SCENES AUNTS AND JAMES (3)
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- Amber Richards
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1 SCENES AUNTS AND JAMES (3) JAMES Good day, Aunty Sponge. SPONGE What s good about it, you disgusting little beast? Your parents selfishly get eaten, leaving us to bring up their brat and you call it a good day? It s a bad day, a revolting day. Spiker! Look what the cat s sicked up! (Spiker enters.) SPIKER What cat? We haven t got a cat! (She sees James.) Oh, it s you, you little toad. JAMES Hallo, Aunty Spiker. SPIKER Shut your face! Speak when you re spoken to. (She sees James s teddy bear.) And what s this? JAMES My teddy. SPIKER (snatching it.) Well, you won t need that! No teddies, no toys, no treats from now on. Get inside and get to work! SPONGE Yes! Peel the floor and polish the spuds! SPIKER Make the dishes and wash the beds! SPIKER AND SPONGE Now! (They push James indoors and smugly shake hands. They sit in lawn chairs.) JAMES (time has passed, James comes back outside.) Aunts, can I climb the old peach tree? AUNTS No! JAMES Aunts, can I go on a picnic? AUNTS Certainly, not! JAMES Aunts, can I have a book to look at? SPONGE Of course, you can t! SPIKER Books only give you ideas! (James turns away and stares off at the woods and cliffside. ) SPONGE James, what are you doing? JAMES Nothing, Aunty. SPIKER Nothing? How dare you do nothing! SPONGE Lazy little lump of SPIKER Laziness! SPONGE Do something! SPIKER Chop some wood for the kitchen stove. JAMES But it s hot! SPONGE Hot? What rot? I m deliciously cool! SPIKER And I m cooly delicious! JAMES (under his breath) Cos I get all the work. AUNTS I beg your pardon? JAMES (thinking quickly) Er I said, I ll get on with my work. (he quickly exits) SPONGE Go on, then. Chop, chop! SPIKER Ha, ha! Very good, Sponge dear. Chop, chop! Go on, James, chop!
2 SPONGE Or we ll lock you up in the cellar for a fortnight! SPIKER With all the other rats. SPONGE Ha, ha! Very good, Spiker dear. Scabby little rat! Ugly little brute. How fortunate he is to have such an attractive aunt. SPIKER Yes. Thank you, Sponge dear. SPONGE Not you, Spiker dear. Moi! SPIKER Toi? SPONGE Moi! SPIKER Ha!
3 OLD MAN AND JAMES (2) OLD MAN Little boy. Come over here. I will show you something wonderful. (James looks frightened) Don t be afraid, my dear. Come. (James hesitates. Old Man goes over to him and pulls out a paper bag.) See this, my dear? Do you know what s inside this little bag? (Holds it toward James). Tiny green things. See them sparkle! Listen to them moving, stirring. Thousands of them. There s more magic, more power in them than in all the rest of the world put together. JAMES But what are they? OLD MAN Guess! (James shakes his head, not knowing.) OLD MAN Crocodile tongues! One thousand long, slimy crocodile tongues boiled up in the skull of a dead witch for twenty days and nights with the eyeballs of a lizard! Add the fingers of a monkey, the gizzard of a pig, the beak of a young parrot, the juice of a porcupine, and three spoonfuls of sugar. Stew for another week, and then let the moon do the rest! JAMES Wow! OLD MAN They re for you! (hands the bag to James) JAMES (almost drops it.) Ah! OLD MAN Listen! (He starts to speak in rhyme with a rhythm. Either by singing or just talking to a beat, please have fun and try it out any way you like.) Marvellous things, Marvellous things. Put them in water Just before bed, Add ten hairs From the top of your head. That gets them going They ll bubble and froth, Then drink down the lot Trying hard not to cough. Marvellous things, Marvellous things. While you are sleeping They ll do their thing. When you wake You ll feel grand as a king. Marvellous things will Dissolve all the pain, And never will you Be unhappy again.
4 Marvellous things, magical things, What marvellous things they can do! These marvellous, magical things Can make marvellous things happen to you! JAMES Thank you! OLD MAN Off you go, my dear. And not a word, not a whisper of this to those horrible aunts of your. Now s the time. Hurry! (James starts to go) And James! (James turns) Look after those marvellous things. If they escape, they ll be working their magic on somebody else! Whoever they meet first, Be it bug, insect, animal, or tree, The magic power will work on them Whoever they may be! Now, go! Good fortune be yours!
5 INSECTS AND JAMES (4) CENTIPEDE So cheer up, sunshine, smile! (James smiles) EARTHWORM What s he got to smile about? I ve got nothing to smile about. MISS SPIDER Take no notice of Earthworm. He s always miserable. CENTIPEDE Come and sit with me! (James does) JAMES You have a lot of boots. CENTIPEDE Ah! There s a reason for that. Ask me! Go on! JAMES Why do you have a lot of boots? CENTIPEDE I m glad you asked me that. I have a lot of boots because I have a lot of legs! And a lot of feet. One hundred to be exact. (Proudly) I am a centipede. EARTHWORM Oh, there he goes again. Lies, lies! He s got nowhere near a hundred legs. Forty-two, that s all he s got. (To James) You count them. A hundred! And, anyway, there s nothing marvellous, you know, about having a lot of legs. CENTIPEDE Poor old soul. He s blind, James. Can t see how splendid I look! EARTHWORM In my opinion, the really marvellous thing is to have no legs at all and to be able to walk just the same. CENTIPEDE You call that that walking? You re a slitherer, that s all you are. You just slither along. EARTHWORM (primly) I glide! CENTIPEDE Ha! You re a slimy beast! EARTHWORM How dare you! MISS SPIDER Boys, boys! James doesn t want to hear you arguing. EARTHWORM I am a useful and much loved creature. Ask any gardener. (To Centipede) As for you CENTIPEDE (grinning happily) I am a pest!
