Snotty King s Monday Morning Quarterback

Transcription

1

2 Snotty King s Monday Morning Quarterback This could very well be the year of the Lizardmen! When the new Blood Bowl league rules dropped last year and the MVP rules had changed, there were those that echoed a primal fear of a team loaded down with Strength 4 players that could focus their experience and get those crucial pieces leveled past rookie faster. Last year, Jormungandr went to the playoffs before being defeated, and the Kohs struggled a bit. This year they are both in a dominant position and sitting atop their respective divisions, though with Jormungandr there is at least some competition early on from a surprising rookie team in the Steamers led by drugged out thrower Johnny Bloodbowl. The Kohs put their division on notice by defeating their rivals the Nuln Lions 2-1, while Jormungandr stomped on the helpless Lolphins in a lopsided 3-1 victory. I m going to go ahead and call it. Both of these teams will be seeing some post-season play, and what a game that would be to see them play each other! We will have to wait and see how the rankings hold up for seeding; the playoffs are still a long way out. And what about the Steamers? They seemed to have picked up a superstar quarterback with Johnny Bloodbowl, whom other teams wouldn t touch due to his hard partying and wild ways. Coach Couch and the Pooh Emoji both seem to have turned their head to any of the illicit drug use and other activities that their quarterback is partaking after the games, citing that their primary concern is what happens on the field during the game. Back-to-back victories have the fans in Steamer-land thinking that they may be able to see a post-season as well, but again it s very young in the season and the Steamers still must take on juggernaut Jormungandr twice. Let s see how they fare against Dirty Skink! West Coast Best Coast? The LBBC West is also deadlocked up with Louisville City coming off a victory against the Ninnies, and Ragnarok putting down the goblins of Lord s Kitchen. Competitive divisions are always the most fun to watch, and Ragnarok is sporting a former LWGBBL PC champion coach, while Louisville City is defending their division title. When worlds collide!

3 Bashers Still Dominant The Blaine s Bashers are still in dominant form, defeating Team Instinct handily 2-0. The Headbashas and the Dolts unfortunately were unable to get their game in this cycle and so we will have to wait to see the current state of Central. Badlands Question Magetown put the points up over their rivals the Blood God Renegades, but the defending champs and Elfheim also missed the train on getting their game in, and like Central we won t know what the state of their division is in until later on next issue. Cycle 3 Predictions and Stories Lolphins - Eyes will be on the Steamers this week going on the road to Middenheim to take on the hapless Lolphins. While the Lolphins are surrounded in their own stink, don t count them out against a rookie human team. They have the skills on paper, they just need to find a way to roll less sets of snake-eyes than their opponent. 1-1 draw. Legion of Doom - Dirty Skink and Jormungandr will head to the 12 th Man Stadium and face the Legion of Doom. The Doom was put down by the rookie Steamers last week and have now signed Dickie Sherman back to another contract. The famed Best Blitza in the League will also be joined by their quarterback returning from injury. Will this be enough to overcome the best line in the league? Unlikely. 3-1 Jormungandr can of whoop-ass. Grudge Bearers the dwarves may be able to grind the lizardmen into submission, but they will be relying heavily on inducement power. The Kohs have a chance to keep a solid seat on their division, as the Lions and Da Vulchas duke it out underneath them. Lizards 1-0. Da Nuln Lions Da Vulchas need the win to stay competitive, and the Lions need the win to stay up with the Kohs, particularly if the Kohs are victorious! The key will be if Barry Randers can out flash Mightygutta and the Vulcha linebacking corp 2-2 draw! Dire Red World Order in a division of rookie teams, these are going to be hard to call. Two rookie human teams will come down to who makes the least mistakes. The Dire Bears have the edge in experience so we give them the 1-0 victory here. Sons of Myrmidons The dwarves ground down the human team into paste in the preseason. We don t see a different result here, unless the humans are able to stay out of contact with the dwarves and find a passing attack that can take advantage of the slow dwarves. 2-0 in favor of the dwarves. Lords Louisville City The League MVP and the powerful Louisville City team will win this game, but they may walk away with a few less players if they are not careful. Don t ever take a goblin team lightly. Louisville City 3-0. Ragnarok Depending on what team shows up, the Ninnies will either go on a casualty spree on their hapless cousins or get overturned quickly. They have the experience on the field, but Ragnarok has a more tenacious edge. 2-1 Ragnarok.

4 The Team Instinct The ogres are struggling, and with a team full of Bonehead, that is to be expected. The orcs are a solid bunch, led by troll Taser Face and their quarterback Krillin. Look at the orcs winning 2-0. Blaines the Dolts Blood Illustrated s match of the week, will be played under the lights and on Cabal Vision! The Bashers will likely take the scoreboard but much like Louisville City could be walking away with a few less players if they are not careful! Bashers win 3-1. Blood God Elfheim The chaos team struggled against the Yellowjackets last week, and this week will likely struggle for the same reasons. Elves can light up the scoreboard. If they don t manage to knock some elves out of the game, they will be in for more. Elfheim takes it 4-2. Magetown Yellowjackets Its hard to write about this game because we haven t seen how Norsica fares against elf teams yet as they did not play their game against Elfheim yet. That game will set the tone for this one.

