From the Desk of the President

Transcription

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2 From the Desk of the President KICKBALLLLLLL!!!!!!!!! Do you feel the same way as Sir William Wallace feels about such a noble cause? Great, because kickball is knocking at our door. The season starts this Monday April 13th. The schedule is posted on the web. The league grew more than expected climbing up from 8 teams to 14. Half of these teams are new so I would like to say WELCOME TO KICKBALL! Be prepared to throw your Tuesday at work away due to the debauchery from the night before. I hope you can hold onto your jobs in these current economic conditions. Without a doubt, your bodies will be hurting from all that dam booze. To counter the physical damage done I am trying to get all the doctors of the Kick in the Balls team to offer discounted liver transplants to any Crescent league lush. At this point I am not sure about who is going to beat who. Can my Swampstains or Jesus, Birdman, and their Ball Busters take out those dam Chocolate Salty Balls in the playoffs? Or maybe Johnny and his Balls on Top crew will be the Cinderella of the season? Will the Lady Antoinettes be flip cup guzzling beast? We will find out. The one thing I can guarantee about this season is that everybody will have more fun and excitement than a pedophile receiving an invite to Chucky Cheese. Ok, so coordinating three hundred people to play kickball and drink at a bar actually does take more work than one realizes. Taken that into consideration, I really don t understand how we have gotten this far with the cast of characters running the show. That being said let me introduce my hot mess of a board.

3 President Sean That s me I m just a social functioning alcoholic with a kickball problem (like the rest of y all) that runs the show. VP Rory The field general. He also handles the business when I am not able to. Ladies, he is a great kisser, but a little shy; so make a kill on this diamond in the ruff! Treasurer Katrina CFO. She keeps track of all the cash allowing us to make decisions on where to spend it for all of you. GMOT Editor Dave A badass magician on the computer that puts other GMOT editors to shame. Head Ump Dean A gentlemen that comes off as being reserved. He fools them all because he can and will deliver the kickball leg of justice in a brutal manner when it is needed. Social Coordinator Suanne She goes around snapping pics and recording embarrassing moments; so be careful. Also, she is consistently one of the last to leave the bar so don t try to outwait her. Suanne is going to have her own Dear Abby column in which any anonymous kickballer can her their kickball romance issues. Charity Coordinator Kayla She is the ideal person for the job because of her true passion for our charity cause. Flip Cup Krystal This little hot mess is overqualified in the art of flip cup because she won the Queen of the Hill final last season. WAKA Rep Decker He is the true Godfather of N.O. kickball and he has all the answers. Please thank the kickball board if you get a chance for their unpaid dedicated work.

4 Here are some tidbits for this season: The trophies will be more serious in both girth and length this year. Can t go wrong with that! The Queen of the Hill final three finishers each week will qualify for the big dance The playoffs will be June 13 th. Save this date in that calendar, as it is the apex of fun. We have an extra bartender at the Station outside that will be serving keg beer Our WAKA rep Mark Decker is personally buying a playoff keg for whatever team donates the most to charity during the season Please make it a point to pick up all trash on the fields Just like everywhere in New Orleans when you venture a block or two off the main strip you are suddenly in a not so good neighborhood. Please use the buddy system when going to your vehicles at night. VP Rory has confirmed with me that he will walk any ladies to their cars for no charge. If you are not the Captain or the co-captain of your team you should not be arguing with the volunteer refs. Please do not be a douche! All teams make the playoffs. The top two teams will get a first round bye. ALL TEAMS MUST show up with at least two people to Dean s ref clinic early Monday! On a more serious note, I think all male Kickballers need to be aware of a certain female kickballer that looks cute and innocent and can act quite the opposite. We will call her the shark. I will not reveal this individual s name simply because I am scared to. After getting liquored up on keg beer she morphs into the oldest living species known to man. She attacks drunken men who are not paying attention to their surroundings. This predator of the 8801 Sea goes for kickball rump roast if you will. Two Stains have had teeth marks on their tails to prove it. If you hear the Jaws theme music gentlemen, please step forward very quickly to avoid the attack. Beware!!!!! Gentlemen, would you mind turning around? SEE YOU ON THE FIELDS SEAN Genus: Carcharodon, Species: Kickballassdelicitus

