Dead as They Come. The Iowa Review. Ian McEwan. Volume 8 Issue 4 Fall. Article 21

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1 The ow Review Volume 8 ssue 4 Fll Article Ded s They Come n McEwn Follow this nd dditionl works t: Prt Cretive Writg Commons Recommended Cittion McEwn, n. "Ded s They Come." The ow Review 8.4 (1977): Web. Avilble t: This Contents is brought you for free nd open ccess ow Reserch Onle. t hs been ccepted for clusion The ow Review n uthorized dmistrr ow Reserch Onle. For more formtion, plese contct lib-ir@uiow.edu.

2 FCTON / AN McEWAN Ded s They Come do not cre for posturg women. But she struck me. hd sp nd look t her. The legs were well prt, right foot boldly dvnced, left trilg with studied csulness. She held her right hnd before her, l most uchg wdow, fgers thrustg up like beutiful flower. The left hnd she held little behd her nd seemed push down plyful lpdogs. Hed well bck, ft smile, eyes hlf-closed with boredom or plesure. could not tell. Very rtificil whole thg, but n m not mn. simple She ws beutiful womn. sw her most dys, sometimes two or three times. And course she struck or s postures mood ok her. Sometimes s hurried ( m mn hurry) llowed my self quick glnce nd she seemed beckon me, welcome me out cold. Or dys remember seeg her tht tired, dejected pssivity which fools mistke for femity. begn tke notice clos she wore. She ws fshionble wo mn, nturlly. n sense it ws her job. But she hd none sexless, mcg stiffness those brely nimted clos-hngers who disply hute couture stuffy slons sound execrble muzk. No, she ws nor clss beg. She did not exist merely present style, current mode. She ws bove tht, she ws beyond tht. Her clos were pe ripherl her beuty. She would hve looked good dressed old pper bgs. She disded her clos, she discrded m every dy for ors. Her beuty shone those clos... nd were yet y beutiful clos. t ws utumn. She wore cpes russet deep browns, or twirlg pesnt skirts ornge nd green, or hrsh trouser suits burnt ochre. t ws sprg. She wore skirts pssion-fruit gghm, white clico shirts or lvish dresses cerulen green nd blue. Yes, noticed her clos, for she under sod, s only gret portrit pters eighteenth century under sod, sumptuous possibilities fbric, subtleties folds, nu nce crese nd hem. Her body its ripplg chnges posture, dpt ed itself unique demnds ech cretion; with brethless grce les her perfect body plyed tender counterpot with r shiftg besques srril rtifice. But digress. bore you with lyricism. The cme dys nd pssed. sw her this dy nd not tht, nd perhps twice on nor dy. mperceptibly seeg her nd not seeg her becme fcr my life, nd n before 71 University ow is collbortg with JSTOR digitize, preserve, nd extend ccess The ow Review

