CC: Sorry I m late my finger got caught in the punch clock at

Transcription

1 1 SCENE 1 HOUSELIGHTS: Out. LIGHTS: Pre-set down SOUND: Pre-show down. SOUND: Jalisco! SPOTLIGHT: UP BRANDON enters HALL wearing duster and cowboy hat carrying a cigar. BRANDON: (Intro and improv with audience about season 4 and the show tonight.) SPOTLIGHT OPERATOR throws bag of pop-corn at BRANDON. BRANDON throws pop-corn on the audience. SPOTLIGHTLIGHT: Out. SOUND: Roman fanfare. BRANDON exits in the dark. SHERIFF enters HALL in the darkness wearing a Roman soldiers uniform. He holds his Helmut in one arm and a large sword in the other. He wears a name tag that reads: Hello, I m Maximus. LIGHTS: Generals up slowly. Enter MELODY SANGER town philanthropist and eligible bachelorette, HALL. She wears roman attire and a name tag that reads: Hello, I m Obtainable. MELODY: Hello handsome. SHERIFF: Morning. MELODY reads Sheriff s name tag. MELODY: Maximus you are a man of few words. SHERIFF: Yup. MELODY: Do you like my dress? SHERIFF: Yup. Enter CORDELIA CONSTANCE part time deputy, FRONT. She is dressed as a male roman guard with a name tag that reads: Hello, I m Falltonia. She is having difficulty with her shield, spear, sword and helmet. As she enters she loosens each one, one, by one. CC: Sorry I m late my finger got caught in the punch clock at Reads her finger.

2 2 8:07 AM. Sorry I was late and sorry I am late. Enter SARSAPARILLA SPARK FRONT. She wears a hand fashioned toga over her buckskin outfit and boots. She carries a riffle and wears a name tag that reads: Hello. I m What-a-Flavia. SPARKIE: Oh, you dropped you accessories. CC: They are slipperier than you would think. SPARKIE: Hold this and I will help. SPARKIE hands CC the riffle which CC holds with both hands. SPARKIE then reaches down and begins to hand CC, the shield etc. This becomes a balancing bit for CC. MELODY: This won t end well. SHERIFF: Nope. Enter ARABELLA SIDERO HALL. She is dressed as a young roman woman complete with jewels and pearls. She wears a name tag that reads: Hello, I m Bella Brattus. ARABELLA: Miss Melody, this just won t do. MELODY: (to ARABELLA as she point to her own name tag) Not, not. ARABELLA: Miss Obtainable, this dress thing is all white. I mean so boring and the sash has no print, if it weren t for these jewels from your jewelry safe Enter Lonesome L Roy de Pompes Funèbres center stage through the doorway of his funeral home which is very narrow. LL wears a French Cavalier costume. He has a foil in one hand and a red rose in his teeth. The plume on his hat is enormous. As he enters he splits SHERIFF and MELODY. He wears a name tag that reads: Hello, I m La Grande Amoureuse. CC drops all of her accessories. She sits and pouts. LL: There s no need to fear Amoureuse is hear! LL turns to SHERIFF pointing the foil toward SHERIFF. SHERIFF holds up his large sword. I will get back with you. LL turns to MELODY. He takes the rose from his mouth, lowers the foil and kneels. I, la grande amoureuse, Lonesome L Roy de Pompes Funèbres present you with a rose. Such a rose which mates no no mates matches the blood red heart of La Amoureuse which bleeds with passion for you. MELODY: Look Maximus, Loathsome gave me a flower.