5 Don t Ump My Game, Ump Yours! Please attend the Umpire Clinic at 5:45pm the night of our first game, April 13, We will discuss some new rules for 2009 and go over the most commonly-called rules of the game. This league operates on volunteer umpires. Each team is required to provide one umpire a night, and due to the number of teams in our league, a team must provide two umpires on some nights. Please check the schedule and ensure your team has an umpire present when necessary. Each game will have two umpires from other teams; one will be stationed behind home plate, and the other one will be by first base. The home plate umpire has the final say on all calls for that game and is in charge of providing the final game score to the head umpire at the end of the game. The full set of rules can be found at: However, since no one is going to read the full version of the rules, we have summarized the 24 most commonly-enforced kickball rules below: 1. The time limit for a game is 45 minutes. If a game is not complete before time expires, the score reverts to the score at the last complete inning. If the game is the last game of the night and both captains agree to keep playing into darkness, the score at the end of the game is the official score. 2. Each team must field at least 4 men and 4 women within 15 minutes of the scheduled start time, otherwise the game will be a forfeit. 3. If a team does not have enough players of the appropriate gender present to start a game, the team is given a 15 minute grace period after the official game start time. The 45-minute time limit starts at the scheduled game time, not at the adjusted start time. 4. Substitutions are only allowed in the case of injury or illness with a same-sex player. If the original player returns to the game, he/she must be placed back in his/her original kicking order. 5. Any kicker that does not kick in the proper kicking lineup is out. 6. Only the Captain and Co-Captains may argue a call with the Referees. The Head Referee's ruling is final.

6 7. Runners must stay within the base lines; fielders must say out of the base lines. Fielders cannot block the bases (stand on top of them) or interfere with the runner, or the runner will be called safe. 8. Neither leading off base, nor stealing a base is allowed. A runner may advance once the ball is kicked. A runner off of his/her base when the ball is kicked is out. 9. If there is a tie between a ball caught and the runner's foot/body on base, the tie always goes to the runner. 10. The runner may use either first base or the extra base, but must stand on first base before the next play begins. The fielder may only use the real first base. 11. The runner may only advance 1 base on an overthrown ball into foul territory (1st & 3rd); it s not a free pass to advance. 12. A pitched ball must touch the ground at least twice before reaching the kicking box. 13. The pitcher must have one foot on or directly behind the pitching strip when releasing the ball. A team s first infraction of this rule will result in warning. Subsequent infractions result in the kicker being awarded first base. 14. No player may field forward of the 1 st /3 rd base diagonal until the ball is kicked. A team s first infraction of this rule will result in warning. Subsequent infractions result in the kicker being awarded first base. 15. The catcher must be behind the kicker at all times, until the ball is kicked. 16. A kicker may not kick in front of home plate. An infraction of this rule results in a foul ball. 17. All kicks must be made by foot or leg, below the knee. Any ball touched by the foot or leg below the knee is a kick. Kicks on the knee or above result in a foul ball. 18. A double-kick counts as a foul ball. 19. Fouls are counted differently from strikes. Three strikes is an out. Four balls advances the kicker to first base. Four fouls is an out. 20. The strike zone extends one foot from the sides of home plate and one foot above home plate. 21. If the ball is in play and touches the runner or any part of the runner s uniform, the runner is out. 22. If a fly ball touches an obstacle or is purposely bobbled by the person catching it before it is caught, the play is considered dead and the player is not out. 23. Bunting is allowed and, the ball only has to cross one ball length in front of home plate to be considered fair and in play. 24. Once the pitcher has the ball in control and retains possession of it on the mound, the play ends.

7 Flip Cup and You Okay all you Kickballers Most of you know who I am, but if not, I'm Krystal, I'm always the drunken fool crying over Robert! I'm pretty sure everyone knows how to play flip cup, but if you don't then read the rules, grab a beer and start practicing! Here in lies the rules to the right honorable game of Flip Cup. As a great equalizer, it is important said game have rules to provide for a fun, fair, and consistent game of play. Be nice. This is a game of gentlemen and kind ladies. It is not an exact science, no matter how good you think you are at it. While you are free to tell off your own teammates for failure to flip their cup or drink fast enough, you are not free to tell your opponents to f@ck off. Failure to follow this rule will result in your developing a bad reputation and a universal hatred of your team. Excessive violation of this rule may result in serious sanctions against an individual and/or his or her team. Game play shall go as follows: Opposing teams will begin each round within a game by matching up. This is accomplished by holding your cup to your opponent s cup directly across the table. The starting people on each team then begin by cheers ing each other, tapping their cups on the table, and then commencing with the drinking and flipping. Cheers, Down, Drink, as the kids say. Flip cup is a relay race and so the next person in line drinks and so on until the end of the table is reached. The next round is started by the next two people in line and moves down accordingly with each round. The start always moves down the table with each round, however. If this is confusing think of it in terms of if you were the first drinker in this round you will be the last drinker (anchor) in the next round. So easy enough! We will be having 2 flip cup tables this year. Tommy will be running one table, and I will be on the other. Time will go by much faster, and then we can move into some King of the Hill fun! King of the hill is same as flip cup, only it is no teams. After you successfully flip, raise your hands and step back. The last person to put their hands up, is out, and so on. happy flipping :)