3 knew it, it pssed from fcr structure. Would see her dy? Would ll my hours nd mutes be redeemed? Would she look t me? Did she remember me from one time nor? Ws re future for us ger... would ever hve courge? Courge! Wht did ll my millions men now, wht now my wisdom mtured rvges three mr riges? loved her... wished possess her. And possess her it seemed would hve buy her. must tell you somethg bout myself. m welthy. Possibly re re ten men resident London with more money thn. Probbly re re only five or six. Who cres? m rich nd mde my money on telephone. shll be forty-five on Christms Dy. hve been mrried three times, ech mrrige lstg, chronologicl order, eight, five, nd two yers. Ech mrrige ws better thn one before if for no or reson thn tht it ws shorter. But se lst three yers hve not been mrried nd yet hve not been idle. hve not pused. A mn forty-four hs no time puse. m mn hurry. Ech throb jism from seml ves icles, or wherever it origtes, lessens tl llownce my lifespn one. hve no time sty with womn, listen her sry, know her soul, grow dependent nd sluggish. hve no time for nlysis, self serchg frenzied reltionships, unspoken ccustion, silent de fence. do not wish be with women who hve n urge tlk when we've fished our couplg. wnt lie still pece nd clrity. Then wnt put my shoes nd socks on nd comb my hir nd go bout my busess. prefer silent women who tke ir plesure with pprent difference. All dy long re re voices round me, on telephone, t lunches, t busess conferences. do not wnt voices my bed. m not simple mn, repet, nd this is not simple world. But this respect t lest my requisites re simple, perhps even fcile. My predilection is for biologicl fuck, plesure unmitigted yppgs nd wngs soul. Or rr it ws, for tht ws ll before... before loved her, before knew sickeng eltion tl self-destruction for mengless cuse. Wht do, now, forty-five on Christms Dy, cre for meng? Most dys pssed her shop nd looked t her. Those erly dys when ws glnce sufficient nd hurried on meet this busess friend or tht lover... cn pick out no time when knew myself be love. hve described how fcr my life becme structure, it merged s ornge red r bow. Once ws mn hurryg shop wdow nd glncg crelessly. Then ws mn love with... simply, ws mn love. t hp over pened mny months. begn lger wdow. The ors... or women shop wdow ment disply me. Wher ever my Helen sod could pick her out t were mere glnce. They 72

4 dummies (oh my love) beneth contempt. Life ws generted her sheer chrge her beuty. The delicte mould her eyebrow, perfect le her nose, smile, eyes hlf-closed with boredom or plesure (how could tell?). For long time ws content look t her glss, hppy be with few feet her. n my mdness wrote her letters, yes, even did tht nd still hve m. clled her Helen ('Der Helen, give me sign. know you know' etc.). But soon loved her com pletely nd wished possess her, own her, bsorb her, et her. wnted her my rms nd my bed, longed tht she should open her legs me. could not rest till ws between her ple thighs, till my ngue hd prised those lips. knew tht soon would hve enter shop nd sk buy her. Simple, her you sy. You're rich mn. You could buy shop if you wnted. You could buy street. Of course could buy street, nd mny or streets o. But listen. This ws no mere busess trnsction. ws not bout cquire site for redevelopment. n busess you mke fers, you tke risks. But this mtter could not risk filure, for wnted my Helen, needed my Helen. My pround fer ws tht my des pertion would give me wy. could not be sure tht negotitg sle could keep stedy hnd. f blurted out o high price shop mnger would wnt know why. f it ws vluble me, why n, he would nturlly conclude (for ws he not busess mn o) it must be vluble someone else. Helen hd been tht shop mny months. Per hps, nd this thought begn rment my every wkg mute, y would tke her wy nd destroy her. knew must ct soon nd ws frid. chose Mondy, quiet dy ny shop. ws not sure wher quiet ness ws on my side. could hve hd Sturdy, busy dy, but n, quiet dy busy dy my decisions countered ech or like prllel mirrors. hd lost mny hours sleep, ws rude my friends, virtully impotent with my lovers, my busess skills were begng deteriorte, hd choose nd chose Mondy. t ws Ocber, rg fe, bitter drizzle. dismissed my chuffeur for dy nd drove shop. Shll slvishly follow foolish conventions nd describe it you, first home my tender Helen? do not cre. relly t ws lrge shop, sre, sre deprtment nd it delt seriously nd solely clos nd re lted items for women. t hd movg stircses nd muffled ir bore dom. Enough. hd pln. wlked. How mny detils this negotition must be set down before tht mo ment when held my precious my rms? A few nd quickly. spoke n ssistnt. She consulted with nor. They fetched third, nd third sent fourth for fifth who turned out be under-mngeress chrge 73

