THEWEEKLYBREW. The Life of a Lush. The Official Weekly Magazine of NAKID. DC United Tailgate and Field Day! What kind of dancer are you?

Transcription

1 The Official Weekly Magazine of NAKID The Life of a Lush THEWEEKLYBREW Thursday Week 6 What kind of dancer are you? UT $4.50 ET $ DC United Tailgate and Field Day!

2 A tame night with spurts of craziness Another fairly tame week from Drinking Day. You re not living up to your name! We have few shenanigans to report this week, with the possible exception of the team Tap Dance done by Sex Cymbal. That s solidarity! Although, one teammate was heard saying No, I didn t do a tap dance. I m just drunk! At MBP there was a ton of bar dancing starting early on. Just a reminder: only girls are allowed on the bar. No one...no one wants to see the dudes. This week you ll meet the next in the Day in the Life series: The Lush. I m sure everyone will have someone in mind as they read it. We ve also included a recently-published study (i.e., published here) of NAKID dancers and how one can recognize them in the wild. Don t forget about MBP s FREE open bar they re offering to NAKIDs all summer long! Head to Meetup to RSVP for the DC United Tailgate and Field Day event. Beer, food, soccer, fun elementaryschool-style games that involve (surprisingly) beer how can you resist? And of course, register for the summer 2010 season! NAKID - Thursday May 27,

3 ASKNAKID? Each week we will provide the answers to your most burning questions. Best one of the week wins a free pitcher of beer. Please send questions to weeklybrew@gmail.com. If I quit smoking, how? long will it take my lungs to recover? Good news, Smokey! If you go cold turkey today, those blackened air bags you call lungs will recover faster than your grandfather after a Viagra smoothie. Within a few weeks of quitting, your sinus congestion improves, the body better handles infection, and levels of poisonous carbon monoxide start to normalize, says Robert Ashton, M.D., chief of thoracic surgery at the Hackensack University Medical Center. Go a whole year without sucking down your precious cancer sticks and there s a substantially decreased chance of cardiovascular disease. Ten years without a puff and your chances of dying from lung cancer are cut in half. The only drawback to quitting? Without a creepy voice box or gangrenous limbs, your dream of acting in depressing antismoking PSAs is kaput. What s the highest blood? alcohol content ever recorded? Legally, you can t get behind the wheel in most states with a blood alcohol content over.08 (more than four drinks in an hour on an empty stomach for the average dude). And at a.45 BAC, even John Daly has a decent shot at dying. So in 2004 when a man in Plovdiv blew a.914, Bulgarian police assumed their equipment wasn t working, since the 67-year-old wasn t dead (indeed, he was talking to them). Five tests later the result was determined accurate, proving that if you dream it, you can achieve it, Desmond! Why are some people? able to open the hatch and pound a beer and others can t? Why is it only a modest percentage of us (generally the ones with tribal tattoos) are able to sincerely drain one? There are no magic tricks to chugging, asserts Virginia-based internal medicine specialist James T. Reed, M.D. It s just a matter of relaxing the larynx and letting the fluids flow. The speed record for beer consumption in the 1991 Guinness Book of World Records (drinking records were removed after 91) was set by Pennsylvania s Steve Petrosino in 1977 with 33 ounces in 1.3 seconds. It must have been a proud 14 years for that guy, if he managed to survive them. NAKID - Thursday May 27,

4 NAKIDEVENTS Week 7 SUN MON TUE WED THU FRI SAT Week 7 Week 7 Week 7 NO SUNDAY GAMES!! Week Memorial Day! Week 8 Week 8 Week 8 DC United Tailgate and Field Day! Kegs, hamburgers, soccer, and beer sports! Week 9 Week 9 Week 9 USA v England World Cup Watching! Week 10 Beer Spelling Bee! Week 10 Week 10 Week10 NEW NAKID Hotline Number! The NAKID Hotline has a new number: Call this new number to find out if games are still on or where our fields are! NAKID - Thursday May 27,