8 Charitable Causes Hello fellow Kickballers, I am Kayla (of the Memphis Mafia), and I am the Charity Coordinator for the Spring 09 Crescent League. This Season we will be raising money for St. Jude s Children Hospital in Memphis, TN. St. Jude s does wonderful work, and all the money we raise this season will help provide free care and housing for children suffering from cancer and their families, as well as funding research into an eventual cure. So without further ado, here is the plan for raising money this season. We are asking every player this season to donate $1.00 (minimum, feel free to donate more if you want) every game during the regular season. That s only 8 bucks over a two month period. While that may not sound like much, if all the approximately 300 players kick in every week, we stand to raise a nice chunk of change. To make things Interesting, the team that raises the most amount of money at the end of the season will win a very nice prize. Decker (WAKA Rep and Godfather of NO Kickball) has volunteered to purchase a keg for the winning team (out of his own pocket). So you can feel good that your donating to charity and possibly hooking your team up with booze at the same time. That s what you call a Win-Win Situation, people. So here s tentatively how this is gonna work. Every week, the Captain s will collect the donation money from their team and place it an envelope (I ll distribute envelopes to the team captains in week one.) Once they ve collected all the teams money for that week, they can drop off the envelope with me before or after their games. (I ll be wearing a black jersey, with the long pony tail) Each teams donations will be counted and added to their season total, which will be posted as standings each week on the website. After Week 8 a Winner will be named and that team will be provided a Keg o Beer, courtesy of Decker. I recommend hitting him up for the day of the playoffs, but it ll be your Keg to do with as you wish. Some fun and festive fund raising will also be present all day at the Playoffs Marathon Saturday, more details on that will follow once we get closer. So here s to a great season, and let s try and help some kids grow up to be future Kickballers, and further the drinking needs of some lucky team!!! Thanks, and have a Great Season!!! Kayla

9 GMOT and the League Page GMOT, what does it mean? Ghost Man on Third, it is the weekly newsletter/update for our League. In it, you will find humor and good old fashioned ribbing of the teams you played and are preparing to play. So try and designate someone to compose your teams entry and feel free to add photos if it helps you to get your point across and/or it adds to the humor. Once you ve got it the way you want it. Save it as a Word Document and it to me at: nolamite@msn.com. My goal is to have it formatted and made into a.pdf to upload onto our League s home page for your viewing and/or downloading pleasure by Friday morning following the matches. So please have your entry into me no later than Thursday, 6pm. Once the season starts, the League page will have not only the GMOT, but the Team Standings in Kickball, Team Standings in Flip Cup, and a weekly update of the Charity Fundraising and Team Donation Standings My goal is to have all three of these Tables updated and posted on our Page by Tuesday Evening following the Matches on Monday. Aight Den Kiddos Dave NOLAmite

10 Da Ballaholics Prepare to set sail on a boat full of fail, because we are going to sink your sorry asses like the Titanic. Got your attention? Good! Now get ready to be backhanded with some facts. We are more than just a group of kickball players. We are an elite assemblage of the most profound kickball talent to ever unite as a team, breading an unstoppable tsunami of skill demolishing all other teams in its path. All of us were born into this world with a mind for victory, the swagger of champions and legs that can send a ball flying like a long range North Korean missile. We breathe in air and exhale greatness. We eat breakfast and by noon we crap out the complete works of Da Vinci. Second place??? We can t even believe that s something that s real. We are coming for you no retreat, no surrender! We d rather die than live in a world where we can t kick your ass. If there is on thing Da Ballaholics hate, it s losing! If there are two things we hate, it s losing and a tapped keg! See you on the field. Holla.

11 Chocolate Salty Balls WAKA has brown envy By Coco Pebbles In a startling move last month, the WAKA Kickball Kingdom discontinued the brown team color choice and many teams around the league are pissed. WAKA had no official comment but a WAKA insider said the decision was made to reduce cost. He said that brown is an expensive color because it requires three primary colors (red, blue and green). We only have primary colors as a selection. We also saved on internet text costs by taking out five letters Chef protesting WAKA s decision to ban brown as a team color. (B-R-O-W-N). The savings of cutting out brown was a net $1.35 a year which added to our total gross revenue to 10.6 billion a year. The WAKA insider also said that brown was offensive to Brown University. Students were offended that a bunch of drunken adults playing a kids game of kickball in Brown jerseys was offensive and demoralizing. We could not reach a Brown student for comment because they were all at Space Camp for Spring Break. Chef from Chocolate Salty Balls would not comment on the issue unless I slept with him. After a long love making session with 6 other women he said, Have those CRACKERS at WAKA lost their mother F-en minds? They would love to have chocolate salty balls but they can t and they are trying to take them away from me. They have Brown Envy! he added. In response to the color ban, Chef plans to have his players wear brown in protest and stated, Brown is the new black.

