Text adventure game Text adventure game OK. 2 I designed some English text adventure games. 2 OK. 3 This is the first one.

Transcription

1 1 Text adventure game OK 2 I designed some English text adventure games. 2 OK 3 This is the first one. 3 OK 4 I would like to know if there are any wrong sentences or expressions. 4 OK 5 Thank you very much OK 7 You and your aunt are traveling in Thailand. 7 8 The tour guide brings you to a small shop full of ivory products. 9 Your aunt shouts excitedly: How beautiful and cheap they are! 10 It's impossible to have such a nice price in our country! 11 > Great souvenirs for my friends! You decide to choose beautiful ivory products with your aunt. 8 9 OK 10 This is alright, but something like "It's impossible to find such good prices in our country!" might sound better. 11 Consider changing to: "These'll be great souvenirs for my friends!" OK 13 > This must be fake! 13

2 14 Don't waste money on it! You whisper to your aunt OK 16 > But the short message we received when arriving says it's not allowed to bring ivory back to our country. You are quite worried OK OK 19 On the day you are leaving, your tour group is stopped at the security check of Thailand's airport. 20 The airport officers ask some teammates for the valid certificate of their ivory souvenirs as Thailand is a member of the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Fauna and Flora(CITES), which means all the ivory trade inside Thailand is under control with limited certificates The airport officers ask some teammates members of the tour group for the valid certificate of their ivory souvenirs as Thailand is a member of the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Fauna and Flora (CITES), which means that all the ivory trade inside Thailand is under controlled with by officially authorized limited certificates. I inserted a space between "Flora" and "(CITES)". Since you are referring to a tour group, "teammates" doesn't make sense. I made some changes to the end of the sentence to make it sound more natural.

3 21 Unfortunately, none of them has the valid certificate as that small shop is not an authorized one. 21 Unfortunately, none of them has the a valid certificate as that small shop is not an authorized one. 22 All their ivory souvenirs are detained by the officers Some teammates are fined with lots of money. 23 Some teammates of the other travelers face are fined with lots of money stiff fines. I think this sounds more natural. 24 However, this does not mean you can bring legal ivory back to China. 25 Another certificate issued by the Chinese government is required. 26 If you don't have one, you are about to break the law as well [Safe Ending] 27 OK OK 29 There may be fake ivory products mixed with real ones in this kind of small shop But your aunt doesn't believe: How do you know 30 But your aunt doesn't believe you: How do you know

4 that? 31 It looks very nice! 31 that? You can add you to make it flow easily. Jazz 32 > You give up persuading your aunt and she buys a lot. 32 OK OK 34 > You ask the seller for the certificate OK OK 37 You have reliable intuition All endangered and precious animal products are entry-exit limited items and required the declaration. 39 At the declare channel, you need to fill in the luggage declaration form with all the ivory products you have bought. 38 All endangered and precious animal products are entryexit limited items and required the declaration. 39 At the declaration channel, you need to fill in the luggage declaration form with all the ivory products you have bought. I'm not sur if "declare channel" is a commonly used term, but "declaration channel" sounds better to me.

5 40 > 5 40 OK OK 42 Now you are asked by the officers of China custom for the certificate of bringing ivory products cross custom. 42 Now you are asked by the officers of China Customs for the certificate of bringing ivory products across customs. You are now asked by the Chinese Customs officers for the certificate needed to bring the ivory products through customs. You can rearrange the sentence, like I did above to make it flow better. Jazz 43 > What is that? OK 45 > I don't have a certificate OK OK 48 You and your aunt decide not to declare your items When you are passing the security check, your luggage are detained by the officers at the green channel. 49 When you are passing the security check, your luggage are is detained by the officers at the green channel.