5 Lolphins Fumble in Dirty Skink Nation 3-1 We knew that this was going to be a special year for the Lolphins. Specially bad. No one expected much from the Middenheim Lolphins going up against divisional juggernaut Jormangandr this week, and they delivered on that front. Now that may seem a bit hostile and negative for those that saw the game, because the Lolphins had some flashes of greatness here and there, but the mediocrity was what rang the truest and was what stuck with the Phins throughout the game. Entering the stadium amidst a shower of urine soaked water bottles, the denizens of Seven Nation Dirty Stadium were quick to welcome the visiting team with abject hostility. Matt Damon! Matt Damon called out, holding out an umbrella as rotten vegetables and piss bottles rained down on the team on their way to the locker room. The Lolphins entered the game with a gameplan of attacking the skinks and ignoring the saurus front seven. Easier said than done one might say, but the Lolphins actually did pretty well in managing casualties. Only Larry Little was taken out of the game with a concussion and he will be missing next week s game against the Steamers as doctors hold him for observation. Pressuring the skinks in the backfield worked well last season, and honestly in this game it forced Jormungandr to take some risks. The problem was that Jormungandr had no problem fetching the desired values from the RNG when they needed them, and the Lolphins took the other side of the coin and produced all of the 1s. How many 1s you ask? Matt Damon hired a statistician in this game to record the Lolphin values. Overall the Lolphins rolled a d6 94 times, and the result of a 1 came up 23 of them and the 2s came up 21 times. That s 44 out of 94 RNGs coming up 1 or a 2 and you just can t compete when those results are continuously coming up that way. I don t know what the deal is. Lack of leadership? Lack of discipline? Lack of proper toilets in the locker room? Man I just don t know, we need to take this one week at a time and put it all out on the line. Blitzer Ripper Wake said after the game. Ripper won an MVP for a tough battle, but it takes more than one or two players on a Bloodbowl team to make wins happen. It takes an entire team coming together.

6 Matt Damon. Matt Damon agreed, pushing a burning dumpster fire onto the wagons as they prepared to roll toward Middenheim amidst a hail of broken bottles and rotten vegetables. The first half was undoubtedly an unmitigated disaster. Dirty Skink won the toss and elected to receive. Middenheim kept to their strategy of minimum on the line with a staggered formation and kept mamma open so that she didn t have open blocks. A pair of blitzers along with asshole Kenny Stills lined up on the ends and blitzed toward the skinks. Jormungandr ignored them and focused on what was up center, bashing the few Lolphins they could get a hold of. The Lolphins succeeded on putting pressure on the skinks, and several times in the game had openings where they could have gotten the ball and scored. This was the Lolphins defense of last season at times. Skink daddy You Can Do Eeet spun to the sideline and headed for midfield. Ripper Wake had a wide-open shot at cracking him, all he needed to do was an open dodge to get the blitz off. Ripper has an AG of 4 so only needed a 2+ and the first set of snake eyes was dropped (wherein he rolled a 1 to dodge and re rolled and got another 1). That was probably my favorite part. That AG4 chump acting like an AG1 chump falling on his face heh heh. Dirty Skink told reporters after the game. With the Lolphins turn ending so quickly, You Can Do Eeeet scampered up the sideline deep into Lolphins territory, and it was only Turn 3. Another Lolphins blitzer became a hero. Jason Taylor, who had a great season last year, smashed into You Can Do Eeeet and jarred the ball loose with his strip-ball skill. The ball landed on the ground, and the Lolphins had a clear shot of picking it up, but a failed Go For It Roll followed by a reroll of another failed Go For It Roll (snake eyes #2 of the day, and we re on Turn 4 folks) ended that. You Can Do Eeeet chuckled and picked the ball up and rolled in for the score putting the lizards up 1-0. The crowd went nuts and Ravishing Skink Rude did one of his patented strip-teases on the center logo of the field. Jormunandr loves its onside kicks, and kicked the ball at the center line, one square away from being a touchback. The Lolphins moved forward to pick up the ball and equalize, but a failed blitz ended that turn with a skull.

7 The scrum in the middle of the field would continue with the Lolphins Turn 6 seeing them still in possession of the ball. Ripper Wake had the ball and Lolphins receivers were wide open as Jormungandr often just let them be and instead focused on the ball carrier. An open Kenny Stills would equalize the game, Ripper just had to dodge into an empty square to make the pass! With his Agility of 4 and needing a 2+, he once again rolled a 1 followed by a 1 on the reroll. Ripper went down, Dirty Skink was there to pick the ball up and two turns later Jormungandr was up 2-0. With time ebbing, the Lolphins were already into desperation territory. Another onside kick ensued putting the ball two squares from the lizardmen front line, this time with Greasy Bob picking up the ball and dodging away successfully. Jormungandr again ignored three Lolphins receivers in the open field, but Jormungandr s swarm made it so Bob would need a long pass and additionally it would be penalized with having opposing players around him. Needing a 6, Bob pulled through, and Asshole Kenny Stills cranked up the anxiety meter by rolling a 1 to catch it. His catch re-roll reversed that and he was able to score as the halftime whistle blew. The Lolphins were down 2-1 and they would be receiving the ball. Up their sleeve, Matt Damon had the special play card that enabled them to equalize the game no matter how much they were down. This, he felt, would come into play soon. Matt Damon. He agreed. The second half opened with the teams running out of their respective locker rooms and the Dirty Nation fans pelting the field with bottles of urine. One of the bottles smashed blitzer Zonka in the face, knocking him unconscious. This set the tune for the rest of the half. Jormungandr once again kicked an onside kick right next to the line, and the Lolphins failed in their attempt to pick the ball up. Dirty Skink sat behind possibly the best line in the entire league as they smashed the Lolphins aside while he picked the ball easily up and ran in for the third score of the game. This is too easy baby. Too easy. He said as he tossed the ball back to the ref while running next to Matt Damon and the burning dumpster, snickering all the while. The Lolphins fielded the next kick off with time beginning to expire, and once again penetrated deep behind the line of the lizardmen, who were content with ignoring their backfield while pummeling what was up front. The Lolphins had another three opportunities to score, failing a dodge roll, fumbling a pass, and then with Dirty Skink also fumbling a pass deep in his territory rookie thrower Tabenhell had the opportunity to be the GOAT by picking up the ball and throwing a short easy pass to AG 4 Ripper Wake which would tie the game up. Tabenhell would of course roll a 1 on the dodge and fall to the ground, thus ending the game.

