G A IN HOUSE NEW VOICE g. Saving Angelfish MICHELE MATHESON. ınhousebooks

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1 G A IN HOUSE NEW VOICE g Saving Angelfish MICHELE MATHESON ınhousebooks

2 Copyright 2006 Michele Matheson All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner hatsoever ithout ritten permission from the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or revies. For information, contact Tin House Books, 2601 NW Thurman St., Portland, OR Published by Tin House Books, Portland, Oregon, and Ne York, Ne York Distributed to the trade by Publishers Group West, 1700 Fourth St., Berkeley, CA 94710,.pg.com ISBN First U.S. edition 2006.tinhouse.com

3 To my mother and father, for their enduring patience and ill to love.

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5 one M AX LIES ON the beach ith one night clean. The sickness is beginning, and still, she has an odd, vaguely familiar feeling of being alive. Considering it s a typical Los Angeles inter morning, about fifty degrees, and she s don to a hundred pounds, not a lot of hair on her head, and coming off heroin, she s surprised she hasn t frozen to death. She can thank a Canadian postoman s jacket for that. The ocean s rushing and aiting sounds put everything into perspective. It rumbles and sighs like it s lonely. She listens. The surf is a force to be reckoned ith. Sometimes it s calm. It sleeps and dreams. And underneath, the fish, the plants, they move like eyes rolling back and forth under the surface of an eyelid. Other times the sea sells like a heart. A big ave could kill me, Max thinks. She sees herself float on it. The sun is

6 2 michele matheson drying the salt in her eyebros and nose. It s easy to appreciate these things hen it seems you re going to die. Max sneezes. Her eyes ater and she ipes them. She holds her hands in front of the sun to block the light. The aves come at her. They come in and go out again, over and over. The ocean is either very giving or it s completely nuts. The veins on Max s hands are green same color as the Pacific. The idea of relief floats into her mind: sticking the needle in real fast and hard, pushing don on the plunger instead of a careful tap tap tap. That ould feel good. Then she remembers Ernest s line: What ould love do? Max had looked at Ernest from here she sat; on the toilet, balancing the needle and the bag of dope on her lap, holding the arm crack pipe in her hand. It asn t a test question his mind asn t made up yet. His hite knuckles squeezed the doorknob. The other hand he put in his pocket because he anted to punch the door or smash the crack pipe in the tub, but he d done that before. She kne that he as asking her to make his decision. What should she have said? Love ould never leave? She atched the tentacle connecting them fall to the floor, titching and bleeding like a hooked eel. Her cells tightened, suffocating hat light as left inside her. I don t kno, she d said. If he ould just stop looking at me and shut the damn door, I can finish this hit. She d had the urge to thro a bar of soap at him so he d get out. Ernest, like he as sorry, like he as rong, said, It ould save me from you. And then he left. The sand is hard under her body. Her legs ache. Inside her chest is a pain like something belongs there.

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8 4 michele matheson head on the pillo next to Phyllis, enjoying a lazy rub. Zelda and Phyllis have exactly the same color sandy hair. Sitting in a hite icker rocking chair, earing tennis shorts, striped socks over his skinny ankles, and perfect silver hair, a Buddy Rich tune stuck in his head, is Eddie. He is drumming a beat ith his fingers on the arms of the chair. Thirty years ago he used to run ith Buddy. He ent to every one of Buddy s Los Angeles gigs. Sometimes Buddy ould let Eddie sit in. Eddie sold the drum set Phyllis gave him hen he moved into his on apartment up the street tenty-to years ago. What about Max? Do you think she ll live? Phyllis asks. She presses the old red rubber ice pack harder onto her cheek. Eddie keeps drumming, the tap of his foot building into a crescendo. Before he stopped contact ith her ten months ago, he d occasionally leave messages on Max s ansering machine ith no ords, just a rapid and gleeful jazz pattern, making the most of the tonal quality of pots and pans. On one recording, he did sing to her, I can t carry a tune in a bucket, I can t carry a tune in a bucket. I can t carry a tune, can t carry a tune, I can t carry a tune so I say fuck it. Eddie thought she had cleaned up and eventually felt the fool hen he looked at Max s eyes one night hen she and Ernest ere over at Phyllis s for dinner. Her pupils ere pinned as if the sun ere beating don on her. That s hen he stopped talking to her. Max, Phyllis repeats. Eddie drums a slo steady beat and the rocking chair becomes a metronome. Phyllis stares out the indo and picks at her cuticles. The half a pinky finger she chopped off carving a pumpkin never bends because the doctor seed it back on rong. In task, she alays appears good mannered and dainty.

9 I m not going to sit ith you all day, you kno, Eddie says. Good, she replies. They both gaze at a vase filled ith yello roses, orange lacing the edges of the petals. The baby s breath indicates that these aren t roses from her garden. But that doesn t bother Eddie. He has no reason to be jealous. Have you heard anything from her? he asks. None of your beesax. Phyllis keeps staring at the floers. She thinks they re pretty, but they change every day. If you cut the stems diagonally and change the ater on a daily basis, they stay pretty longer. Phyllis is a painter of roses and she ill never gro old. Actually, no. Phyllis looks at her painting of a perfect hite one preserved inside a dark blue background and finally says, I haven t. I as making sure. a saving angelfish 5 The ocean has no reached Max s sneakers. If I lie here, she thinks, and don t move, and let the ater ash over me, I ill stay clean today. If I can take the cold, I can be strong enough. Maybe the pill lady ill be selling at the clinic. No methadone this time, thank you. Some antihistamines ill help, too. When she drove by Eddie s apartment on the ay to the beach this morning, there as a sign in front that said Sold. What the hell is he supposed to do? The basement of Phyllis s house had been converted into an apartment. After she divorced Eddie and married a sad alcoholic, and then divorced him too a fe years later, she bought a house to blocks from Eddie in hopes that he ould help out ith Max. Eddie asn t too happy about the situation at first since it meant seeing Phyllis regularly, but eventually he began picking Max up from school and even coming inside their

