PMS Mornings. A Survival Guide for Men in Understanding (?) the Female Species. By Barb Ewing and Maria Sude. First Edition. A Chance Press Book
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1 PMS A Survival Guide for Men in Understanding (?) the Female Species By Barb Ewing and Maria Sude First Edition A Chance Press Book Universal Publishers USA 2002
2 PMS A Survival Guide for Men in Understanding (?) the Female Species By Barb Ewing and Maria Sude Edited by Katina Z. Jones, Chance Press Cover Design and book layout by Ihor Gernaga of Third I Graphic Design First Edition A Chance Press Book Published by Universal Publishers/ USA 2002 ISBN: # X All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system without written permission from the authors, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a book review. Copyright, 2002, Barb Ewing and Maria Sude A portion of all sales of this book will benefit domestic violence projects.
3 Instead of getting married again, I m going to find a woman I don t like and just give her a house. Lewis Grizzard
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5 Contents Preface: My Life As A Woman Part One: In the Beginning ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 1 Part Two: Getting to Know Women as They Really Are ~ ~ ~ 7 Part Three: A Peek Inside the Secret Sorority of I Am Woman ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 29 Part Four: Riddles of the Female Species ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 49 Part Five: Warning Labels and Survival Tips~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 67 Part Six: Training Courses Available for Women ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 93 Part Seven: Hope for the Future? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 99
6 My Life as a Woman The life of a woman is multidimensional, complex, wonderful, exhausting and incredibly gratifying, all at the same time. In the process of writing this book, we hoped to touch on many of the facets of the lives of women, while also making light of some of the eccentricities that we have. The experience of writing this book reminded us of the importance of finding humor in life s situations.we learned that being able to laugh at ourselves shows humility and security at the same time. Being able to laugh at ourselves says that we are human, and that we accept our strengths as well as our potentials and opportunities. Our first book, Disenchanted Evenings: A Girlfriend to Girlfriend Survival Guide for Coping with the Male Species, pointed out some of the idiosyncrasies of men that seem to drive women crazy.the book you are reading now was compiled from many items contributed by our male friends and readers of Disenchanted Evenings. Just as Disenchanted
7 Evenings hits home with some of our male readers, we believe that PMS :A Survival Guide for Men in Understanding(?) the Female Species will do the same with our female readers, while at the same time offering comfort and solace to our male readers. We can honestly say it was actually simple to point out some of our own eccentricities. For example, one of the training courses in this book is entitled, Basic Wardrobe Dressing: Beyond Black. Another one is The Art of Time Management: How to Drive,Talk on the Cell Phone and Put on Makeup at the Same Time. Anyone who knows us personally knows that these training courses fit us to a t.the men in our lives can certainly attest to that! We hope you enjoy the humor in PMS.We definitely have enjoyed writing this book and we re sure there are many men out there who will be happy we did. Barb Ewing and Maria Sude April 2002
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9 Part One: In the Beginning 1
10 PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS In the beginning, Then, Then, God created Earth and rested. God created man and rested. God created woman and since then, no one has rested. PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS 2
11 PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS First guy (proudly): PMS My wife s an angel! PMS PMS Second guy: PMS You re lucky, mine s still alive. PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS 3
12 PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS Food for Thought A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS 4
13 PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS But there is one thing that is the most PMS dangerous of all and we all have, or will, PMS eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and PMS suffering for years after eating it? PMS A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, Wedding cake. PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS 5
14 PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS A guy wins the lottery and runs home. Upon entering the house, he yells to his girlfriend, Pack your bags NOW, baby I just won the lottery! She responds, He says, Great! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains? I don t really care, just get the heck out! PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS 6
15 PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS Before marriage, PMS a man yearns for the woman he loves. PMS PMS After marriage, PMS the y becomes silent. PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS 7
16 PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, after marriage, and after death, a woman expects a man; she suspects him she respects him. PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS 8
17 PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS A couple came upon a wishing well. PMS PMS The husband leaned over, PMS made a wish and threw in a penny. PMS The wife decided to make a wish, too. But PMS she leaned over too much, fell into the well and drowned. PMS The husband was stunned for a while, PMS but then smiled and said, It works! PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS 9
18 PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: Wife wanted. Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine. PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS 10
19 Part Two: Getting to Know Women as They Really Are 11
20 PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS Hormone Hostage Every Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS 12
21 PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver s license in the PMS PMS wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other. PMS DANGEROUS: What s for dinner? PMS SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? PMS SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? PMS PMS DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT? SAFER: Gee, you look good PMS in brown. SAFEST: Wow! Look at you! PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS 13
22 PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be overreacting? SAFEST: Here s fifty dollars. DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS 14
23 PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day? PMS PMS SAFER: I hope you didn t overdo today. PMS SAFEST: I ve always loved you in that robe. PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS 15
24 PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS Actual ad in the New York Post FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend.wife knows f.ing everything! PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS 16
25 PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS Top Ten Things Only Women Understand 10. Cats facial expressions. PMS PMS 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors. PMS 8. Why bean sprouts aren t just weeds. PMS 7. Fat clothes. 6. Taking a car trip without trying to PMS beat your best time. 5. The difference between beige, ecru, PMS cream, off-white and eggshell. 4. Cutting your bangs to make them PMS grow. 3. Eyelash curlers. PMS 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. PMS 1. Other women. PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS PMS 17
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