8 What the Lolphins Did Well Middenheim was able to put a lot of pressure behind Jormungandr, who ignored their backfield the entire time and focused on beating down what was in front of them. This created numerous scoring opportunities. It was just that the Lolphins were unable to generate the luck necessary to see any plan of action required of them. What the Lolphins Failed At Capitalizing on poor Jormungandr positioning and failing to make big plays when they were needed. The Lolphins now fall to 0-2 and will host the red-hot Steamers who are now led by coked-out quarterback Johnny Blood Bowl and enjoying a two-game winning streak. As coach Towlie says always bring a towel!

9 Abend's Late Game Heroics Push Louisville City Past The Ninnies Coming off of a big opening week win against rival Middenheim, Louisville City traveled north to face the Norse Ninnies to open divisional play. The Ninnies came into the season as a late addition, replacing the defunct orc side, Gouged Eye. Despite playing on the road, the norse stadium looked like a sea of purple as the human supporters outnumbered the norse supporters significantly in the crowd of twenty four thousand. Louisville City won the coin toss and elected to receive. While outmatched, the Ninnies field a formidable roster featuring two deadly ulfenwerners, an MVP candidate in catcher Journey Waver and an exceptional passer in Amma Gangler. For this match they also employed a mercenary Yhetti to face off against City's ogre Greg Ranjitsingh. Even on the road, the Coopers came out strong First Half Knockouts and Missed Opportunity Drums sounded throughout the stands and the chants of the Coopers drowned out the home fans as the norse kicked off. The chants errupted into a loud cheer as the ball bounced

10 back towards the norse side and resulted in a touchback. It came as no surprise as the purple team placed the ball in the hands of last year's MVP Guy Abend. Abend ran the ball to the center of the pitch as an all out brawl took place between the two teams. George Davis IV started the violence with a crushing blow to linewoman Cate Machett, sending her to the sideline for medical attention. In the ensuing fight, five Ninnies were sent into concussion protocol (Wolf Blizzer, both berserkers, thrower Jewels Rocket and linewoman Natalia Portmouth) as well as three players from Louisville City (Niall McCabe, Richard Ballard and Cameron Lancaster). Abend cut to the left, attempting to navigate around the carnage with the help of his blitzers. Needing to make a play, aided by Ulf Walt Pizza, catcher Cathron Biaz somehow dodged her way past a City screen and popped the ball lose. Blitzer Kyle Smith recovered momentarily only for Biaz so force a second fumble. With each hit the ball inched closer to the sideline, until Tarek Morad dove for the ball and it bounced out of bounds. Cathron Biaz is a bad woman One of the many visiting fans launched the ball within three steps of the Ninnie endzone. With the ball deep in norse own territory and with the Ninnies now at an eight to five player disadvantage, it seemed like the tide had turned back towards Louisville City. When the Ninnies take the field, you can never count out the high flying combo of Gangler and Waver. Gangler recoverd the loose ball before and threw a spectacular long bomb right into the hands of Waver, moving the norse catcher halfway into City territiory and within scoring range.

11 With a man advantage, Louisville City was able to surround the catcher and Abend forced a late fumble to prevent the touchdown. Smith recovered but without much time left on the clock, the teams were forced to go into halftime 0-0. Any time you start with the ball, you want to score, so we were disappointed to go into the half without any points, especially when we knocked five players off of the pitch. We need to execute better, but norse are always tough with those werewolves and this team has some amazing catchers. That was a huge play by Biaz., Abend commented regarding the first half performance. Second Half a Chance for Redemption Following halftime the medical staffs released all eight players from concussion protocol allowing both teams to field a full eleven again. Louisville City kicker Mark-Anthony Kaye booted the ball deep, but Gangler moved into position to catch the kick. The Ninnies started their attack strongly as portmouth and the mercenary Yhetti sent Lancaster and Ballard right back into concussion protocol. As expected, Gangler threw another nice pass to Waver and she made her way into Louisville City territory, looking to score quickly with berserker Katie Bites leading the norse blockers. The experienced Louisville City defense kicked into gear and catcher Luke Spencer lead the charge along with three of the Louisville City blitzers. Tarek Morad and Sean Reynolds sent both Bites and Waver into the stands, but before tumbling out of bounds, Waver threw up a prayer of a pass across the field to a streaking Biaz. Unfortunately for the Ninnies, Biaz could not haul in the catch. This sent the game into a frenzy with the violence level matching the first half. The two wolves sent Davis and Kaye off with nasty injuries, but both players expect to play next week, while Portmouth also got sent to the apothecaries. The mercinary Yhetti lunged at Ranjitsingh but was met with the ogre's fist and was also carted off of the field. In the scrum for the loose ball lasted for most of the half as five different players touched the ball. Gangler had worked her way back into the mix and tripped as she tried to recover. Eventually the ball ended up in Abend's hands. Following the chaos, Smith laid a knock out blow on Walt Pizza and Louisville City set up a screen for Spencer. With lots of open space between the catcher and the endzone, Abend threw a tight spiral right into the catcher's chest. Spencer dropped the ball. Refusing to give up, Abend ran forward, grabbed the ball from near Spencer's feet and launced a long pass to a wide open Paco Craig. The crowd erupted as Craig dove into the endzone to put Louisville City up with almost no time left on the clock.