10 6 michele matheson house and talking for a fe minutes. Max became a teenager there, and Eddie and Phyllis became friends. Years later, hen Max lived in the basement apartment, she kept things under control and neither Phyllis nor Eddie kne. But one afternoon Phyllis found Max unconscious against the tree in the front yard, and, at Eddie s insistence, she kicked Max out. Eddie could have lived in the apartment, but he s been content in his rent- controlled place for the past tenty years. Though he may no longer have a choice; the old cottage-style complex is going to be torn don and replaced ith a generic condo. Eddie s probably been aiting them out. Being seventythree ith a heart condition has one advantage: it buys him time from the ne oners to find another place. The ocean has soaked Max s socks. Her feet are cramping from the cold ater, but soon they ll become numb. She ills it, and concentrates. Eddie says, I looked at an apartment yesterday. It as dark and had a vie of a Dumpster. Aful. Today I m supposed to look at a retirement complex. Could be pretty neat. There s a community kitchen and dining room. For breakfast and lunch, I can use the kitchen. At dinner they feed us, so at least I ouldn t have to cook for myself every night. I onder hat kind of slop they have. You re really depressing me, Phyllis says. Hey, stop it. It could ork I like Spam and airplane food. Ten years in the Marine Corps had cultivated Eddie s appreciation for processed food. Max clutches the fabric inside the pockets of her coat. She s afraid that sitting around ith a bunch of old farts talking

11 saving angelfish 7 about ailments and medications ill kill Eddie. He doesn t like bingo or bridge. Max feels hot ax melting inside her chest. She onders, hen people get old, don t their expectations of others gro old too? Can expectations ever die? You are not a normal old person. You don t belong in a place like that, Phyllis tells Eddie; she drinks in the vision of her fresh roses again and falls more deeply into the Vicodin. I ant a piece of licorice, Eddie says. He gets up from the chair. No he is antsy. Give me a piece of licorice. No, don t move. Rest your face. Eddie leans against the high bed and tugs a rope of licorice from the tub. He pops it in his mouth and starts cheing loudly, smacking his tongue against the roof of his mouth, exposing bits of the red stuff. You re disgusting and obnoxious, Phyllis says. Are you hungry? There s leftover Chinese in the fridge. Are you going to eat it later? Does it look like I can che? Phyllis decides she d rather be atching a movie. I ll eat it later. I m going to go look at this place. The old folk s home? Phyllis s gin figs are mixing ith the Vicodin, making thoughts hard to find. Ja ohl. I ish you ouldn t goddamnit, it s a place to live. Don t look at me like that. Okay, it s a fucking hippie commune for people ho happen to be over sixty-five! I m just looking around, exploring my options. Eddie never means to lose his cool, and he as supposed to be there to take care of Phyllis before she passed out. Edard. Edard, ill you stay here a little hile, I ant to talk at you.

12 8 michele matheson Phil, stop it. He had intended to stay longer, but he needs to finish a crossord puzzle, or atch the nes, or boil some eggs for a tuna salad. Don t, Eddie. I m not saving the place for her. It s been empty to years. I d think you need the money. But see ho things ork out. No it s available for you. I don t need it. Eddie, I ould like it if you stayed ith me. I mean, donstairs. I finally ashed her blood off the ceilings and the bathroom and cleaned the stove and the draers. Everything. We can paint the hole place yello. Bright yello. I as going to do that. But you never did. Max likes the ay Eddie looks at Phyllis for just a second before he kisses her on the forehead. Call me if you need me. Eddie alks don the hall into the kitchen. He peeks in the fridge at the Chinese food and decides he ll let it go for a hile. To full garbage bags spread open on the floor are attracting flies. Eddie ties knots and carries the bags outside to the trash cans still on the street. He rolls the cans to the side of the house and notices the hose isn t coiled properly. He fixes it and leaves before he can notice anything else. Phyllis lies in her bed. Perfect timing. Her television automatically turns on because she programmed The Postman Alays Rings Tice ith Lana Turner and John Garfield. Zelda gnas at a beef bone at the foot of the bed. Max s legs are underater. Did she say her hole body had to be et and she d stay clean or are her legs enough? She

13 saving angelfish 9 ipes her leaky nose, takes deep breaths as her legs get used to the cold. The chill distracts from all the other aches. People can go lifetimes ithout just stopping for a second. Max resists getting up. She thinks of Eddie and Phyllis again. Ernest. He stood still and everything stopped. Max rolls to her side, soggy, and sits on her knees. Her heels press into the seat of her pants. In the hard sand ith her finger, she rites: I remember you. Please remember me, like I remember you. I m alive. She alks on her knees to touch fresh sand and finish. I m in here somehere. You are everyhere. What do I do? She is riting to no one in particular, but the ocean has alays had ansers. Max checks the date on her pager. She signs it: Max Gordon. December 16, Still on her knees, she arms her hands in her armpits and reads the scribbled letters. The aves creep forth. Colder than she s ever been, she stands up and starts alking before she sees the ocean take another ord. She ll go to Lenny s house. Hopefully he ants to be clean today, too.