Hell s Library. Contemporary Drama Service. And fifteen more TV parodies created by students for students

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2 Hell s Library And fifteen more TV parodies created by students for students By Liam Brennan, Joshua Rosen, Leah Solomon, Rachel Solomon, Peter Walderhaug, Sara Mozersky, John Kilmer, Jennie Bagdasian Edited by Harry Michael Bagdasian 1. Hell s Library 2. Dude, Dude? Dude! 3. Smells Like Cafeteria Food to Me 4. Bilge Cola 5. Farm Fresh Air and Fabric Freshener 6. OMG! 7. The Smart Car Rastaferrari 8. The Smart Car Grumpy Gramps 9. Baitline News: The Name Game 10. A.D.D. TV 11. FNN Reports: Bread The Gateway Food 12. Lady Jill s Psychic Hotline 13. Baitline News Report on Student Life Part 1: Text Speaking 14. Baitline News Report on Student Life Part 2: Science Report 15. Baitline News Report on Student Life Part 3: The School Safety Hotline 16. Gangsta Suspenders Meriwether Publishing Ltd. Contemporary Drama Service PO Box 7710 Colorado Springs, CO

3 Hell s Library And fifteen more TV parodies created by students for students By Liam Brennan, Joshua Rosen, Leah Solomon, Rachel Solomon, Peter Walderhaug, Sara Mozersky, John Kilmer, Jennie Bagdasian Edited by Harry Michael Bagdasian

4 TABLE OF CONTENTS 1. Hell s Library 1 2. Dude, Dude? Dude! 6 3. Smells Like Cafeteria Food to Me 7 4. Bilge Cola Farm Fresh Air and Fabric Freshener OMG! The Smart Car The Rastaferrari The Smart Car The Grumpy Gramps Baitline News: The Name Game A.D.D. TV FNN Reports: Bread The Gateway Food Lady Jill s Psychic Hotline Baitline News Report on Student Life Part 1: Text Speaking Baitline News Report on Student Life Part 2: Science Report Baitline News Report on Student Life Part 3: The School Safety Hotline Gangsta Suspenders 31

5 This, our second anthology of student-written comedy sketches, is dedicated to all the volunteers whose work enabled the Comedy Academy, Inc. to offer creative opportunities to hundreds of students who otherwise may never have discovered their talent for writing and performing comedy. Dr. Beck Krefting, this includes you. When the funding evaporated, you continued your invaluable support and efforts to inspire, guide, and coach these adventurous students. ii

6 PRODUCTION NOTES AND SUGGESTIONS Over the years, the Comedy Club productions have sometimes been very simple and at other times they have utilized lots of sets, lights, and special effects. Most of these sketches can be performed on a nearly empty stage with a few chairs, some stools, and something approximating a news desk. We ve worked on stages, in school cafeterias, and in a school media center. If we didn t have a stage, we would define our playing area as best we could and then simply perform the material. A simple production puts the focus entirely on the performers and the material. Trust me, we ve gotten plenty of laughs whether we re on a stage with sets and lights or in the corner of the school s media center with the tables and chairs arranged in cabaret style. For some of our shows we have had musicians provide accentuating music. When we didn t have musicians to play, we used recorded tunes. Closing each sketch with a music sting is nice because it puts a button on the scene it s the cherry on top of the sundae. You can also stretch the music if there s a set change or someone is late for the next sketch because they re fumbling around backstage trying to find a prop or they had a quick costume change that wasn t going particularly well. In a large cast show, sometimes students forget their sketch is next and music gives their cast mates an opportunity to find the missing actors. We ve had all of that happen. Costumes? We have been fortunate over the years to have students parents help us greatly. We did ninety-minute to two-hour comedy shows each time out. That could require a variety of costumes. Sometimes we just had the cast dress in black and white and then each would simply add a scarf, a hat, or something simple to indicate character. Our last cabaret required only one costume rack and two large boxes for hand props. We have also done shows that required three times as many racks of costumes and boxes of props. So it depends on you. How simple or complex you do it depends on your time and your budget and, of course, your volunteer support. Microphones? Simply put, comedy doesn t work if the audience can t hear it. For overall support, we used three Crown PCC-160 floor microphones strategically placed along the front of the stage. As often as possible we used handheld microphones for the talk shows or game shows. Wireless body microphones (lavalier or headset) are certainly helpful if you have them to support players in leading roles who might not be really good at projecting their voices during the sketches. For our last big production, we had six wireless microphones. Of course, this required creating and iii

7 rehearsing a microphone plot and having microphone runners who made sure the correct microphone was handed off to the next user properly. It adds to the work load, but trust me, in the long run it pays off in laughs. Sets? Here again, this depends on your time, your budget, and your volunteer support. As I said above, you can perform this material with a handful of props, some folding chairs, and a news desk of some kind. In our first year, our news desk was a four-foot by eight-foot piece of 1/4 inch foamcore that was scored so it could have a four-foot front and two two-foot wide sides. The school logo and the word News was painted on it and that was all. It worked fine. It was light weight and it easily folded for storage. The main thing is have fun. Plan a production within your means and you ll have a good time. The years when we had major set pieces we also had dozens of students and parents to help construct, paint, and maneuver the sets. Be realistic and you ll have a good time. It is, after all, comedy. Please feel free to contact me should you have any questions. I can be reached at hbagdasian@aol.com. And you can learn more about our productions by flipping through all of the production pictures on our web site whenever you wish. iv