3 3 LL: Lonesome. MELODY: (to LL) I bet you are. ARABELLA: No, Kiddin. Now if we could get back to me. LL: Waft the fragrance of the rose. SHERIFF: Stinks. LL: No stink. SHERIFF: Wrong outfit. LL turns and stands facing SHERIFF. SHERIFF points to LL. LL: Oh, monsieur I think no. ARABELLA: Hello, me. SPARKIE helps CC to her feet and during the next sequence once again hands her all of the accessories. Enter MAYOR EMMA WROIDS HALL. She is dressed as a roman woman and wears an unusual hat. She wears a name tag that reads: Hello, I m Mayorelus Awsomus. MAYOR: What s going on why is everybody early. What good is it being Mayor if you can t sleep in? Can someone tell me why we need parade practice anyway? Downtown is two and half blocks. I m gonna have to talk to Tina about this. You, Undertaker, you re dressed all wrong. SHERIFF: Told you. LL stands and removes his hat. LL: (to MAYOR) No, cavalier? MAYOR: What s that fish eggs? ARABELLA: That s caviar. MAYOR: You should be in school. ARABELLA: I have a tutor. MAYOR: Wasn t he the king of England? Never mind. This year s Chamber of Commerce theme is Roman Holiday. How that squares with Christmas I don t know. I got to talk with Tina. Enter SEVEN, HALL dressed in overalls, wearing gloves and a hat carrying a shovel. SEVEN: Is this where we report to practice walking? MAYOR: You are not wearing a name tag. SEVEN: Seven, my name is Seven. MAYOR: Not the point.

4 4 SEVEN looks at MAYOR s NAME tag. SEVEN: OK, Mayorelus Awsomus. ARABELLA: She s not wearing Roman attire. SEVEN: (mocking) Roman attire. We re practicing walking. MELODY: We better start walking soon. SHERIFF: Yup. LL: Madame Mayor is it alright for me to march in the wrong vêtements? MAYOR: (puzzled) Your shoes are fine. LL: (puzzled) Merci. SPARKIE: Look Sheriff CC s got it. SHERIFF: Good. Enter PEACHES wearing a perfect Roman centurion costume with a name tag that reads: Hello, I m In Charge. She blows a whistle. CC drops all the accessories. SPARKIE: Never gonna happen. MAYOR: Hello, Peaches. PEACHES: Mom, says no practice today. SHERIFF: Why? PEACHES: Rain. PEACHES crosses the stage and exits HALL. ARABELLA: I like her outfit. MELODY: Does not look like rain to me. MAYOR: Tina says it s going to rain, it s going to rain. I m going back to bed. MAYOR exits HALL. SEVEN: I got diggin to do. MELODY: Seven, why are you digging that big hole? ARABELLA: Because she s crazy. MELODY: That s not polite Arabella. ARABELLA: Because she s mentally impaired. MELODY: That s much better. SEVEN: I dig because I dig. SHERIFF: Crazy. SEVEN exits HALL.

5 5 MELODY: Sheriff Rango Starr I expect more of you. SHERIFF: Sorry. MELODY: (frustrated) One of these days you re going to udder a compound or complex sentence and I only hope I m alive to hear it. Come with me Arabelle. ARABELLE: It s about me? MELODY: It s about you. ARABELLE and MELODY exit. SHERIFF: (slowly to LL) Rose? LL: (no accent) Sheriff Starr I don t know what came over me. It s the costume. You know, clothes make the man. If you will excuse me I have people to bury. We are running a good special this week with each internment you get a set of end tables. (to CC) Cordelia, I will see you at noon. You have end tables to stain and some digging. CC: Yes, Mr. de Pompes Funèbres. LL exits into his shop. SHERIFF: (to CC) Deputy. CC: Yes, Sheriff I ll be right over to the jail and put these things away. I ll feed the prisoners and the dog, sweep and clean the gun case before noon. SHERIFF: Good. (to SPARKIE) Mornin'. SPARKIE: Good morning Sheriff. SHERIFF exits FRONT. SPARKIE: I didn t know you worked for LL at the Furniture and Funerary. CC: Deputy is only a part time job. SPARKIE: Well as long as there is no conflict. CC: How could they ever conflict? SPARKIE: If you ask me you dump all that stuff into the garbage can. CC: There s no hole in it. SPARKIE points to the odd shaped garbage can. SPARKIE: Not much of a garbage can. Why do we keep it? CC: I don t know. It s always been here. SPARKIE: Let me get my gun. SPARKIE removes her riffle from behind all of the other things CC holds. It is a very tense moment. She is successful. SPARKIE exits FRONT.

6 6 CC: I m OK. CC exit s HALL. Just as she is off stage there is a crashing sound. SOUND: Western music plays and segues into electronic sounds. LIGHTS: all fade except the light on the garbage can. The garbage can turns around to reveal it is a Dalek. After a second it turns back around. LIGHTS: Fade to black. Sound fades out.