5 Congrats Chris and Lee! This season LOTWs not only get the NAKID Lush bandana to proudly wear during games, at the bar, or whenever else they want, they also win two passes on the Boomerang Bus! Disappointed you didn t get a Boomerang pass? Well, every NAKID gets 20 percent off any Boomerang Bus trip. You will need the promo code, so please contact the Weekly Brew at weeklybrew@gmail.com for that. Check out the Boomerang and its trips at Please don t get alcohol poisoning trying to win LOTW. The Brewers would like to encourage you to drink responsibly! Chris W, Sex Cymbal Doing a tap dance in two hours after his game was enough to get him started, but of course there was beer after that. The Brewer s favorite part was when she asked Chris if he was ok, and he took a long pause in which he seemed to sleep with his eyes open, then suddenly snapped back in and said he was fine. For a great performance, he gets LOTW! Lee, Sex Cymbal Joining his teammate is Lee, who also did the tap dance in two hours, but was that enough for this LOTW? Of course not! He took on resident Flip Cup champ Alena in one-on-one flip cup and lost horribly despite her behind-the-back and under-the-leg flipping. After that it was a night of vacant stares as he tried to orient himself to his surroundings. For a second time this season, congrats Lee! NAKID - Thursday May 27,

6 The Weekly Brew Announcing FREE Open Bar Spring Week 6 and 80s Night for NAKIDs! Oh yes, you read that right. My Brother s Place is offering an incredible deal for all NAKIDs: Every Friday night from 9 10pm MBP will have an OPEN BAR that is FREE FOR NAKIDs! Included in the open bar are all light beers and rail drinks. But you may ask yourself, What do I do at 10pm? Don t fret after 10pm Coors Light pitchers are only $5! Yes, 5 measly bucks! Just bring your current NAKID shirt to the bar to get this deal! While you re taking advantage of this incredible deal, the DJ will be spinning 80s hits for you all night! NAKIDs who have experienced this already would love to tell you how awesome it is if they could remember it! We ll take that as a sign that it s a great time! NAKID - Thursday May 27,

7 NAKID Dancers: A Study The dominance of post-kickball flip cup has been well documented over the years along with its terms and prizes ( One Flip bandanas). However, little scholarly work has been done concerning the subset of kickball dancing. Every season, certain brave kickballers break off from the tables and head to the fertile breeding grounds of My Brother s Place s dance floor. Here are the five types of dancers that can be observed there. THE HITCH PATIENT Rhythm Absentia. This poor fellow, whether compelled by booze or attractive dance partners, attempts to join his fellow kickballers on the floor though he knows he possesses no dancing abilities. The Lawnmower, Running Man, and Sprinkler are often his go-to moves before slinking into awkward moppishness. Fortunately, one viewing of Will Smith s Hitch can solve most of his problems - This is where you live. Elbows six inches from the waist, ninety degree angle. Natural Enemies: Remixes. JABBAWOCKEE Attentionum Whorus. The JabbaWockee is a talented dancer, known for peacocking his expert pop and lock moves on the floor and serving unsuspecting passersby. He is often formally trained, or self taught, or Wil Danilczyk. The sad paradox (Jabbawox) of the JabbaWockee is that he craves to dance more than any other species, and yet his moves often intimidate potential partners, leaving him a beautiful, lonely spectacle. Habitat: In the middle of a circle of friends, lonely and off in the corner. By Graham Currin POLESMOKER Epidermis Exposus. The most alluring of the female dancers, the Polesmoker is often found swinging and gyrating around the bar poles at MBP without so much as a single dollar s encouragement. The Polesmoker is named for its proximity to poles and smoking hotness. Any other connotations of the name are purely coincidental. The most dominate Polesmokers are on a first-name basis with the DJ and belong to Gym Class Zeroes, Rhymes with Bunt, and TFL. Natural Enemies: Doucheapotamii (see below), Jager Bombs, daddy issues, clothing. GIRAFFE Oggler Gluteus. The Giraffe prefers the higher ground of the benches which provide lush views of native Polesmokers. From on high, the Giraffes can sway and leisurely drink above the crush of the floor, as well as spy the perfect dance partner to pounce upon. Habitat: On top of a booth seat at MBP or on top of a Polesmoker. DOUCHEAPOTOMUS Debaggum Majoram. Unlike the Giraffe, the Doucheapotamus is known for the uncultured tactic of joining Polesmokers on top of the bar. The Doucheapotomus attempts to dance on the bar and is quickly rebuffed by all, often leading him to call the place lame and leave. Natural Enemies: MBP bouncers, unpopped collars, life. Graham is a DC comic. You can click here for information about his upcoming shows. NAKID - Thursday May 27,