12 TOUCHDOWN...LOUISVILLE CITY! With Kaye sidelined, Abend took over kicking duties as City set up in a prevent defense.. Gangler took the kickoff and failed to complete a third pass, ending the match 1-0 in favor of Louisville City. Awards and Property Damage Abend put up another MVP worthy performance with his game winning touchdown pass to Craig, but the MVP of the match goes to blitzer Kyle Smith. Smith stayed in the thick of things, making many great blocks and helped set up the game winner with a bell ringing hit on Walt Pizza. Sean Reynolds also played a huge role for the visiting team, including his hit forcing Waver into the stands, so Blood Illustrated awared him with their MVP trophy. For the visiting team, the wolves made some great hits, injuring a pair of lineman and the MVP award goes to Gangler. She had the Ninnies in position to score twice and her two completed passes earned her praise from everyone in attendance. A special shout out goes to the medical staffs of both teams, as they were forced to treat many players throughout the game, but eight players recovered at halftime and no one suffered any serious injuries. Both teams expect to go into week three at full health. The stadium didn't fare as well. Louisville City came out of the match closer to raising enough cash to purchase Slugga field, but suffered a minor setback. While celebrating the spectacular touchdown pass from Abend to Craig, fans damaged a significant portion of bleachers in the norse stadium. We've got to be better guests than that, fans. This resulted in a fine of twenty thousand gold to help repair the seating.

13 That's gonna cost us... Louisville City will move on and look to add more gold to the bank as well as pick up a third win on the season as they continue in divisional play. Buy more merchandise, visit our sponsors and keep coming out to cheer on the boys. Come on City!

14 Da Vulchas Out Bash the Grudge Bearers 1-0 Today witnessed the birth of a South Division rivalry when the Grudge Bearers took on Da Vulchas for the first time. Promoters billed this match-up as the Ornery Bowl, given the two teams surly dispositions, and this series looks to be an entertaining one. All the commentators seemed to believe that this would be a bloody, low-scoring game, and their predictions appeared to be spot on. The Grudge Bearers had spent some extra time training for the match, and made sure that their bench was well-stocked with Bloodweiser kegs, but would all of their extra preparation pay off? They were down one player since Grathor Noblefinger had smashed his hand in the previous game, but they were confident that they would be able to hold their own in what promised to be a physical game. Da Vulchas won the coin toss and elected to kick off to the Grudge Bearers. The fans gave a loud cheer at kick-off, eager to see some old-school, smash-mouth Blood Bowl. Runner Rigom Copperbone scooped up the ball and moved up the center of the field, waiting to see if his line could open up a running lane. The Grudge Bearers threw themselves into the fray to try to clear a path for him. Gilid Flintsworn cracked Narbak Muzzlefang across the chin, knocking him unconscious and collecting a few teeth in the process. The rookie Troll Slayer Brirok Grudgepunch saw an opening to live up to his calling and launched himself at Grumm, Da Vulchas lumbering troll. He delivered a vicious kick to the troll s groin, which crushed both of the big guy s testicles and sent him to the bench howling in pain. Da Vulchas apothecary refused to examine the extent of the injury (and who could blame him?!), however, the troll s regenerative ability meant that he quickly grew a pair and was able to return later in the game. Angry at the cheap shot against his team-mate, Bumgag Facecutta lowered his shoulder and hammered Khedum Ironseeker, only realizing later that he d gotten the wrong Troll Slayer. Copperbone kept trying to find an opening, first to the right, then to the left, and then back to the right, but everywhere he turned Da Vulchas had plugged the hole with a big, angry Orc. Despite being up a player, the Grudge Bearers drive stalled and the first half expired without a score. The second half of the game was delayed when a freak lightning storm formed suddenly inside the dome. Stadium security was summoned and a human mage was escorted from the premises. Sources indicate the mage may have ties to the city of Nuln, but these rumors have not been confirmed. Could the Lions have attempted to interfere with the game s outcome? League officials are investigating these allegations, and if true, could have some serious consequences.