8 Hell s Library Script by Leah Solomon and Rachel Solomon Cast Narrator Ramsey librarian Pierre librarian assistant Billy Bob contestant Pam contestant Sue contestant Joe contestant Many Voices Off-Stage voices provide musical accent Set At least one bookshelf is required, not an entire setting. There is at least a small table and a chair so Ramsey may sit and dine. The table is also used for the elimination ceremony. (Lights up On-Stage. We see the NARRATOR with four CONTESTANTS in a library.) NARRATOR: These four contestants are competing for the opportunity of a lifetime. To train with the outspoken, world renowned Librarian Ramsey. They think they know what they re getting into, but they have no idea. This is MANY VOICES: (From Off-Stage, they provide a musical accent.) Bum bum bum! NARRATOR: Hell s Library! BILLY BOB: I have this competition in the bag. No one can stop me! Librarian Ramsey, bring it on! PAM: (Crying) I was placed on this earth to be a librarian. This is my passion. It s all I can do. I want this so bad, I need this. JOE: This is every man for himself. It s a game, and I m here to win! SUE: This man will not break me! NARRATOR: It will take sweat and tears to get these contestants through the torture that awaits them. This is 1

9 MANY VOICES: Bum bum bum! NARRATOR: Hell s Library! RAMSEY: (Speaks with British accent. Entering from Stage Right) Alright, ladies and gentlemen, or should I say, ugly and horrid to look at? Welcome to my world. Let s get this off to a running start. You are all stupid, ugly, idiotic, pathetic creatures of the deep, useless pieces of garbage, wastes of oxygen, stupid fat donkeys, pieces of JOE: Whoa, hold on! How are you insulting us when you know nothing about us? RAMSEY: I know enough! PAM: (Crying) I didn t know we were just coming here to be insulted! I just want to be a librarian. RAMSEY: Shut it you useless flipping cow! Get over yourself. It s time for your first challenge. OK, you pathetic group of swine, you will be placed into teams. (He points to SUE and JOE.) You and you are the blue team. (He points to PAM and BILLY BOB.) You and you are the red team. Pierre! (PIERRE lugs a basket of books On-Stage and plops it down beside RAMSEY s table. There are at least eight books of varying sizes in the basket including the Bible and Everyone Poops.) RAMSEY: You must now shelve this stack of books blindfolded! And BILLY BOB: Ummmm, but how will we be able to see the author s name if we are blindfolded? RAMSEY: A true librarian will be able to see through it. You must use the force, Luke. BILLY BOB: Actually, my name is Billy Bob. RAMSEY: (Screaming) Do you think I care what your useless name is!? You respond to whatever I call you. If I call you monkey, you respond to monkey! Do I make myself clear, caveman!? BILLY BOB: Ummmm, yes sir. RAMSEY: Wrong! You will address me as your highness! Correct, mongrels? CONTESTANTS: Yes, your highness! 2

10 RAMSEY: OK, let s begin. The titles range from the Bible to Everyone Poops. JOE: Um, Librarian, um, I mean your highness, why is Everyone Poops in a high school library? RAMSEY: Do not question my authority! Plus, Everyone Poops is my daughter s favorite book. I want her to have something to read when she comes to see Daddy. PAM: Wait, you have a daughter? SUE: Whoa, whoa. The real question is, someone actually married you? She must cry herself to sleep every night! (JOE stomps on her foot and shushes her.) RAMSEY: OK everyone, blindfolds on everyone go on five! One two five! (Crazy music starts as everyone is running around and crashing into one another trying to shelve the books. PIERRE enters with a tray of food.) PIERRE: (In a French accent) Sir, here is your eggs Benedict with just (In a weird voice) a leetle sprinkle of maple syrup. RAMSEY: Thank you, my man-servant. You may now shine my shoes. (RAMSEY eats a little as PIERRE shines his shoes. Fifteen seconds or so pass then RAMSEY blows a whistle.) Stop! Let me see how you idiots did. (Produces opera glasses and stares towards shelf.) Well, Billy Bob, you successfully gave Pam a bloody nose, but I give no points for violence because the network says I can t. (Under his breath) Darn you, Fox! (Allowed to group again) And Joe and Sue, you actually got a book on the shelf even though I am pretty sure The Odyssey doesn t belong next to Seventeen magazine or Maxim. BILLY BOB: Wow, they actually have Maxim here at school? Cha-Ching! RAMSEY: So blue team you are our winners for shelving one book and not getting excited at hot girls. (SUE and JOE cheer.) And your prize is a thirty minute nap! SUE: Oh, thank the heavens! I can sleep at last! (SUE and JOE exit stage right.) RAMSEY: And for you pathetic, lame, and honestly a wee bit smelly red team, you must clean this whole library. PAM: Well that doesn t seem that bad 3

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