8 DC United Tailgate and Field Day! Saturday, June 5: Okay, NAKIDs, here s one of the BIG NAKID events this Spring season that you absolutely don t want to miss. As if a massive tailgate with a bunch of NAKIDs weren t enough, we ll also be hosting NAKID Field Day! So hearken back to your grade school days and bring your best A-game out to compete in events like water balloon tosses, three-legged races, ladder golf, corn hole, and more! Starting at 3pm, we ll have many kegs of FREE beer to all NAKIDs, FREE hot dogs and burgers on the grill, flip cup, beer pong, drunk ball, and, of course, beer-in-hand kickball. party until the parking lot closes! At 7pm, we ll lead the entire tailgate in a beer drinking contest as we gather everyone together to march to the RFK Stadium. Finally, at 10pm, we ll head back out to our tailgate and finish our beer (if any was left) and continue the All of this (a crazy good tailgate with free beer, DC United ticket, and postgame fun) is just $28, but you have to sign up ASAP. We re very limited on tickets and this is one of the absolute best events that NAKID does. Details on how to find us, directions to Lot 7 (the party), and everything else will be ed via Meetup to all people that RSVP YES. The will be sent at 10pm the Thursday before the tailgate. NAKID - Thursday May 27,

9 Mike Lacy s Kickball Ramblings A Day in the Life of the Lush This is the second in a 7:45 AM She series of looks at a Day in wonders what that the Life of a NAKID. While horribly loud sound the subjects might be is that is disturbing fictional stereotypes, I m her slumber. After sure you might recognize a few seconds, she them anyway. realizes that it is her alarm clock, and This week s subject is the she has to wake Lush. up for work. She hits snooze and is returned to wonderful, peaceful silence. 7:54 Alarm goes off again, and she tries to figure out why she feels so hungover on a Thursday. Alarm is distracting her thought process so she hits snooze again. 8:03 Alarm sounds again, and she realizes that at some point she will have to wake up. Details of the night before come into focus. She had said that she would go to the NAKID happy hour for only a little bit. And then, the shots started. 8:20 Finally gets out of bed. She is tempted to call in sick, but she had a hangover sick day a couple of weeks ago, and she swore she wouldn t do that again. She makes a vow not to drink so much tonight. It s Thursday, and her team has a game, but she ll only drink when playing flip cup, and MAYBE one other drink. 8:24 - She hopes that a shower will clear her head. It helps, but not nearly enough. 9:10 Makes it into work ten minutes late. She tries to avoid eye contact with everyone and hopes that she can just have a quiet day. 9:15 Her hopes are squashed as her boss comes over to talk to her. Apparently, there s some urgent work that s got to get done today. She suppresses the urge to both cry and vomit. 10:35 People keep asking her questions. She can barely answer them. More than one person asks her if she s feeling okay. 11:45 Tries to sneak out to lunch a little early, but her boss sees her and comes over for an update on the project. Her boss will NOT stop talking. 12:05 Finally, her boss leaves and she can go to lunch. The nausea has mostly passed so she shovels food into her mouth and then goes to her car to try and nap for half an hour. 12:15 Learns that napping in the car is really uncomfortable. 12:25 Gives up and goes to Starbucks instead. She alternates between slow sips of latte and resting her head on the table. 2:24 She realizes that this is the longest work day EVER. Her stupid boss won t stop coming over and talking to her. Why won t she just go away and let her coast through the day? 3:20 Goes to the bathroom so that she can get a break. Closes her eyes in an attempt to take a nap, but fails to do so. NAKID - Thursday May 27,

