The 2006 Coach Jay World Cup Awards
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1 The 2006 Coach Jay World Cup Awards Adjudicated by Jesse and Aaron Finkelstein Nominees Best Performance by a Striker Nobody s Ever Heard Of a. Jose Fonseca b. Agustin Delgado c. Asamoah Gyan d. Lukas Podolski Worst Performance by a Striker Everybody s Heard Of ( The Batistuta ) a. Andrei Schevchenko b. Didier Drogba c. Pauleta d. Ruud Van Nistlerooy Worst Performance by an Attacking Midfielder Everybody s Heard Of a. Frank Lampard b. Francesco Totti c. Zinedine Zidane d. Landon Donovan The Lebensraum Award a. Miroslav Klose b. Gerard Asamoah c. Oliver Neuville d. Lukas Podolski The Bora Milutinovic Overachievement in Coaching Award a. Ratomir Dujkovic (Ghana) b. Guus Hiddink (Australia/PSV Eindhoven) c. Jurgen Klinsmann (Germany) d. Koebi Kuhn (Switzerland) The Where Have You Gone, Joe DiMaggio?/A Nation Turns Its Lonely Eyes to You (Woo Woo Woo) Award a. Robert Pires b. Fernando Morientes c. Edgar Davids d. Zinedine Zidane Honorable Mentions: Clint Mathis, and that non-existent target man that everyone in England thinks Sven should have brought Least Fortunate Country Abbreviation a. S&M b. ARG c. GHA d. USA Page 1
2 Best Ronaldo Impression a. Ronaldo (Cristiano) b. Ronaldinho c. Robinho d. Ronaldo The Dunga Hard Man Midfield Award a. Torsten Frings b. Michael Essien c. Claude Makalele d. Gennaro Gattuso The Roberto Carlos Award for Most Overlaps a. Miguel b. Fabio Grosso c. Nuno Valente d. Gianluca Zambrotta Best Match of the Cup a. Trinidad v. Sweden (0-0) b. Australia v. Japan (3-1) c. Tunisia v. Saudi Arabia (2-2) d. France v. Brazil (1-0) Best Goal a. Bastian Schweinsteiger v. Portugal (56 ) b. Tomas Rosicky v. USA (36 ) c. Maxi Rodriguez v. Mexico (98 ) d. Tim Cahill v. Japan (85 to tie) Best Goal by a Defender a. Fabio Grosso v. Germany (119 ) b. Phillippe Senderos v. South Korea (23 ) c. Robert Alaya v. Germany (49 ) d. Cristian Zaccardo v. USA (27 ) Best US Striker a. Brian McBride b. Cristian Zaccardo The Roy Lassiter Award for Worst Miss of a Sitter a. Thierry Henry v. South Korea (85 ) slotting this would have given Zidane his only assist from open play the entire Cup, tying him with CAFU at a whopping 2. b. Atsushi Yanigasawa v. Croatia (51 ) tried a stylish finish with the outside of his foot, for which he clearly didn t have the skill. Blame this one on Zico s influence or maybe this is the price you pay for wanting to be Brazil. c. Luis Figo v. France (78 ) Barthez now owes him his first-born or a kidney d. Frank Ribery v. Togo (1 77 ) just pick one. e. Frank Lampard (World Cup 2006) Page 2
3 Stingiest Defense a. England b. France c. Portugal d. Fabio Cannavaro The Joe Theismann Gotta Be Bad Luck Just Seeing a Thing Like That Award a. Michael Owen b. Jan Koller c. Djibril Cisse d. Skippy* The Paraguay 02 Ugliest Uniform Award a. Paraguay b. Croatia c. Gianluigi Buffon s Keeper Jersey ( I didn t know Puma made V-neck cardigans. JDF) d. Angola ( I know U-8 teams that wouldn t wear that jersey. JDF Hey, at least they got the Jiffy Lube patch removed. AKF) Disqualified: Ecuador (All six of the jerseys they made their kit from were rather nice) Not the Group of Death a. Group C b. Group C c. Group C d. Group C Worst FIFA Awards a. Hernan Crespo: Silver Boot b. Portugal: Most Entertaining Team c. Zinedine Zidane: Golden Ball d. Francesco Totti: All-Star 23 selection e. Italy: World Champions Best Unfinished Thought Award a. This is great! We ve tied it up, I m dominating in the air, we ve really got em on their heels. So, I ll just win this header SMACK! (Brian McBride v. Italy) b. This is great! We made the final! So, I ll just CRASH! (Thierry Henry v. Italy) c. This is great! I actually got away with calling Zidane s mother a THUD! (Marco Materazzi v. France) d. This is great! We actually scored first! Now if we can just get through the next hour KER-RONALDO! (Keiji Tamada v. Brazil) Most Unpleasant-Sounding Occupation a. Schweinsteiger b. Metzelder c. Hitzlsperger d. Mertesacker Most Victimized By Curse from Paolo Maldini s Mom a. Alessandro Nesta b. Marco Materazzi c. Daniele De Rossi d. Raymond Domenech Page 3