6 INSECTS AND JAMES (5) JAMES Well done, Miss Spider! Well done, everybody! Now it s the seagulls turn. OLD GREEN-GRASSHOPPER James, we re all full of admiration, but I do detect a possible teeny- weeny flaw in your brilliant plan. JAMES A flaw? OLD GREEN-GRASSHOPPER A flaw. A problem. How do you propose to loop the thread to the seagulls? CENTIPEDE He s right! You can t expect them to just swoop down and politely stick their heads in! JAMES We use bait. LADYBIRD Bait! What sort of bait? JAMES A worm of course. Seagulls love worms. EARTHWORM I m not hearing this. JAMES And, luckily for us, we have here the biggest, fattest, pinkest, juiciest Earthworm in the world. EARTHWORM You can stop right there! CENTIPEDE Go on, James. I like it, I like it! EARTHWORM Well, I don t like it! I refuse! CENTIPEDE Be quiet! Mind your own business! EARTHWORM It s more my business than yours! I ll be pecked to death! JAMES You won t, Earthworm, I promise. All you do is poke your top half out of the tunnel EARTHWORM Where will you be? JAMES We ll all be hidden inside the tunnel. EARTHWORM I knew it, I knew it! JAMES We have to be hidden or the seagulls won t dare fly down. So, you re poking out CENTIPEDE All succulent and tempting! EARTHWORM Stop it! JAMES Down comes a seagull OLD GREEN-GRASSHOPPER I think we should hurry! The sharks are back! JAMES Right! Quick, everyone! EARTHWORM Noooooo! Nooooooo!
7 CAPTAIN AND OFFICERS (3) CAPTAIN Number One! NUMBER ONE Here, sir! CAPTAIN Call Number Two, Number One. NUMBER ONE (calling) Number Two! NUMBER TWO (enters) Here, Number One! CAPTAIN Look, Number One! Look, Number Two! (They both look up) CAPTAIN What is it, Number One? NUMBER ONE I m not sure, sir. CAPTAIN Do you know, Number Two? NUMBER ONE Yes, sir, I know him very well. CAPTAIN No, no. Not do you know Number Two, do you know, Number Two? NUMBER TWO Do I know what, sir? CAPTAIN What it is! NUMBER TWO Not a clue, sir. CAPTAIN I don t like it. Do you like it, Number One? NUMBER ONE No, sir. CAPTAIN Do you agree with Number One, Number Two? NUMBER TWO I do, sir. NUMBER ONE It could be dangerous. CAPTAIN That s it! It s a secret weapon! Send a message to the Queen at once! (pause) Where s my telescope? NUMBER ONE Will she know, sir? CAPTAIN Will she know what? NUMBER ONE The whereabouts of your telescope. I very much doubt it. I have it here! (hands over the telescope) CAPTAIN No, no, no! The country must be warned! (he raises the telescope to his eye) Holy cats! There s birds everywhere! The whole sky is teeming with birds! And wait a second there are people on it! I can see them moving. Yes, I can distinctly see a little boy in short trousers up there! And there s a a a a sort of giant ladybird! NUMBER ONE Now, just a minute, Captain. NUMBER TWO Are you feeling quite yourself, sir? CAPTAIN And a colossal green grasshopper! NUMBER ONE Captain! Captain, please! CAPTAIN And a mammoth spider! NUMBER TWO Don t you think you d best have a lie down, Captain? CAPTAIN And an enormous, a simply enormous centipede! (is now a nervous wreck) What do you think, Number One? NUMBER ONE I think sir s been at the whiskey again. CAPTAIN What do you think, Number Two?
8 NUMBER TWO I think sir should see the ship s doctor. Quick! (Captain screams as they carry him off) JAMES AND EARTHWORM (2) JAMES You know, Earthworm, you re quite a hero. EARTHWORM Oh? Well, yes, I suppose I am! JAMES You saved the peach. You saved us. EARTHWORM Well, yes, I suppose I did! JAMES We re all very proud of you. EARTHWORM Well, yes, I suppose you are! (With effort) Thank you, James. It was your idea! I wasn t keen at first, it s true JAMES But you bravely stuck your neck out EARTHWORM A little more than my neck, actually! JAMES And you didn t get eaten! EARTHWORM Thanks to you. And er.. Talking of eating, do you realize we haven t had a thing to eat since yesterday? Aren t you hungry? JAMES Starving. We should have brought a picnic. EARTHWORM I can feel myself shriveling, I m so empty. JAMES Wait a minute! I must be blind! EARTHWORM No, James, I m the one who s blind. JAMES Yes, but can t you see EARTHWORM How can I see if I m blind? JAMES Can t you realize we do have food. Enough to last us for weeks and weeks! EARTHWORM Where? JAMES Here! Everywhere. The peach! EARTHWORM We can t eat the peach! It s our home! JAMES Not all of it. A few bites and scoops won t matter.
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