6 I think "is" sounds better here. When you are passing the security check, your luggage is detained by the officers at the green channel. Jazz 50 You two are asked to open the luggage for a checkup. 50 You two are asked to open the luggage for a checkup. It is already implied that you and your aunt are both being asked, so it isn't necessary to say "You two". If it isn't clear you could say "You are both asked" instead. 51 Unfortunately, your ivory products attract their attention. 52 You are asked to show the certificate to prove the validity of those ivory products > What is that? OK 55 > I don't have a certificate OK OK 58 You and your aunt have bought a lot of ivory 58 You and your aunt have bought a lot of ivory decorations

7 decorations like bracelets, necklaces, chopsticks and so on. 59 Few days later, when you arrive at China custom of the airport, there are two channels in front of you. goods like bracelets, necklaces, chopsticks and so on. 59 A few days later, when you arrive at China Customs of at the airport, there are two channels in front of you. A few days later, when you arrive at China customs of the airport, there are two channels in front of you. When using china custom, it does not flow very well, maybe make it know to your reader or play that they are in a Chinese airport. If you do the previously stated than you can just say customs instead of china custom(s). It sounds funny in a sentence. For this sentence you can change it to : A few days later you arrive at the customs part of the airport, there are two channels in front of you. Jazz 60 > Go to the declare channel. 60 > Go to the declare declarations channel. Again, I'm not sure what the official name is, but I think "declarations" sounds better OK 62 > Go to the nothing to declare channel. 62 > Go to the 'nothing to declare' channel.

8 Is there an official name for this channel? OK OK 65 You have noticed a very important message! China is a member of the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Fauna and Flora(CITES). 66 China is a member of the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Fauna and Flora (CITES). China is a member of the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Fauna and Flora (CITES). China is a member of the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Fauna and Flora (CITES). 67 All the wildlife protected by CITES and Law of the People's Republic of China on the Protection of Wildlife etc. 67 OK 68 are not allowed to entry the custom without a certain 68 are not allowed to enter the customs without a certain

9 certificate issued by the government. certificate issued by the government. 69 But your aunt still doesn't believe: Look at our teammates, they are all buying! 70 > Keep persuading your aunt OK 72 > Give up persuading your aunt OK OK 69 "Teammate" isn't the correct word to use here, it would be better to say: "Look at the rest of the tour group, everyone else is buying!" 75 On the day you are leaving, your tour group is stopped at the security check of Thailand's airport. 76 The airport officers ask your aunt and other teammates for valid certificate of their ivory souvenirs as Thailand is a member of the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Fauna and Flora(CITES), which means all the ivory trade inside Thailand is under control with limited certificates The airport officers ask your aunt and other teammates members of the tour group for valid certificate of their ivory souvenirs as Thailand is a member of the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Fauna and Flora (CITES), which means that all the ivory trade inside Thailand is under controlled with by officially authorized limited certificates. The airport officers ask your aunt and other teammates

10 77 > OK OK for a valid certificate of their ivory souvenirs as Thailand is a member of the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Fauna and Flora(CITES), which means all the ivory trade inside Thailand is under control with limited certificates. Jazz 79 Unfortunately, none of you has a valid certificate as that small shop is not an authorized one. 79 Unfortunately, none of you have a valid certificate as that small shop is not an authorized one. Jazz 80 All their ivory souvenirs are detained by the officers Your aunt and other teammates are fined with lots of money. 82 However, this does not mean you can bring legal ivory back to China. 83 Another certificate issued by the Chinese government is required. 81 Your aunt and other teammates members of the tour group are fined with lots a large sum of money You could also say: "Your aunt and other members of the tour group are forced to pay a stiff fine."