4 British Invasion All-Stars a. Oliver Kahn (Brian Jones of the Rolling Stones) b. Fabricio Coloccini (Roger Daltrey of The Who) c. Edwin van der Sar (any of The Kinks) d. Graham Poll (Pete Best) Best Line from Rounders a. Hangink around, Hangink around. Team s got alligator blood. (South Korea v. France) b. You are officially never invited to our Cup again. (Portugal v. Everybody) c. Listen. Here s the thing: if you can t spot the sucker one match into the group phase, then you ARE the sucker. (USA v. Czech Republic) d. Just like a young man, coming in for a qvickie. I feel so un-sya-tis-fyed. (Serbia & Montenegro) e. JO: Hey, call me if you need a lawyer. MIKE: I will And I will. (Zinedine Zidane) Best Performance From Beyond the Grave a. Figo b. Lilian Thuram c. Pavel Nedved d. Oliver Kahn Best Facial Scarring a. Frank Ribery b. Torsten Frings c. Carlos Teves d. Daniele De Rossi Looney Tunes All-Stars a. Croatia (Like Wile E. Coyote, should probably just have given up entirely) b. Figo (as Pepe le Pew) c. Ghana (who thought that tunnel was just painted on until a train came speeding out) d. Carlos Teves (as The Tasmanian Devil) The Spain Memorial Underachievement Award a. Czech Republic b. Netherlands c. USA d. Poland Honorable Mention: Spain The Cameroon Memorial Award for African Overachievement Ghana The Nigeria Memorial Award for African Underachievement Cote d Ivoire The Paraguay Memorial Award for South American Overachievement Ecuador Page 4
5 Celebrity Category Best Performance by Somebody Who Was Actually IN Rounders: Michael Ballack (Matt Damon) Best Performance by Malcolm in the Middle Alumnus: Jens Lehmann (Brian Cranston) Most Alarming Resemblance to Donald Pleasance: Fabien Barthez Whose Card Is It Anyway?: Valentin Ivanov (Ryan Stiles) Best Performance by a Hobbit: Maniche Zinedine Zidane: Arjen Robben Uncontested Awards Mister Congeniality: Zinedine Zidane Worst Performance by a Player Named Landon Donovan: Landon Donovan Precision Diving Award: Portugal Announcer Most Likely to Firebomb Bruce Arena s House: Eric Wynalda Toughest-Looking Jersey: Australia Away (Turns black after five minutes) The Eric Tognetti Award for Best Game to Watch on Painkillers: Switzerland v. Ukraine Least-Inspired Brazilian Name: Fred Longest Keeper with the Shortest Arms: Paul Robinson Shortest Keeper with Longest Arms: Yoshikatsu Kawaguchi Shortest Keeper with the Shortest Arms: Fabien Barthez Single Biggest Setback to the Cause of Soccer in America: Marcelo Balboa s commentary Best Architectural Style: Deco Best Conk: Didier Drogba Best Match Report: US v. Italy, The Guardian Unlimited (UK) Full Time: Italy 1, USA 1 That s the end of one of the most surreal matches in World Cup history it was a talking dwarf and some gentle erotica away from being a David Lynch film. Best Joke that We Just Couldn t Seem to Come Up With: Toni Toni Toni Best Cup: Ricardo Carvalho * Jesse s friend Eric Tognetti, a co-rec player and referee in Seattle, WA, who conveniently blew his knee just in time to spend the Group Phase on his couch recovering from surgery. Best wishes for a speedy recovery, Skippy! This document available online at World Cup Logo 2002 FIFA Mr. Yuk symbol Childrens Hospital of Pittsburgh Page 5
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