15 During the delay, Grathor Noblefinger was spotted near Da Vulchas bench, claiming to be looking for the outhouse. Head Coach Vomad ran him off, but it wasn t until after kick-off that he noticed that something was not quite right with thrower Morkid Krookhacka. The kick-off flew high in the air, but rather than moving to catch the ball, Morkid sprinted towards the line and threw himself at Olekogg Ironforge. Glassy-eyed and foaming at the mouth, Morkid flailed wildly at the Dwarf Runner but he stepped aside of the bull-rush and delivered a nasty strike to the Orc s temple, knocking him unconscious. Gritzor Tuskrukk tried to get there in time to help, but arrived a little too late. Still, he knocked Ironforge out in retaliation. Seeing what had happened to Morkid, Jumm Edwakka scooped up the ball and moved up behind his teammates protective screen. Da Vulchas set to work, tying up the Grudge Bearers players and pushing them out of the way. Agrog Bloodcleava sent Ironseeker back to the Apothecary s table for the remainder of the game, while Grudgepunch knocked Bumgag unconscious. Both sides were fighting hard, but Da Vulchas were slowly winning the war of attrition. Jumm finally found a way clear down the left sideline, with Rigzod Mightygutta running alongside to clear the way. Brogir Plainbeam sprinted towards the pair hoping to prevent a score. Rigzod tried to engage him, but the plucky Blitzer dodged out of the way and threw himself at Jumm in a last desperate act. He bowled into Jumm, and the impact knocked the ball loose. He had done it, against all odds! However, there was still time left on the clock, and none of the Grudge Bearers were close enough to capitalize on the loose ball. Angry at being denied a score, Jumm jumped up and drove Plainbeam face first into the pitch. Plainbeam was unable to get back up, having suffered a pinched nerve in his back, and while he writhed on the ground Rigzod secured the ball. He walked it in for a touchdown. The stands were swaying under the weight of thousands of screaming fans as Da Vulchas set up in a prevent defense and kicked off one last time with only seconds left on the clock. Seeing that they didn t even have enough time to get a play off, the Grudge Bearers players surrounded Da Vulchas line in an attempt to get in one final, parting shot. Grudgepunch tripped Grumm and put him on the ground, and Drethid Keengrip gave him the boot. The ref ejected him from the game, but it didn t matter, as the game was over. Grumm was named MVP for his outstanding testicular fortitude, while Noblefinger got the nod for the Grudge Bearers. Even though he had to sit out the game, he did everything he could to help his team win, spiking Morkid s sports drink and passing out Bloodweiser ale to get his teammates back on the pitch. When Morkid had recovered his wits enough to realize what had happened, he vowed to get his revenge. Da Vulchas had their own grudge to bear now.

16 After another impressive showing, Orkley Sunglasses decided to renew their sponsorship deal with Da Vulchas, this time signing a long-term contract. Rebounding from last week s loss to the Blaine Bashers, Da Vulchas future was looking bright again. Now they ve got the eyewear to prove it!

17 Week 3 Division Showdown! Eagles versus Renegades! Well folks, with the recent rainout between the Norsica Rampagers and Elfheim Eagles, the Eagles now must play 2 games in one cycle to catch up! The Blood God s Renegades took a beating from the Magetown Yellowjackets recently and will come into the game a little banged up. Down a few players, league sources suggest that the Renegades will sign a journeyman players for a week long contract. With an Ogre and Troll shoring up the line, the Renegades don t look to be concerned facing the fragile Elves normally, however after Magetown finished with them, there might be a bit of trepidation going into week 3. Losing 3 players from the roster in one week is brutal and the Renegades cannot afford a repeat of this in week 3. The Eagles on the other hand, are rested, and healed up for the most part. There will be a short contract player on the roster with high hopes of making it to the big time, but the positionals are all back in action with the return of Dr. Dre. The Renegades facing an Elf team in back to back weeks, should see them prepared for the high scoring shenanigans the Union Elves like to employ in their games. They were one misplaced ball away from a tie last week, even with the casualties. Elfheim is no Magetown however, so real opportunities exist this week on getting back into the Win column and making a play for not only the playoffs, but also the Division Championship. Elfheim faced a Human team in week one, and suffered no serious injuries, which allowed the team to gain some much needed rest prior to kicking off divisional play. Missing the game initially versus Norsica puts the team behind a week in development, but did allow them to avoid some of the bash that could have gone very badly for them. That game will be made up this cycle however, so an uphill battle for the Eagles is on the horizon. With Magetown ahead 2-0 in the division, neither team can afford a loss this week. Both teams must face the Rampagers in the coming weeks, so this game could be a season deciding win, or loss. If the Renegades lose, they will fall to 1-2 on the season and likely out of contention for the Division crown. If the Eagles lose, it is not as bleak at 1-1, but again, a game against Norsica could quickly lead them into a 1-2 hole as well. With a win, either team could put themselves into prime position going forward toward the next cross divisional game. Keeping themselves within striking distance of the playoffs, while getting the draw of a lower ranked team in another division is indeed the goal. My prediction is that the loser of this game, is done for the season, and the winner, could springboard all the way to the playoffs. The Eagles need to put up a lot of points to compete, and the Renegades need to shut them down completely and grind out a 2-1 or 1-0 win to close the door on Elfheim in the divisional race.