12 BALLS ON TOP Dearest members of LA Crescent Kickball, As a new team, we d like to take this opportunity to introduce ourselves to the rest of the league. We are not Marshall. We are Balls On Top. Our tongues are firmly planted in our cheeks. And while anyone and their mother can roll through life with a take-noprisoners-we-are-the-shit-because-we-just-are attitude that defines being Balls On Top, you are not on our team so keep dreaming and take a number. We are a team of hot chicks and dashing gentlemen. We are suave. We sashay around the bases with hypnotic style and grace. When you talk to us, you will cream your short-shorts so be careful. Our red-hots always hit the G-spot. The regal purple uniforms showcase all of this. You re welcome. As far as our kickball skills, let this little tidbit help you to better understand. We are undefeated. We have never lost a game. No foe has ever walked off the field in victory against us. But please don t let this alarm you. We are not here to spoil the fun. We had a team meeting just the other day and decided that we are too pious a team to allow this to continue. We are not in a fun kickball league to hand out nightmares. Consider any wins we grant you in the regular season cushioning for the ass pounding you will receive in the playoffs. For at that point, it is even out of our hands. To the teams with delusions of flip cup glory, please read this paragraph again and substitute flip cup where you see kickball. Before we get to our Weak 1 opponent, allow us to tell you all that we know how to spell and we think the league reps are doing a great job at getting the red ball bouncing. We are in full support of Sean as president. At this point, let it be known that our thoughts on his running the league are separate from our thoughts of him as a kickballer. Weak 1 opponent: Swampstains. Quick question for the Stains, don t you just throw away Depends after one soil? A stain would classify any spot on a garment with intent for re-use, and that s just gross. Way to keep it classy. We pray that it isn t muddy for this game at least on the fields. Even though we are a new team, there are rivalries in this game that are now in its third generation. May the heavens part for this one with many eyes looking down. But let s just hope the heavens don t part too much because we all know Sean can t handle that much sunlight. We ll bring SPF 230 to help with the curse lain upon you. And BJ, quit giggling. You re kicking style is like a hobbit dancing to techno.poorly. Just because you can still do the belly roll, doesn t mean it s still 2001 and you can party with the 5 th letter of the alphabet. Grow up. Being vertically challenged is no excuse. Oh, and SPF 230 doubles as hair gel. To the rest of the Swampstains, 2 nd place is the first loser. How are you going to handle 3 rd? Warmest regards, Balls On Top

13 Ballbusters Who ya gonna call, again? Ballbusters!!!!! We re back for our second season and this sequel looks better than the first. With many returning players as well as some all-star recruits, the Ballbusters are ready to slime the competition both on and off the field. From kicking to flipping, we ain t afraid of no team. We ve upgraded in Hales with Krystal s sister joining the Ballbusters while she returns to the Swampstains, but I m sure we ll see her again next season. We ve also obtained a couple of ex- NFL punters in our roster. So consider yourselves warned. Oh and it appears as though the Birdman has been hanging out with A-Rod during the off season, wink wink. I just hope there s no piss test for kickball.. The Ballbusters are ready to take it this season, I just hope y all are prepared for it!

14 Memphis Mafia Taking Care of Business since the Fall of 08, the Memphis Mafia is the Semi-Official Sports Wing of the Krewe of the Rolling Elvi. Bringing a little less conversation and a lot more action to the Fields we went 8-0 versus the keg last season. Win-Loss Percentage in actual Kickball games was a little lower. However, we pride ourselves as a team that brings fun, a competitive spirit, and a goal of being Bunt-Free to the Fields and the Flip Cup tables every week. Can we kick and run bases with a belly full of beer and fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches? You better believe it We re just like any other team, we put our kick ball shorts on one leg at a time, but then we make Gold Records. We ve had a few changes in our lineup, but we re now stronger, faster and ready to run through this league like a 48cc Scooter. We Pledge Allegiance to the King, Elvis Aaron Presley And to the Rock, for Which he Stands, One Team, Playing Kickball, Taking Care of Business in a Flash See Ya ll out on the Fields