10 4:12 She can t believe that this day isn t over yet. This stupid project is completed, but now her manager won t stop talking about it. Nobody cares! Just shut up! 4:52 She can t take anymore. She leaves the office early, not caring if her boss sees her or not. 5:25 Tries to fit in brief power nap before it s time to go to kickball. 6:55 Wakes up and realizes that she overslept. Gets ready and heads down to the field. 7:39 Arrives in the 5th inning. The captain looks unpleasantly surprised to find that he has to put her into the lineup. She pops up in her only time to kick. 8:02 Arrives at the bar, and buys her first pitcher from the bar. She figures that nothing will eliminate the lingering symptoms of a hangover like some beer! And besides, it would be rude not to buy any beer for the team. 8:08 Realizing that it would be a bad idea to drink on an empty stomach, she orders tater tots. 8:37 Her team is heading to play flip cup. She worries that her team might not have enough beer to play so she buys another pitcher. 8:59 A tray of free Jell-O shots goes by. She was going to pass them up, but really, who can pass up free Jell-O shots? She takes two. 9:18 That shots song comes on, so one of her teammates decides to buy some shots. She was going to decline, but someone hands her one, and she doesn t want to be excluded. Ugh, why does Jager taste so nasty? 9:47 - She isn t quite sure whose beer she s drinking, but it is cold and delicious, so she will continue to drink it. Her flip cup play has begun to decline. This doesn t prevent her from continuing to play and from talking trash to her opponents. 10:29 Some of her friends realize that she might need to leave the bar soon. Speech is slurred, and she s wavering between being super friendly to everyone and threatening to claw their eyes out. 10:43 As she hangs off of some guy that she just met, her friends decide that she definitely needs to leave. They argue about how she is getting home. 10:46 One of her friends reluctantly drives her home. The friend tells her that if she throws up in the car, she s buying her a new one. 11:17 They arrive outside her apartment where she empties the contents of her stomach onto the sidewalk. She declares that she feels much better now. 11:20 The friend manages to drag her inside her apartment and dump her into bed. She slurs a drunken I love you! to her friend who storms away. 3:15 am She wakes up needing to pee. She isn t quite sure how she wound up at home, but doesn t worry too much about it. After staggering to the bathroom, in a surprising moment of clarity, she actually turns her alarm on. She silently congratulates herself for being so thoughtful and then passes back out into bed. 7:45 am- She wonders what that horribly loud sound is that is disturbing her slumber. After a few seconds, she realizes that it is her alarm clock, and she has to wake up for work. She hits snooze and is returned to wonderful, peaceful silence. Random Piece of Advice: If your car skids, turn your steering wheel in the direction of the skid. Power Rankings: Josie C, Zelia F, Tom C, Bryce M, Dayle K Link that may (or may not) be porn: tinyurl.com/2el3w8o NAKID - Thursday May 27,

11 FiveQs Jim, Sex Cymbal Jim 1. What do you love about NAKID? Dave Whalen. 2. Word association Hot: sun; Soft: hard; Textile Mill: hot young chicks 3. Spit or swallow? I prefer she swallows, unless she likes it all over her face 4. How big is too big? No such thing 5. Cup size? Big tits Brew Whore! Mike FiveQs Mike, Spearmint Platypus 1. What do you love about NAKID? Here I m not socially awkward, I m socially awesome 2. Word association Hot: caliente; Soft: and wet; Textile Mill: industrial revolution 3. Spit or swallow? Swallow 4. How big is too big? Fuck you, Tatis 5. Cup size? As big as you got, baby NAKID - Thursday May 27,

