Theme this week? Nerdy night! For inspiration and ideas, I ve included my high school yearbook picture.

Transcription

1

2 Okay, here is what is up with the fields last week. I showed up early (No shit, right?) with all the bases, etc. The wackyhatchee lady asks if I m from kickball, because the fields are closed. Uhsaywhat? Due to the drought, there is a watering restriction on the main fields. The fields that we played on last week are watered via irrigation from the ponds on site, not city water, like the main fields. Make sense? I ll do a flow chart later. Theme this week? Nerdy night! For inspiration and ideas, I ve included my high school yearbook picture. Now that we ve gotten that out of the way. Have a fun and safe game tonight!

3

4

5

6

7

8 Dear Kickballers, We're sorry.

9 Well, we lost the game. Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch. A ten foot tall, two ton son of a bitch who could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. And kick the ball almost all the way to the rec center entrance. I suppose that last one would be more impressive had we been playing at the normal field. But still, anyone who can make Craig bleed his own blood deserves some respect. Anyway, I got to the field on time and thankfully already dressed to play. Typically I like to get there early to get changed since I don t like to change at the office and my pre kickball public restroom experiences seem to always end with some pervert pressing his eye up against the crack in the stall door. Anyway, I also get to check myself out in the mirror, which is awesome because in the Irishgreen shirt and blue shorts I bear a striking resemblance to the Incredible Hulk, and repeating You won t like me when I m angry over and over again gets me pumped for the game. So the lesson there is that without that pre game Hulkification, I m not much use. Or maybe I should have just gotten a little stretching in. Whatever, I basically pulled every muscle I have trying to chase down a home run in the top of the first. I can t complain though, since Craig went through way more than I did on that play. How he didn t kill himself sliding on the cement is beyond me. How he didn t kill himself trying to kip up to get back in the play, also beyond me. Dude s head hit the pavement twice in about 2 seconds. It was an impressive attempt though. I couldn t kip up if I tried. I was actually not familiar with the term until about a minute and a half ago when I typed flip up from ground in Google and it brought me to a page on YouTube demonstrating the maneuver. Side note, if you ever Google Google, you ll come back with much better results than if you were to Bing Bing. So Bill Gates can take his decision engine and cram it. Anywho, my own survival of the pavement incident had me confident, so much in fact that I rolled my ankle on the very next play. No broken bones though proof that the calcium supplements are working. Fuck you very much, early onset osteoporosis. Also didn t keep me from driving in a run on a sac bunt my next time up. Some people would say that taking multiple pitches before a sac bunt is stupid, but I disagree. I don t get down on the first pitch. You need to work for it. Plus I need to prepare my sweet approach. Think placekicker in any football comedy that s ever been on TBS, that s pretty much me at the plate. Ass out, give it a little shimmy. Stop and watch the ball for a second. Yeah that about sums it up. That s ok though. Laugh all you want. Kicks and cones may break my bones.

10 Well Mike showed up in time to fill the gaping hole in left field and the game was much closer from the second inning on. I was much happier back in right field. I m not an ambi fielder. It s a problem I had since I was a baby. I can t field left. Anyway, we finished off 4 3, 4 2, 3 2, something like that. All I know is I drove in a run, scored a run, and allowed 3 in the outfield. Then it was off to the bar. Can I get an Amen for Ale Mary s? What a bar. It s refreshing to not be packed into a tiny ass back room or a crowded balcony, though I kinda miss the occasional accidental feel ups I used to give and/or receive at some of our former places of refreshment. Yeah, it s far away. Perhaps we could petition Lee County for a fly over, they seem to be handing them out these days. There s also that getting old feeling of being there at 10:30 11:00 when the college guys and high school girls with fake IDs start showing up. But chances are if you re really that old you re probably out of there before 10:30. So anyway I left at about 10:15 and that concludes my post game report. Next week we play We ve Got The Runs, a game which according to the schedule is going to be reffed by Oops! I Blacked My Pants a match made in kickball heaven. Yeah, so that s all I got. Covered the game, the bar, and next week, used references to multiple Ben Stiller movies and talked a whole lot about me. Now I just need to save it in Word with some incredibly anal naming convention, and mission accomplished. Write up: done.