11 84 If you don't have one, you are about to break the law as well [Bad Ending] 85 OK OK 87 To apply for the Certificate for Wildlife Allowed to Import( 野生动植物允许进口证明书 ), you have to be a citizen or a legal person engaged in foreign trade activities which allowed by the government. 88 You need to submit a written application, an application form of Certificate for Wildlife Allowed to Import, approval documents from administrative authorities, import and export contracts or agreements. 87 To apply for the Certificate for Wildlife Allowed to Import ( 野生动植物允许进口证明书 ), you have to be a citizen or a legal person engaged in foreign trade activities which are allowed by the government. I inserted a space after "Import". 88 You need to submit a written application, the Certificate for Wildlife Allowed to Import form, and receive approval documents from the administrative authorities, in accordance with import and export contracts or agreements. This sentence isn't clearly written. I'm not sure how many forms are being described. I rewrote it assuming that it is describing one application form. You need to submit a written application, the Certificate for Wildlife Allowed to Import form, and receive approval documents from the administrative authorities, in accordance with import and export contracts or agreements.

12 89 > OK OK 91 The full title of the certificate is Certificate for Wildlife Allowed to Import( 野生动植物允许进口证明书 ). 91 The full title of the certificate is Certificate for Wildlife Allowed to Import ( 野生动植物允许进口证明书 ). The full title of the certificate is Certificate for Wildlife Allowed to Import ( 野生动植物允许进口证明书 ). 92 China is a member of the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Fauna and Flora(CITES). 92 China is a member of the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Fauna and Flora (CITES). China is a member of the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Fauna and Flora (CITES). China is a member of the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Fauna and Flora (CITES). 93 All the wildlife protected by CITES and Law of the 93 All the wildlife protected by CITES and Law of the

13 People's Republic of China on the Protection of Wildlife( 中华人民共和国野生动物保护法 ) etc. People's Republic of China on the Protection of Wildlife ( 中华人民共和国野生动物保护法 ) etc. All the wildlife protected by CITES and Law of the People's Republic of China on the Protection of Wildlife ( 中华人民共和国野生动物保护法 ) etc. 94 are not allowed to entry the custom without Certificate for Wildlife Allowed to Import. 94 are not allowed to enter the customs without the Certificate for Wildlife Allowed to Import. are not allowed to enter the customs without the Certificate for Wildlife Allowed to Import. 95 > How can I apply for this certificate? OK 97 > I don't have such a certificate OK OK 100 It's a good idea for you to insist on persuading, as bringing endangered and precious wild animal products back to China without certificate can be 100 It's a good idea for you to insist on persuading, as bringing endangered and precious wild animal products back to China without a certificate can be involved in

14 involved in the offense of smuggling which might receive imprisonment of several years! the offense of seen as smuggling which might receive could result in imprisonment of several years of prison time! It's a good idea for you to insist on persuading, as bringing endangered and precious wild animal products back to China without a certificate can be involved in the offense of smuggling which might receive imprisonment of several years! Jazz 101 You search on the internet with your smartphone and there are numerous pieces of news that report such cases. 101 You search on the internet with your smartphone and there are numerous pieces of news that report find several news reports about such similar cases. 102 Your aunt is persuaded and leaves the shop with you. 103 > OK OK 102 You can use convince to replace the word persuaded. " Your aunt is convinced and decided to leave the shop with you." 105 It seems you can't provide any certificate to explain your ivory products. 106 Unfortunately you and your aunt and all the ivory you bought are detained by the officers

15 107 However, as you have declared your items with a positive attitude, the officers decide not to implement any administrative penalty on you, but only confiscating all the ivory products. 107 However, as you have declared your items with a positive attitude, the officers decide not to implement any administrative penalty on you, but only confiscating all the ivory products they let you go but confiscate all of the ivory products. I'm not sure what expression would sound better than "positive attitude" here, but I think there's a better way to say this. Maybe, "as you were honest about declaring your items" would be better. 108 > OK OK 110 The full title of the certificate is Certificate for Wildlife Allowed to Import( 野生动植物允许进口证明书 ). 110 The full title of the certificate is Certificate for Wildlife Allowed to Import ( 野生动植物允许进口证明书 ). The full title of the certificate is Certificate for Wildlife Allowed to Import ( 野生动植物允许进口证明书 ). 111 China is a member of the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Fauna and Flora(CITES). 111 China is a member of the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Fauna and Flora (CITES). China is a member of the Convention on International