5 wdow design. They clustered round me like quisitive children, sens g my welth nd power but not my nxiety. wrned m ll hd strnge request nd y shifted unesily from one foot or nd voided my eye. ddressed se five women urgently. wnted buy one cots displyed wdow disply, ld m. t ws for my wife, ld m, nd lso wnted boots nd scrf tht went with cot. t ws my wife's birthdy, sid. wnted dummy (h my Helen) on which se clos were displyed order show f clos ir best dvntge. confided m my little birthdy trick. My wife would open bedroom door lured re some trivil domestic mtter vented myself, nd re would stnd... could not see y it? recreted scene vividly for m. wtched m closely. brought m on. They lived thrill birthdy surprise. They smiled, y t glnced ech or. They risked glncg my eyes. Wht kd husbnd ws this! They becme, ech one, my wife. And course ws willg py little extr... but no, under-mngeress would not her it. Plese ccept it with compliments shop. The under-mnger ess led me wrds wdow disply. She led, nd followed blood-red mist. Perspirtion dribbled from plms my hnds. My elo quence hd dred wy, my ngue glued my teeth nd ll could do ws feebly lift my hnd direction Helen. Tht one,' whispered. Once ws mn hurryg shop wdow nd glncg crelessly... n ws mn love, mn crryg his love his rms r witg cr. True, y hd fered shop fold nd pck clos sve m from cresg. But show me mn who will crry his true love nked streets n Ocber r. How blbbered with s joy bore Helen streets. And how she hung close me, clgg tightly my lpels like newborn monkey. Oh, my sweetness. Gently lid her cross bck set my cr nd gently drove her home. At home hd everythg prepred. knew she would wnt rest s soon s we cme. brought her bedroom, removed her boots nd settled her down between crisp white bed len. kissed her on stly cheek nd before my eyes she fell deep slumber. For couple hours busied myself librry, ctchg up on importnt busess. felt serene now, ws illumted stedy ner glow. ws cpble tense concentrtion. tiped bedroom where she ly. n sleep her fetures dissolved n expression gret tenderness nd under stndg. Her lips were slightly prt. knelt down nd kissed m. Bck librry st front log fire with glss port my hnd. reflected on my life, my mrriges, my recent despertion. All unhppi ness pst seemed now hve been necessry mke present pos 74

6 sible. hd my Helen now. She ly sleepg my bed, my house. She cred for no one else. She ws me. Ten o'clock cme nd slipped bed beside her. did it quietly, but knew she ws wke. t is now uchg recll tht we did not immed itely mke love. No, we ly side side (how wrm she ws) nd we tlked. ld her time hd first seen her, how my love for her hd grown nd how hd schemed secure her relese from shop. ld her my three mrriges, my busess nd my love ffirs. ws determed no secrets keep from her. ld her thgs hd been thkg bout s st front fire with my glss port. spoke future, our future ger. ld her loved her, yes thk ld her tht mny times. She listened with quiet tensity ws lern respect her. She stroked my hnd, she gzed wondergly my eyes. undressed her. Poor girl. She hd no clos on under her cot, she hd world but me. drew her close me, her nked body gst me, nd s did so sw her wide-eyed look fer... she ws virg. murmured her er. ssured her my gentleness, my expertise, my control. Between her thighs cressed with my ngue fetid wrmth her virg lust. ok her hnd nd set her plt fgers bout my throb bg member (oh her cool hnds). 'Do not be frid,' whispered, 'do not be frid.' slid her esily, quietly like gt ship night berth. The quick flme p sw her eyes ws snuffed long gile fgers plesure. hve never known such plesure, such tl ccord... lmost tl, for must confess now re ws shdow could not dispel. She hd been now virg, she ws demndg lover. She demnded or gsm could not give her, she would not let me go, she would not permit me rest. On nd on night, she forever on teeterg edge tht cliff, relese tht most gentle deth... but did, nd did everythg, gve everythg, could brg her it. At lst, it must hve been five o'clock morng, broke wy from her, delirious with ftigue, nguished nd hurt my filure. Once we g ly side side, nd this time felt her silence rticulte rebuke. Hd not brought her from shop where she hd lived reltive pece, hd not brought her this bed nd bosted her my expertise? ok her hnd. t ws stiff nd unfriendly. t cme me pnic-filled moment tht Helen might leve me. t ws fer tht ws return much lter. There ws sp her. She hd no money, no virtully skills. No clos. But she could leve me ll sme. There were or men. She could go bck nd work shop. 'Helen,' sid urgently. 'Helen...' She ly perfectly still, seem g hold her breth. t will come, you see, it will come,' nd with tht ws side her g, movg slowly, imperceptibly, brgg her with me every step wy. t ok n hour slow ccelertion, nd s grey 75