12 Game RECAPS Another week of great kickball weather! How d you do?: Steve s Wolf Pack beat Shake N Bake in a close one, 6 4. In Balls We Trust took down Balls and Dolls, 8 4, and Gym Class Zeroes proved they have some skills, winning 6 2 over Sons of Pitches. Where My Pitches At? beat Off on the Mall (it never gets old!), 9 6, while Cerebral Ballzy beat down Skinny Pitches, Once You Go Black You Never Go Back beat Kick in a Box, 9 3. In the late games, Balls Deep eked by We Beat Parker Lewis, 3 2, and The Ball Kickers defeated Y all Ready For This in a high scoring game. Spitzer Swallows fell to Barely Legal, 7 1, and Jerry Curl and the Activators beat up One Man Wolf Pack, 8 2. Belgian Quaffles shut out Sex Cymbal, 6 0, and We Got the Runs got just a few on Rhymes with Bunt, winning 8 6. Here s next week s schedule: Early Thursday Cerebral Ballzy v. Kick In a Box I Kicked A Ball and I Liked It v. Gym Class Zeros Once You Go Black You Never Go Back v. Where my Pitches At? Balls and Dolls v. Steves Wolf Pack Lookin to Score v. Off On the Mall Skinny Pitches v. Challenge Accepted! Referees: In Balls We Trust & Shake N Bake Referees: Sons of Pitches Late Thursday We Beat Parker Lewis v. Barely Legal Sex Cymbal v. We Got the Runs TFL v. Balls Deep Jerry Curl and the Activators v. Gym. Tan. Laundry. Spitzer Swallows v. The Ball Kickers Spearmint Platypus v. Yall Ready for This? (That Team) Referees: One Man Wolf Pack & Rhymes With Bunt Referees: Belgian Quaffles Summer 2010 registration is open! The season runs late July through early October. We ll be offering kickball on: * Early Sundays (2pm) * Late Sundays (3pm) * Tuesdays (6:30pm) * Wednesdays (6:30pm) * Thursdays (6:30pm) You can join for as little as $45 per player, per team. Returning players get $5 off! Head over to the NAKID website to sign up! NAKID - Thursday May 27,

13 The Weekly Brew Spring Week 6 don t know what I ve done! 16. Off On the Mall Off with their heads! 17. Sons of Pitches Sons of bitches! 18. The Ball Kickers Dude...not cool. 19. Gym Class Zeroes I have no opinion on this matter. 20. Balls and Dolls They ve been around a while, but I have no idea who they are. 21. Spearmint Platypus Mentos fresh and full of life! 22. Barely Legal Ewww. 23. Steve s Wolf Pack You really that great, Steve? 24. Belgian Quaffles I m thinking dirty and delicious thoughts now. 25. I Kicked A Ball and I Liked It God I hate that song. 26. One Man Wolf Pack OWOOOOO. 27. TFL What? That s purple (unintelligible). 28. Sex Cymbal What are you looking at? 29. Challenge Accepted! F*&k YOU! 30. Skinny Pitches (and the 8-Ball passed out) Oh Magic 8-Ball, do you ever use your powers for good instead of evil? Magic 8-Ball says: Why should I? No one else does. Good point, 8-Ball. This week the 8-Ball hit the bottle a little hard before doing the rankings, so we re in for something special: 1. Yall Ready for This? Buh na na beh beh beh buh buh na na beh beh beh beh de neh neh. 2. We Beat Parker Lewis Synchronize Swatches! His hair is a lot like Conan s is now. 3. Shake N Bake But you like Shake n Bake. You used to put it in your coffee. 4. In Balls We Trust They re the only things you can count on in this life 5. Balls Deep Haha, balls. 6. We Got the Runs Poop is funny. 7. Rhymes With Bunt Heh heh heh...bunt. 8. Jerry Curl and the Activators Coming to America was a funny movie 9. Spitzer Swallows Which is it, baby? 10. Cerebral Ballzy Mildly offensive. I like it. 11. Where my Pitches At? Yeah, bitches! 12. Gym. Tan. Laundry. At least they re hot and have clean clothes. 13. Lookin to Score Aren t we all? 14. Kick In a Box That was a funny video. 15. Once You Go Black You Never Go Back You NAKID - Thursday May 27,