18 The Season is going well for the upstart Magetown Yellow Jackets. But is it going too well? These squishy Elves seem to be doing something right because only number 11 has managed to get herself killed live on Cabal Vision!...That may explain the loss of ratings every time we mention the Yellow Jackets... During their first game of the season against Myrmidons they played like the rookies that they are and tried to out bash their human opponents. Surprisingly this went rather well for them as Nuffle surely blessed their blocking dice. It was a total reversal of destiny that saw very little elf blood spilled, and resulted in more than a few viewers trying to find a hidden sorcerer in the crowd. They Magetown Yellow Jackets blocked and ran their way into the in-zone, apparently forgetting that it s best for little elves to just throw it there instead. Even more confusing than their first game was their second matchup against the Blood God Renegades. It was as if all the vibrato from their first game of the season left them just as a Renegade Ogre landed a mighty blow right on top of number 11 s head. The thunderous shatter followed by a light rain of bone, brain matter, and blood must have reminded the Yellow Jackets that fighting wasn t for the fairer races. During their next turn they began to remember how to dodge, and dodge they did. Running and diving their way to an early lead, thought it didn t keep them safe from the injury table. Despite their early successes they allowed their opponent to score, and this meant that during the second half they would be playing for a tie rather than a resounding victory. After the kick landed the game was truly on, but the fans didn t seem to care as many in the stands were throwing rocks. After a back an forth between the defensive and offensive lines(by that we mean the elves occasionally threw a block, but mostly ran away) only about half of the Yellow Jacket s roster was still on the field. Moral was low, the body count was high! Just when it seems like Nuffle has forsaken them a second ball appeared on the field! The Evles who get excited enough about grabbing up one ball were eager to get their mitts on this new entry in hopes of obtaining a whole pair! The Yellow Jackets were able to slip right on behind their opponents line and snatch up the second ball, but there was no way for them to get a down-touch before the Renegades scored. Just as the Renegade Lineman made it across the line to score he was left ball-less and confused as the ball he was holding simply vanished into thin air. This brought a lot of attention to the Yellow Jacket Catcher who chose not to waste his time in the lime light by quickly dodging his way to a down-touch and bringing the game conclusion in true elven style. Who will be their next opponent (Norsica)? How many of them will die? Time will tell( but the answers are probably we don t know, and all of them).

19 Navigating a Path by the Stars An exclusive interview with the Koh s Assistant Coach, Xib Chun B.I. Halfling Reporter Alf B aked (AB): Thank you Xib Chun for taking our questions today. The fans have been dying to more about this rags to riches team! Xib Chun (XC).: It s my pleasure Alf. Tell them if they are dying anyway, they should consider pledging themselves as a sacrifice to the creators. Ssssss.ssssss.sssssss (laughter?). Sorry, just a little Lizardmen humor. AB: Ummm, yeah right. Anyway, first thing the fans want to know is how you are adjusting to your new role on the team? I mean last year, you were the stand out player of the team. This year, you have to sit on the sidelines, watching all the action go down. XC: I don t see it as sitting on the sidelines. The role is different but I am still very much part of the action. I am now just more of a guiding hand versus the hand in motion.

20 AB: What has been your toughest hurdle as an assistant coach? XC: Well it s getting the guys to recognize my new authority. I wasn t even the team captain and now they have to do as I say. I mean they respect me and all, but that is different then having to take orders from me. We are all still getting used to it. it s not that I am cold blooded, well at least not in that way.. AB: Who has been the hardest to get into line? I mean, as a shaman, they know you can mark them for sacrifice right? XC: Well there is a certain Saurus, who won t be named, that is having a hard time with it, but we are working on things. And team discipline is nothing like that. I mean it s not that I am cold blooded, well at least not in that way, but I do have to keep a hard line on things. AB: Well something is going right. The Kohs are currently undefeated with exception of the season s first exhibition game versus the top ranked BBC. How much of that is your influence? Do you think you will get another go at the BBC? How do you think you would fair? XC: Our wins are a team effort, it is not just one lizard leading the charge. I hope we get another shot at them, but later, we are still developing. Next time we meet them, I want us to be equally matched. As far as how we would do, the stars only know. That was a blow to the team for sure.. AB: Speaking of one lizard leading the charge, you all lost your fastest player, Xuk ek this cycle. What are the Koh s plans on replacing him? XC: That was a blow to the team for sure. But after the game, we sat there with his remains, said a few words and remembered him, then we split up his body and feasted to allow his spirit to strengthen us. I think it s for the better really, I mean K uk um is already showing some improvement. Don t get me wrong, he was a brother to me, literally as we are spawn-mates, and he will be missed. But boiled down to it, he made a mistake and paid the price. Bloodbowl is an unforgiving mistress. AB: YOU ATE HIM!! LIKE, LITERALLY ATE HIM?!?! XC: Of course we did, how else were we to absorb his strength. You are a halfling, you know the key to a strong mind and body is a strong spirit and nutrition. This way we got it all in one. AB: I. I mean.

