"The Draft" by dak. Fire Joe Morgan FJM Headquarters/Secret Air Force Nerve Gas Project Area 54 Utah, USA
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1 "The Draft" by dak Fire Joe Morgan FJM Headquarters/Secret Air Force Nerve Gas Project Area 54 Utah, USA
2 THE DRAFT dak / Fire Joe Morgan Productions EXT. -- DOUBLEDAY FIELD, COOPERSTOWN, NEW YORK. MUSIC: A very slow rendition of Take Me Out To The Ballgame, played on a piano and flute. As the lights come up, we see FIFTY BASEBALL PLAYERS standing with their toes on a white line, facing the audience. Each wears an entirely white uniform. A walks out to center stage, in front of the players. He is dressed as Kenesaw Mountain Landis. Good day, fans of major league baseball. The St. Louis Cardinals of the National League are no more. The Detroit Tigeres of the American Legaue cease to exist. Before you stand fifty players, waiting to be drafted by one of two new teams. These new teams will play a neutralsite best of seven series: The Fake World Series! MUSIC: Trumpet fanfare. TONY, dressed in all red, walks out to the Narrator s left. He is accompanied by DAVE. One team will be drafted by Anthony La Russa Jr. I ve asked pitching coach Dave Duncan to help me out today. Good luck, Anthony. The other team will be drafted by the incomparable James Richard Leyland. JIM, dressed in all navy, emerges from the opposite side, flanked by ANDY VAN SLYKE. He shakes La Russa s hand directly in front of.
3 2. I have asked my dear friend Andrew Van Slyke to assist me. I consider him (starts lighting a cigarette) an exceptional judge of... (sounds become indecipherable as he lights cigarette) Let the draft begin! Mr. Leyland, you have the first pick. The, attached to the rafters by wires, floats to the ceiling, out of view of the audience. We ll take Pujols. ALBERT PUJOLS emerges from the line of 50, to join Leyland. Chris Carpenter. My Game 1 starter. CHRIS CARPENTER gives a tip of his baseball cap and moves out next to. VAN SLYKE (TO ) How about Eckstein? Guy s a winner. He is. We all agree on that. He will probably be on the winning team...but... we ll take Verlander. JUSTIN VERLANDER joins. Boy I sure would love to win. Tempted to pick Eckstein here. and exchange some whispers. We ll take Nate Robertson. NATE ROBERTSON joins.
4 3. We ll take Eckstein. ECKSTEIN starts sprinting out to join -- but stops in his tracks as yells out: FUCK! What? You guys got Eckstein. Probably going to win now. I mean, we all agree, if we had to pick one player who is most likely to be on the winning team, Eckstein is first on that list. Right? / VAN SLYKE Yes. / Yeah, that s true. We should ve taken him. You know what, Tony, you re a friend of mine. And I feel bad. Let s start this thing over. I ll even let you go first. All the chosen PLAYERS return to their spot on the white line. You re a good man, James. and shake hands again, and stare at the audience for about 8 seconds. We ll take Eckstein. ECKSTEIN joins, the latter of whom is absolutely brimming with confidence. We ll take Pujols.
5 4. FUCK! ME! What? You okay? We could have had Pujols. He s the best player out there! You tricked us, Leyland! He didn t trick us. It s my own fault. You wanna start again? Yes. I ll let you go first. Okay, cool. I ll take Eckstein. FUCK IT! You can t do that! Now we re probably going to lose! Well, you guys can take Pujols now. I don t need the best player available! I need the guy who s going to be on the winning team. VAN SLYKE You don t think Pujols will help you win? (to VAN SLYKE) Pipe down, Van Slyke. I ll take care of this. (to ) You don t think Pujols will help you win?
6 5. Of course he will, he s the best player. He just won t help us much as Eckstein. We all agreed -- remember? So, wait. You guys think Eckstein s better than Pujols? Is that what we think too? What? Don t try to confuse us. We want Eckstein and Pujols. You guys can have everyone else. O...kay? The descends from the rafters. Play Ball!
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