11 Editors note Normally this write up is done via ipod touch, which I have to assume causes sever carpal tunnel problems. However, I was informed that a regular computer, with keyboard, was used for this write up. This is the unmolested write up that was submitted. GIMME THAT BECKY Pink was out in full force ready to take on Regulators who ousted us in the 1st round of the playoffs. Most of the players on our team and every player on Adams team are competitive. It wouldn't take for SBD to adjust to a field that resembles the new Yankee Stadium, meaning everyone should get a homerun, but our score would not reflect it. No longer honest Mike was thrown out by the hair on his chinny chin chin although most of us did not hear the contact. KIM on regulators is a certified dog whisperer and said to have the same hearing abilities as canines so she stuck to her ground. This all meant nothing as Kelly called QUACK aka Not Honest Michael anymore for being out of the base path. Inning over. There is much more to report until the 5th inning. Side note- We do not use real bases like in baseball and standing directly on the plate vs a piece of it will leave you open for contact. Bethany running from 1st base to 2nd politely said to Becky as she headed to 2nd. Excuse me can you please move out of the way and was called out by contact prior to touching the base(instant replay is rumored next season sponsored by the Thompson Agency). Following a minor collision and a few comments from that play, Dan took 3 steps heading from 1st to 2nd base and began his slide from about the pitchers mark into 2nd Base slidding into Becky. This caused an uproar however the go-ahead was approved by the referreees. GIMME THAT BECKY was not happy, neither was her and neither was RAYMOND CUESTA III as he came sliding into the pile but was short since Adam drilled him. Both teams had comments from the sidelines, yes it just a game so don't take the comments personally. It was a very close competitive game, and we are not happy from winning by a walk. Dustin said he thought there was only 2 balls at that moment.

12 People often ask: Oops! I Blacked My Pants/Black Team/Dunder Mifflin - why are you so incredibly successful? Is it because your whole team is so darn good -looking? (Good guess, but no) Because you have so many amazing athletes? (Aahahaha) Because you can party like Charlie Sheen, kick balls like Adam Vinatieri and eat hot dogs like Takeru Kobayashi? (Well, you're getting warmer). Yes, I know - winning seven of the league's eight championships is mindblowingly impressive. Especially considering the lone year we lost we did not field a team in the playoffs, and that for the past three seasons, we've honestly not been trying all that hard. Not as hard as we used to, at least. The secret to our success? Not to sound like a narcissistic a-hole (although, who am I really kidding with that setup?) - But it's Me. OK, not Me per se. But our captains and leaders in general are outstanding. Despite our self-proclaimed a-hole status, we're actually pretty nice to hang out with. I know this, because I hang out with these people often. Most of them by choice, outside of kickball. And if you want a team that collectively knows this game better - good luck finding one. I'm not saying we're the best or fastest kickball players anymore, but if you want someone to explain the strike zone, or the lacking infield-fly rule, or where to kick the ball when you're trailing 4-2 with one out in the top of the fourth with runners on first and third and you're at the bottom of the lineup - then ask a Black person. Want to build a lineup that plays to your team's strengths while minimizing weaknesses? Ask a Black person. Want to know a great recipe for Filipino barbecue? Ask a Black Person. So, we're 2-0. Not because we're physically awesome or gloriously good looking, but because we know what the shit we're doing out there. And because our newbies respect that. And if anyone wants to challenge us to a hotdog eating competition, please contact Erik "I Suck Down Weiners" Schaum for more info. FUN BLACK NUMBER OF THE WEEK 156, number of $ the Boston Bruins racked up on a bar tab at Foxwoods Casino after winning the Stanley Cup. It included 136 Bud Lights, 35 Jager Bombs, three $300 bottle of Captain Morgan and a $100, liter bottle of Ace Midas champagne. And you thought you partied hard.

13

14

15