16 Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Fauna and Flora (CITES). China is a member of the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Fauna and Flora (CITES). 112 All the wildlife protected by CITES and Law of the People's Republic of China on the Protection of Wildlife( 中华人民共和国野生动物保护法 ) etc. 112 All the wildlife protected by CITES and Law of the People's Republic of China on the Protection of Wildlife ( 中华人民共和国野生动物保护法 ) etc. All the wildlife protected by CITES and Law of the People's Republic of China on the Protection of Wildlife ( 中华人民共和国野生动物保护法 ) etc. 113 are not allowed to entry the custom without Certificate for Wildlife Allowed to Import. 113 are not allowed to enter the customs without the Certificate for Wildlife Allowed to Import. are not allowed to enter the customs without the Certificate for Wildlife Allowed to Import. 114 > How can I apply for this certificate? OK

17 116 > I don't have such a certificate OK OK 119 Finally you and your aunt are on the way home with empty luggage. 119 Finally you and your aunt are on the your way home with empty luggage. Finally you and your aunt are on the your way home with empty luggage. 120 It's still lucky for you as you might be involved in the offense of smuggling if you decide not to declare. 120 You were lucky, you could have been involved in a smuggling offense had you decided not to declare. This sounds more natural. 121 [Safe Ending] 121 OK OK 123 To confirm you doubt, you ask the seller for a certificate that issued by Thailand government. 123 To confirm your doubt, you ask the seller for a certificate that issued by the Thailand government. 124 Of course, they can't provide it Your aunt then believes, you two just leave the shop. 125 Your aunt then finally believes you, you and the two of

18 you just leave the shop. 126 > OK OK 128 It seems you can't provide any certificate to explain your ivory products. 129 Unfortunately you and your aunt are taken away for a further inquest as you are suspected of being involved in the offense of smuggling. 130 All the ivory you bought is confiscated by the officers > OK OK 133 Your aunt buys a lot of ivory decorations like bracelets, necklaces, chopsticks and so on. 133 Your aunt buys a lot of ivory decorations goods like bracelets, necklaces, chopsticks and so on. 134 > OK OK 136 To apply for the Certificate for Wildlife Allowed to 136 To apply for the Certificate for Wildlife Allowed to

19 Import, you have to be a citizen or a legal person engaged in foreign trade activities which allowed by the government. 137 You need to submit a written application, the application form of Certificate for Wildlife Allowed to Import, approval documents from administrative authorities, import and export contracts or agreements. Import, you have to be a citizen or a legal person engaged in foreign trade activities which are allowed by the government. 137 You need to submit a written application, the Certificate for Wildlife Allowed to Import form, and receive approval documents from the administrative authorities, in accordance with import and export contracts or agreements. 138 > OK OK 140 After initial identification, more than half of your ivory products are actually fake, the rest of which is worth less than 20 thousand RMB, which means the circumstances are relatively minor according to Criminal Law( 刑法 ). 141 Besides, both you and your aunt bought these ivory only for souvenirs and gifts, which doesn't show your subject intent of smuggling. 140 After initial identification, more than half of your ivory products are actually fake, the rest of which is worth less than 20,000 RMB, which means the circumstances are relatively minor according to Criminal Law ( 刑法 ). You could either write "twenty thousand" or "20,000". 141 Besides, both you and your aunt bought these ivory only for souvenirs and gifts, which doesn't show your subject any intent of smuggling.

