrettes Alex s hair in the living room. Luke watches TV. Cameron enters with Lily in the car seat.

28 27. Hi everybody! Where s Mitchell? Digging through your trash. Oh, no. Phil enters. Hey, there s the little sweet pickle. Cameron hands Lily to Claire. Mitchell enters. (CONT D) She looks really good on you. (to Phil) Don t. Claire! Mitchell holds up the long canvas. (CONT D) What s this doing by the curb? Claire is lost for words. Ahhhh. LUKE It s going to the blind. Wha-why? So no one can see it? I-I didn t have any place to put it.

29 28. I see tons of empty wall space. And besides, it s not about that. You just tossed out part of my soul. I did this especially for you. It s your name with Peace on the end. ALEX It s spelled wrong. (to Alex) Don t show off. ALEX (to Phil) It chair, not Claire. You know what. You re right. I know exactly where I ll put it. On a wall. Yes, on a wall... (to Phil)...in our family gallery. What?! Claire squeezes his arm. (CONT D) (forcing) Great. Perfect. Japanese calligraphy. It s very soothing. Jay pops his head in through the doorway. Knock, knock! Jay, Gloria and Manny enter. Manny has on a chartreuse shirt just like Cameron. They stand next to each other. Nice shirt. Jay looks concerned.

30 29. Where s Alex? ALEX I m right here. Alex takes one look at Manny in his chartreuse shirt. She glares at Phil. ALEX (CONT D) Why wasn t I told it s an eighties theme dance? I didn t know. Swear. No. There s no theme. This shirt just sets off my eyes. I told him he looks like a yield sign. Right? Exactly. GLORIA I think he s handsome! You two make a beautiful couple. Ew! ALEX What do you say we put on some beats and you two show us your moves? ALEX I d rather poke my eyes out, thank you. Phil goes to the stereo. Come on Manny, my man. Show me what you got. Well, I have been studying the masters.

31 30. Phil puts on You Make My Dreams Come True by Hall and Oates. Phil can t help but move. He s terrible. Cameron can t help but dance, too. Manny busts some moves from Saturday Night Fever. Phil eggs Alex on. She refuses. Remember our deal. ALEX I want four gigs. Two gigs. That s what we agreed. ALEX That was before the shirt. Four gigs or I m talking. Four gigs. Okay. Four gigs. Alex starts to dance. (CONT D) How can you not move to this? Totally speaks to me. Cameron grabs Mitchell. Oh, look what s between us. What? Nothing Gloria can t help herself either...she dances hip hop next to Jay. He grabs her and pulls her in for a slow waltz. He has grace. Phil grabs Claire. They do a salsa move and Phil dips her like he did Gloria in earlier scene. (V.O.) Family is for keeps. And what you give to family, you get back ten fold. (MORE)

32 31. INT. S OFFICE (V.O.) (CONT'D) It s not always perfect, but I ve learned that beauty lies in the creases and tears and colors that go outside the lines... Claire sits alone at Phil s desk surrounded by the family gallery. The pile of Phil s love letters are stacked next to her. Her mascara is smudged from emotional tears. She writes a love letter to Phil on white paper. She erases it. Love for family grows like yeast. (she stops) Yeast? (CONT D) Like a blister. (looks at camera) I m just not wired for this like Phil is. I better just keep it simple. She grabs a Post-It Note and writes. (CONT D) (writing) I love you. Thanks for hanging on to things...including me. (to camera) Hey, that s not bad. She sticks it to Phil s computer screen. FADE TO BLACK. THE END