LATE NIGHT WRITERS WORKSHOP: SUBMISSION PACKET (SNL STYLE SKETCHES) Jeff Lutz
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1 LATE NIGHT WRITERS WORKSHOP: SUBMISSION PACKET (SNL STYLE SKETCHES) by Jeff Lutz
2 SNL STYLE SKETCH - ORIGINAL CHARACTER () INT. TINY STUDIO APARTMENT - NEW YORK CITY - DAY sits on the couch, typing on his computer., looking like Don Juan's retarded brother, barges in -- (almost frantic) Dude, I don't know how I'm going to pull this off... Los reaches over Jeff to grab his button down shirt and tie. Please man, I'm trying to type -- I have 3 dates this week. Princeton, Hoboken, Upper East Side... You meet them in "real estate" class? Plenty of Fish - dot com. The problem is I think she's expecting me to host. Who?... I'm getting a drink from the fridge, you want anything? Jeff reaches over to the fridge, which is in arm's length. 32-year-old, lives in Princeton with parents. Townhouse, street parking, no backyard. She looks like Marilyn Monroe. Probably more like Marilyn Manson. Seriously dude, I got class -- But, she knows my situation and it is on. I told her Newark would be great! There's a Portuguese restaurant!
3 2. Yeah, among other things... Well, if she's coming in from that far - she's probably ready to go? Los looks at Jeff, appalled. No, no she's a 3 dater. They all are. They are all 3 daters. This lawyer chick. Upper East Side. 1 bed, 1 bath. Doorman building with elevator. Small gym, laundry facility. She's like I can Tuesday or Thursday. Then, she says, 'I"m having dinner with my boss Thursday night after work' so BOOM - that's perfect!... We don't have to do dinner! Just drinks! Excited, Los bumps into the stove. Los, please... Jeff looks over to see Whoa, you just turned on the stove again. Los shuts off the stove. Oops. But, these things have to go some place for me to spend an evening and spend money. Can you hand me the remote? It's on top of the TV. Los picks up the remote, which is in arm's length. He hands it to Jeff, who could care less about his dilemma. Hoboken... She's got no kids, no divorce, 3 bedroom house. (perks up) 3 bedroom house?
4 3. Yeah, but she's high-maintenance. So, she's out of the question right now. How many bath? 2 and a half. Hardwood floors, patio out back, French doors, spiral staircase, high ceilings... Los finishes tying his tie. She sounds great! Los reaches over Jeff to grab his sport jacket. He swings it, hitting Jeff in the face.... Dishwashing machine, 2 car garage, porcelain toilet, jacuzzi, walk-in closet... Walk-in closet? It's, uh, whew... Can you open the window? Los pops open the window, which is in arm's length. I may have to put in a lot of time, though... Uh. Is it worth it? You get all dressed up and you pretend like you had an interview or had to come from something... I tell them I just moved back to the city. I'm just starting in real estate, getting going... Ooh, but I may have to cancel Hoboken... I think I'm going to catch a cold. Or the kids! I can use the kids excuse. They love that! They love it! Los stands, ready to go - with shirt, tie, and sport coat on. What's her address? Maybe I'll call her.
5 4. SNL STYLE SKETCH 2 - POP CULTURE-BASED (Selfies) INT. CLASSROOM - NIGHT A young, flamboyant struts into the room I'm going to get right to it - so listen up, ladies... 3 TEEN GIRLS, all wearing form-fitting lululemon pants and midriff shirts, stand at attention. The Girls SNICKER things to keep in mind when taking a selfie: One. Choose a well-lit area. Two. Try not to look too unnatural - hand on hips, legs jutting out Angelina Jolie style - ech! Three. Pose with a pretty background. Or the nearest discolored bathroom mirror -- MILEY CYRUS walks in the room... She leaves. MILEY CYRUS Is this, like, the class for that thing I do with my butt? You mean twerking? That's room 208. Up the stairs. MILEY CYRUS Like, cool.... Angle your face just slightly to show off your "good side." Like this... He starts to demonstrate as CHRIS CHRISTIE walks in the room... He leaves. Weight Watchers - room 105, across the hall.
6 5.... Make your bff jealous by taking a full length photo to show off your fab figure... The Girls look at one another and SNICKER. BARACK OBAMA walks in the room... OBAMA (sheepishly) Um, is this the, uh... Obamacare seminar - across the hall, turn right. Right. OBAMA He quickly leaves, ducking out of the room.... Ok ladies, take out your phones and take your phone covers off!... MUSLIM WOMAN, wearing full black Burka, only her eyes visible, walks in... TEACER... Can't you people read the signs??? I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF CLASS!... Muslim Woman just stares at him, saying nothing.... Fine. What-evvver. Koran study across the hall, bomb building up the stairs to the left... Muslim Woman pulls an Iphone from her Burka. Well, um, all right then... Teacher hits play on his boom box. Some up-beat garbage. CUT TO:
7 6. 5 MINUTES LATER Teacher flamboyantly dances in the front of the room, directing his "students."... Duck face, yes. Yes!... Now, pretend you're caught off guard... Ooh, scary... The Girls dance around, rapidly clicking selfie after selfie. Muslim Woman does not move as she snaps a picture of herself with her Iphone. 5 MINUTES LATER Teacher dances, directing his "students."... Pretend you're at a funeral... Lighting is everything, ladies!... The Girls rapidly click selfie after selfie. CUT TO: Muslim Woman does not move as she snaps a picture of herself with her Iphone. 5 MINUTES LATER Teacher dances, directing his "students."... Now, put the camera above your head to highlight your cleavage... CUT TO: The Girls hold their phones above them, rapidly clicking selfie after selfie down their shirt. Muslim Woman does not move as she snaps a picture of herself from above with her Iphone.... Don't forget to filter... Hashtag! Hashtag that bitch!... CUT TO:
8 7. ON MUSLIM WOMAN INSTAGRAM PHOTO 1: Muslim Woman "poses" in class. The angle of the photo is straight on. Underneath: #Mascara #SmokyEye #LongLashes ON MUSLIM WOMAN INSTAGRAM PHOTO 2: Muslim Woman "poses" in class. The angle of the photo is phone above, looking down. Underneath: #RedLips #WaitingForMyBF #GettingDolledUp ON MUSLIM WOMAN INSTAGRAM PHOTO 3: Muslim Woman "poses" in front of her discolored bathroom mirror. Underneath: #NoUnderwear #BitchesLoveMe
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