20 142 The officers then issue you Notice of Administrative Penalty Decision( 行政处罚决定书 ) that impose a fine of 1000 RMB without imprisonment. 142 The officers then issue you a Notice of Administrative Penalty Decision ( 行政处罚决定书 ) that impose a fine of 1000 RMB without imprisonment. 143 > OK OK 145 Finally you and your aunt are on the way home with empty luggage. 145 Finally you and your aunt are on the your way home with empty luggage. Finally you and your aunt are on the your way home with empty luggage. 146 It's still lucky for you as you might be sentenced to one or more years in prison if all the ivory things were real. 146 You were lucky, as you could have been sentenced to one or more years in prison if all of the ivory had been authentic. Rewritten to sound more natural. I also chose to use "authentic" rather than "real", because I think it sounds more appropriate. 147 [Safe Ending] 147 OK

21 I I designed an English text adventure game. I

22 1 Text adventure game I designed some English text adventure games. 3 This is the first one. 4 I would like to know if there are any wrong sentences or expressions. 5 Thank you very much. : It's a challenge to write something like this in a second language. You did a good job! Let me know if you have any further questions. Good luck! Jazz: This was pretty good. I would suggest taking the time to say this out loud several times until you know for sure that the sentence flow. if a sentence does now flow easily when reading out loud then it most certainly won' flow well when it is being read by the player You and your aunt are traveling in Thailand. 8 The tour guide brings you to a small shop full of ivory products. 9 Your aunt shouts excitedly: How beautiful and cheap they are! 10 It's impossible to have such a nice price in our country! 11 > Great souvenirs for my friends! You decide to choose beautiful ivory products with your aunt > This must be fake!

23 14 Don't waste money on it! You whisper to your aunt > But the short message we received when arriving says it's not allowed to bring ivory back to our country. You are quite worried On the day you are leaving, your tour group is stopped at the security check of Thailand's airport. 20 The airport officers ask some teammates for the valid certificate of their ivory souvenirs as Thailand is a member of the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Fauna and Flora(CITES), which means all the ivory trade inside Thailand is under control with limited certificates. 21 Unfortunately, none of them has the valid certificate as that small shop is not an authorized one. 22 All their ivory souvenirs are detained by the officers. 23 Some teammates are fined with lots of money. 24 However, this does not mean you can bring legal

24 ivory back to China. 25 Another certificate issued by the Chinese government is required. 26 If you don't have one, you are about to break the law as well. 27 [Safe Ending] There may be fake ivory products mixed with real ones in this kind of small shop. 30 But your aunt doesn't believe: How do you know that? 31 It looks very nice! 32 > You give up persuading your aunt and she buys a lot > You ask the seller for the certificate

25 37 You have reliable intuition. 38 All endangered and precious animal products are entry-exit limited items and required the declaration. 39 At the declare channel, you need to fill in the luggage declaration form with all the ivory products you have bought. 40 > Now you are asked by the officers of China custom for the certificate of bringing ivory products cross custom. 43 > What is that? > I don't have a certificate You and your aunt decide not to declare your items. 49 When you are passing the security check, your

26 luggage are detained by the officers at the green channel. 50 You two are asked to open the luggage for a checkup. 51 Unfortunately, your ivory products attract their attention. 52 You are asked to show the certificate to prove the validity of those ivory products. 53 > What is that? > I don't have a certificate You and your aunt have bought a lot of ivory decorations like bracelets, necklaces, chopsticks and so on. 59 Few days later, when you arrive at China custom of the airport, there are two channels in front of you. 60 > Go to the declare channel.

27 > Go to the nothing to declare channel You have noticed a very important message! 66 China is a member of the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Fauna and Flora(CITES). 67 All the wildlife protected by CITES and Law of the People's Republic of China on the Protection of Wildlife etc. 68 are not allowed to entry the custom without a certain certificate issued by the government. 69 But your aunt still doesn't believe: Look at our teammates, they are all buying! 70 > Keep persuading your aunt > Give up persuading your aunt.

28 On the day you are leaving, your tour group is stopped at the security check of Thailand's airport. 76 The airport officers ask your aunt and other teammates for valid certificate of their ivory souvenirs as Thailand is a member of the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Fauna and Flora(CITES), which means all the ivory trade inside Thailand is under control with limited certificates. 77 > Unfortunately, none of you has a valid certificate as that small shop is not an authorized one. 80 All their ivory souvenirs are detained by the officers. 81 Your aunt and other teammates are fined with lots of money. 82 However, this does not mean you can bring legal ivory back to China.