21 XC: Can we continue on, you seem to be having issue with this, so best just go on to the next question. AB: Ummmm, yeah. One last set of questions, then I need to go try to keep my third lunch down. What do you see in the Koh s future? What will your all s toughest hurdle be? XC: Well the fortunes have already been told we are destined for great things, whether happens this year or not only the Old Ones know for sure. Besides ourselves, our toughest hurdles are going to be our division as a whole. The Grudgebearers and Da Vulchas are wildcards and the Lions are always a thorn in our side every time we play. We just need to keep doing what we are doing and let fate handle the rest. Basher Nation Report By Chris Williams Not today! And not in our house! Backup blitzer Numbskull declares in the pre game team meeting. Then he backs up on field setting a team record with four casualties. Our Blaine Bashers welcomed Coach Kyle and team Instinct in there first central game. Welcome to Central! Shouted the coward as the teams lined up for the first kick off. Team Instinct won the coin toss and decided to receive. Unfortunely that was the high point of the game for the Ogres and runts. the Bashers won the game 2-0. We now join Coach Skullface in the post game conference already in progress. #%#***&, $@&&@#$$@! And that s all I got to say about that. But I do want to give a hardy WAAGGH! To Dog House, as much as it pains me. He was a real pain in the arse. And now just for this game, but at this point, every game - just ask Coach Jonathon. Numbskull may have gotten the headlines, but Dog House was the true star of the game. He makes it his business to always be in the way of the other teams plans. Actually there is a saying here at Basher Nation - No plans survives contact with Dog House. He got his name because he was well, in the Dog House, but every week he proves me wrong. But as far as next weeks game goes, Basher Nation welcomes back The Hound after his one game suspension. For the first time this season, the next opponent will face a fully healthy Basher team. In addition, Stink To High Heaven, a veteran orc lineman has been spending extra practice time with Air Force. This can only enhance his value on the field as he represents Farblast and Sons. (When you want to blow something up from far away.). Throwing a bomb and throwing a bomb are not that different. And if for some reason, Air Force has to miss a game for some reason, Stink To High Heaven has been tapped as the back up quarterback. He may not have the agility or the hands, but at least he can throw the rock. This will all us to use

22 our same basic game plan, regardless of who or who does gets suspended by the league commissioner. Reporter: What do you expect for next game? Coach: Well, preseason, we were short handed. We still have a few pieces of the puzzle to put into place before we can go toe to toe with the league heavies. But with the help of our sponsors, we are using cold hard cash to buy those pieces in addition to targeted team training by our excellence coaching staff. And with in the next few games, the Bashers expect to up the game to the next level. By inter divisional round expect to see the new norm. Reporter: what the hell does that mean? Coach: Well, the league will soon find out. With a quirky smile, Coach Skullface stands up and leave the room leaving the press room scrambling for answers. Last Second Lost. As the bar crowd moans as the final whistle blows on the Lions game. People start yelling and scaring at the screens as the Logo of the Blood Bowl Televisions Network Logo comes on the screen, then changes to the desk of the news division. Behind the news desk sites, the main host of the show Dirk Neglar, the famed dwarf, and the infamous Grimzal the Mighty, black orc cohost. What a crazy end to this game we just had. With the return Barry Randers and Matthew Standford to the Lions line up. I would never would have thought I would see the Lions not be able to hold onto the ball like this or score like we know they can. Dirk spoke, Both teams really got lucky when the rain stop. But I think the Kohs were a lot happier to see the rain stop. Losing two players to the wet conditions really hurt the Kohs early on. Quite right Dirk, however the Lions could not capitalize on the loss of players by the Kohs and saw not one, or not two but three missed passing attempts to close out the first half scoreless. Gramzal started. But their defense was on point. Donk Night Train Lane really hit the Kohs hard. He was credited with blocks that took two players leaving the game. They kept the Kohs pressed the whole game. However, the Kohs were able to score quickly by taking the ball from the Lions in the back field to take the lead early on. Dirk spoke, The Lions quickly got their passing game back on track and quickly scored the next touchdown.

23 But the Kohs quickly came back and punched through the Lions knocking out many players, but then the Lions where able to break the ball free and start running down the field. Only to have a quick response from the Kohs to tackle the ball carrier and recover the ball back with the clock quickly running out of time rushed for the end zone to score and take the lead. Kohs really worked hard and crushed the Lions in the 2 nd half, to win the game and take the lead in the Division. The question is can the Lions recover from this and challenge the now leading Kohs in the division Grimzal remarked. Now let s go down to the field to our own Carl Reckler, hes with team Captain and Star Player for the Lions Matthew Standford. Dirk called out. The screen changes to the normally cohost Carl and Matthew Standford on the pitch. Thank you, Dirk, I m here with Matthew Standford, Captain and Star player for the Lions. Matthew rough lost tonight against the Kohs. Do you think the Lions recovered? Carl asked. Carl, it was a rough loss for the team, I m really proud of my team and how we played. We gave it our all and just came up short. Matthew responded. Matthew, it seemed the passing game really couldn t get started, do think that caused the lost tonight? Carl asked. Matthew turned a little towards Carl and spoke a little harder, yes we had a tough day with passing, but that is just how the game goes. You do good and bad on the pitch, you just have to recover. The crowd loses interest in the interview and what the rest of the show has to say about the Lions.

