2017 IS PUMPED OUT BO' SELECTA

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1 2017 IS PUMPED OUT No time for idle chatter, so this is the bare bones of what happened in week 21. Duncan's Pumpers shake off the weediness of week 20 and surge back into 2nd spot with a classy 39 pointer - nobody else got past 30 so this was pretty good stuff. Their main man was the week's Hero, Willian, who bagged a dozen against what we'll charitably call the Stoke reserves, Sparky Hughes having decided to save his big guns for the winnable clash with Newcastle (Spoiler alert - it did not work.) His team-mate Zappacosta also got in on the action, coming off the bench for a tenner, and there were clean sheets from The Pope (back by popeular demand,) Jones and the Mangala. Now just 40 behind the SaucyBoys and 7 in front of the MonkeyNutters. Next best, with a kinda wishy-washy 28 are the SaucyBoys, Ederson and Roy Walker cashing in on the clean sheet epidemic, while Chicken Tikka picked up his usual bonus in the form of two goals against Burnley for a tenner. Third banana, if there is such a thing, goes to Glenn and Lawro with 24. I normally wouldn't bother mentioning them and their rabble, but Glenn's had a hard coupla weeks on the Bo' Selecta machine and this might stop him crying the corner. They have four clean sheets from their Huddersfield and Burnley boys, and have laid in extra Irn Bru for the New Year celebrations. BO' SELECTA Again, not even the tiniest Christmas chipolata for Glenn to get his teeth into, and the special Xmas tin of 3-in-1 he bought for 'The Little Whizzer' (his pet name for the Bo' ticket machine) remains unused on the shelf.

2 PLAYER OF THE WEEK Willian bags a dozen for Duncan's Pumpers, and is overjoyed, even though he looks like he's being chased by a rattlesnake. REFFIN' HELL A shocking week for the MIB, clearly determined to end the year in a blaze of incompetence and controversy. The goalless draw between Burnley and Hudders should have been a Burnley 3 pointer, but Paul Tierney failed to see Hudders keeper Lossl hacking down Hendrick. Watford's last ditch loss to Swansea should have been a draw, but Son of Ron and his Minions didn't see that Ayew was offside when he scored the first goal - this was a close call, so perhaps less egregious than the others, but still wrong. Man Utd - and it hurts me to say this - should have had all three against Southampton, but Yoshida's blatant handball went unpunished by Craig Pawson, for some reason. And possibly worst of the lot, Mike 'Adolf' Dean awarded a penalty against Calum Chambers for handball when the ball was fired at him from three feet away and struck his arm right in front of his body. It's the most ridiculous decision I've seen this season and is completely at odds with the officials' pre-season briefing on how the handball law would be interpreted. Yet Mr Dean refused to explain his decision in any way and has been condemned by everyone who saw it, including ex-referees. I would just note that this is exactly the type of behaviour you would expect from an official who had been bribed. Not that he was bribed, of course, but if his actions and the consequences are indistinguishable from those of a corrupt official, what's the difference? Enquiry please. CHEAT'S CORNER Wilfried Zaha is an amazingly talented, spectacularly skillful and dangerous player. He's also a cheating fuckwit, who has figured out how to bamboozle officials and cheat opponents. Should be banned and told that next time it'll be for six

3 games. Anthony Martial isn't getting the game-time he might have expected, so he's now taken to diving as well, but less successfully than ol' Wilfried. Anthony Knockaert :/: Steven Ward-Prowse :/: Mikel Merino :/: Cheikou Kouyate :/: Demarai Gray :/: Van La Parra :/: Dele Alli :/: Richarlison de Andrade :/: Antonio Valencia :/: Van La Parra(2) :/: Mark Noble :/: Salomon Rondon :/: Cesc Fabregas :/: Oumar Niasse :/: Andre Ayew :/: Fernandinho :/: Danny Rose :/: Dusan Tadic :/: Ander Herrera :/: Manuel Lanzini :/: Andre Carrillo :/: Laurent Depoitre :/: Jose Izquierdo :/: Dele Alli(2) :/: Riyad Mahrez :/: Roberto Firmino :/: Danny Rose :/: Wilfried Zaha :/: Anthony Martial SECRET SQUIRREL'S DIARY No time for this stuff. The Squirrel will return next week. TRANSFERS The Pumpers have fired the mis-firing Bony and brought back the Pope. My Leakers have sacked Burnley boys Wood and Ward and brought in a coupla Evertonian defenders, clearly inspired into impenetrability by Big Sam, Martina and Kenny. PREDICT A MILLION The rash of 0-0 draws foxed most people, but Tom called four games correctly, one spot-on, so he gets the 2mill. With the transfer window opening, maybe we'll all be bidding for Thomas Lemar or Robert Lewandowski next week.

4 SKILLMEISTER WEEKLY POSITIONS

5 HIT PARADE