29 83 Another certificate issued by the Chinese government is required. 84 If you don't have one, you are about to break the law as well. 85 [Bad Ending] To apply for the Certificate for Wildlife Allowed to Import( 野生动植物允许进口证明书 ), you have to be a citizen or a legal person engaged in foreign trade activities which allowed by the government. 88 You need to submit a written application, an application form of Certificate for Wildlife Allowed to Import, approval documents from administrative authorities, import and export contracts or agreements. 89 > The full title of the certificate is Certificate for Wildlife Allowed to Import( 野生动植物允许进口证明书 ). 92 China is a member of the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Fauna and

30 Flora(CITES). 93 All the wildlife protected by CITES and Law of the People's Republic of China on the Protection of Wildlife( 中华人民共和国野生动物保护法 ) etc. 94 are not allowed to entry the custom without Certificate for Wildlife Allowed to Import. 95 > How can I apply for this certificate? > I don't have such a certificate It's a good idea for you to insist on persuading, as bringing endangered and precious wild animal products back to China without certificate can be involved in the offense of smuggling which might receive imprisonment of several years! 101 You search on the internet with your smartphone and there are numerous pieces of news that report such cases. 102 Your aunt is persuaded and leaves the shop with

31 you. 103 > It seems you can't provide any certificate to explain your ivory products. 106 Unfortunately you and your aunt and all the ivory you bought are detained by the officers. 107 However, as you have declared your items with a positive attitude, the officers decide not to implement any administrative penalty on you, but only confiscating all the ivory products. 108 > The full title of the certificate is Certificate for Wildlife Allowed to Import( 野生动植物允许进口证明书 ). 111 China is a member of the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Fauna and Flora(CITES). 112 All the wildlife protected by CITES and Law of the People's Republic of China on the Protection of

32 Wildlife( 中华人民共和国野生动物保护法 ) etc. 113 are not allowed to entry the custom without Certificate for Wildlife Allowed to Import. 114 > How can I apply for this certificate? > I don't have such a certificate Finally you and your aunt are on the way home with empty luggage. 120 It's still lucky for you as you might be involved in the offense of smuggling if you decide not to declare. 121 [Safe Ending] To confirm you doubt, you ask the seller for a certificate that issued by Thailand government. 124 Of course, they can't provide it.

33 125 Your aunt then believes, you two just leave the shop. 126 > It seems you can't provide any certificate to explain your ivory products. 129 Unfortunately you and your aunt are taken away for a further inquest as you are suspected of being involved in the offense of smuggling. 130 All the ivory you bought is confiscated by the officers. 131 > Your aunt buys a lot of ivory decorations like bracelets, necklaces, chopsticks and so on. 134 > To apply for the Certificate for Wildlife Allowed to Import, you have to be a citizen or a legal person engaged in foreign trade activities which allowed by

34 the government. 137 You need to submit a written application, the application form of Certificate for Wildlife Allowed to Import, approval documents from administrative authorities, import and export contracts or agreements. 138 > After initial identification, more than half of your ivory products are actually fake, the rest of which is worth less than 20 thousand RMB, which means the circumstances are relatively minor according to Criminal Law( 刑法 ). 141 Besides, both you and your aunt bought these ivory only for souvenirs and gifts, which doesn't show your subject intent of smuggling. 142 The officers then issue you Notice of Administrative Penalty Decision( 行政处罚决定书 ) that impose a fine of 1000 RMB without imprisonment. 143 >

35 145 Finally you and your aunt are on the way home with empty luggage. 146 It's still lucky for you as you might be sentenced to one or more years in prison if all the ivory things were real. 147 [Safe Ending]