24 There Is Still Goblin in My Boots Ragnarok squared off against the motley Goblin crew of Lord s Kitchen this round of the league in a bout that left many of the Goblin team watching from the sidelines. In true Goblin form, the secret weapons were a plenty though the Lord s Kitchen coaching staff had made sure there were a few extra Goblins on-hand to keep their numbers up once the cheaters were chased from the field. Backed by two trolls, the Lord s Kitchen coaching staff hoped at some point, some ball carrying Goblin could get tossed into the end-zone. Fearing the damage that could be caused by the proliferation of dangerous weapons, the Ragnarok coaching staff made an uncharacteristic move of electing to receive the ball in the first half, after winning the toss. Hoping to score early and at least get some players off the pitch for the game. A wrinkle in the plan proved to be Viggo the Matted who after a bout with a ball and chain armed Goblin, proceeded to lounge around the midfield the entire half, never once bothering to get back up and join the game. While he managed to avoid any major harm from the fanatical goblin, he definitely did not earn his post-game grog, angering him greatly. It is rumored that the poor substitute lineman that had joined Ragnarok for the game did not make it home that night as a result. What did work out in Ragnarok s favor is the severe level of beating laid down on the poor Goblins left standing in their way as they marched down field. Goblin after Goblin felt the fury of the North with three players going to the injury box for various non-life-threatening injuries. While soundly beaten, none of the Goblins suffered any significant long-term trauma. Thorfast the Savage proved to be remarkably brutal, earning the Most Valuable Player award for the game for his efforts. Taking their time to score proved to be advantageous for Ragnarok. With a late half score and the bodies piling up in the locker room, the Lord s Kitchen coaching staff were forced to commit the rest of their cheating, secret weapon wielding, low-down dirty Goblins to the field for the last round of the first half. This proved to be quite disastrous because it meant that starting in the next half, after all the cheaters were expelled (despite much arguing from the Lord s Kitchen coach, which in turn, got her expelled from the game) there was not enough remaining standing Goblins to field a full eleven players on the field. Desperation seemed to have sunk in and without the key guidance from the Lord s Kitchen head coach, neither Troll seemed willing to throw a ball holding Goblin anywhere near the end zone. Ragnarok was able to capitalize on this (with Viggo finally deciding to join the fun) and managed to steal the ball away. Abernus Hafsson, sporting his fancy new sneakers, managed to outpace the sneaky little snots and scored his second goal of the game, sealing the win for Ragnarok. Next cycle, Ragnarok hopes to have a full compliment of their players and debuting a new fleet foot player to the team to help speed along the running game or just to add in an extra punch here or there. The Ragnarok Coaching staff could not be reached for comment as they were passed out drunk from all of the victory celebrations.

25 Coach Team Race Wins Loss Draw PF PA Cas Cas-A LBBC East Kurt Hampton Jormungandr Lizardmen Brad Hiner The Steamers Humans Jon Whelan Legion of Doom Humans Chris Nye Middenheim Lolphins Humans LBBC South Tony Niemann Kohs Lizardmen Henry Jones Nuln Lions Humans Jonathan Baker Da Vulchas Orcs Ben Baker Grudge Bearers Dwarves LBBC North Braedon Kincaid Red World Order Humans Mason Lehman Dire Bears Humans Tom Payne Margritta Myrmidons Humans Sean Payne Sons of Gold Dwarves LBBC West Travis Fisher Ragnarok Norse Brian Mathews Louisville City BBC Humans Whayne Rouse Norse Ninnies Norse Jennette Stebbing The Lords Kitchen Goblins LBBC Central Chris Williams Blain's Bashers Orcs Kyle Perkins Instinct Ogres Rob Prince Ogrenapolis Dolts Ogres Alex Elliot Headbashas Orcs LBBC Badlands Spencer Murphy Magetown Yellowjackets Elves Josh Dewitt Norsica Rampagers Norse Clay Knuckles Elfheim Eagles Elves Charles Garlinger Blood Gods Renegades Renegades

26 (editor note: this article was submitted after Week One and refers to events that came before the current week) SEASON OPENER, A TIE!! It was important for me to research the opponents to look for possible weaknesses. The dwarf's only weakness was that their troll slayers and runners had lighter armor. I was sure the dwarf team would also try to stand toe to toe with my ogres. My 5 ogres would be given plenty of opportunities to test their strength against the heavy armor of these short warriors. I had seen them on the field of combat beside the 1st royal heavy division. The armor would be a test for sure. The plan was to hit them often and hard. My scoring plan was to try the snotling's secret weapon. I would go after the runners by the names of Copperbone and Ironforge. If I could get them down or out it would make it hard for the dwarfs to score. I would also go after the trollslayers, Grudegepunch and Cragshield because of their lighter armor. I would try to put the "slayer" term to the test. The weather was perfect when we showed up to their stadium. The dwarfs had an average stadium; a lot of stone and a grass astroturf with some dry dirt spots. They had provided a decent dugout and water to boot. I had purchased extra "sawbones" to keep my ogres safe. I hoped I would not need it; it turned out to be wasted gold. Better safe than sorry I suppose. The dwarfs lost the coin toss; my ogres decided to receive. The ogres set up with four possible blocks from the start. The dwarfs pulled a trick and blitzed me. The refs were not watching this obviously. The ogres were caught off guard. Rhydon and Golem were knocked down to the ground with no damage to them. The ball was kicked and landed close to one of the snotlings. My ogres got to work pounding their short opponents. When the first half was over the dwarfs had scored one touchdown and I had knocked three of them out of the game. Going as planned, I hoped. The second half started as the first. The dwarfs had practiced this blitz maneuver apparently and three of my ogres went down again without injury. Gyrados was enraged by this cheating and jumped up and blitzed into a runner bringing down his steel boot onto the knee of Copperbone and crushing it. The sound was very satisfying. Gyrados further charged and lost his footing on the dry dirt and an unsatisfying pop was heard. Gyrados had hyper extended his knee. In the middle of the second half, my snotling Pidgey picked up the ball and ran to Tyranitar. The ogre successfully picked up Pidgey and tossed the snotling as far as he could. It was an excellent pitch. Pidgey yelled and screamed while flying through the air. To my surprise, he landed on his little shoe less feet and sprinted into the end zone. The score was one to one.