7 Ocber dwn pierced broodg London clouds she died, she cme, she left this sublunry world... her first orgsm. Her limbs went rigid, her eyes stred nowhere nd ner deep spsm swept her like n ocen wve. Then she slept my rms. woke lte followg morng. Helen still cross ly my rm but mnged out slip bed without wkg her. on re put prticulrly splendent dressg-gown, present from my second wife (who is now, let me dd, Leder Opposition), nd went kitchen mke my self cfee. felt myself be different mn. looked t objects round me, Utrillo on kitchen wll, fmous forgery Rod sttuette, yesterdy's newsppers. They rdited origlity, unfmilirity. wnted uch thgs. rn my hnds over gr kitchen tble p. ok delight pourg my bens grder nd tkg from cn fridge ornge juice. ws love with world, for hd found my mte. loved Helen nd knew perfect myself be loved. felt free. red morng pper t gret speed nd lter sme dy could still remember nmes misters nd countries foreign y represented. dictted hlf dozen letters over phone, shved, showered, nd dressed. When looked on Helen she ws still sleep, exhusted Even when she woke she would not wnt plesure. get up till she hd some clos wer. hd my chuffeur drive me West End nd spent fternoon re buyg clos. t would be crude me mention how much spent, but let me sy tht few men ern s much yer. However, did not buy her br. hve lwys despised m s objects, nd yet only student girls nd New Gue ntives seem do without m. Furrmore my Helen did not like m eir, which ws fortunte. She ws wke when returned. hd my chuffeur crry prcels room dg nd n dismissed him. myself crried prcels from room dg bedroom. Helen ws delighted. Her eyes glemed nd she ws brethless for we joy. Toger chose wht she ws wer tht eveng, long, pure silk eveng dress ple blue. Levg her wht mounted over two hundred contemplte seprte items, hurried kitchen prepre lvish mel. As soon s hd spre few mutes returned help Helen dress. She sod quite still, re quite lxed while sod bck dmire her. t ws course perfect fit. But more thn tht sw once more her genius for werg clos, sw beuty nor s no mn hs ever seen beg it, sw... it ws rt, it ws tl consummtion le nd form tht rt lone cn relise. She seemed lumescent. We sod silence nd gzed one nor's eyes. Then sked her if she would like me show her round house. 76

8 brought her kitchen first. demonstrted its mny gdgets. poted out Utrillo on wll (she ws not very fond, found out lter, ptg). showed her Rod forgery nd even fered let her hold it her hnd but she demurred. Next ok her bth room nd showed her sunken mrble bth nd how operte tps tht mde wter spew from mouths lbster lions. wondered if she thought tht little vulgr. She sid. ushered her room... once dg g ptgs which rr bored her with. showed her my study, my first folio Shkesperes, ssorted rrities nd mny telephones. Then conference room. There ws no need for her see it relly. Perhps this time ws begng show f little. F lly vst livg spce simply cll room. Here spend my leisure hours. shll not hurl more detils t you like so mny over-ripe mes... it is comfortble nd not little exotic. sensed immeditely tht Helen liked room. She sod door wy, hnds her side tkg it ll. brought her over lrge st chir, st her down nd poured her drk she so much needed, dry mrti. Then left her nd for next hour devoted my full ttention cookg our mel. Wht pssed tht ws eveng quite certly most civilised few hours hve ever shred with womn or, for tht mt ter, with nor person. hve cooked mny mels my home for ldy friends. Without hesittion describe s n myself excellent cook. One very best. But until this prticulr occsion se evengs hve lwys been dogged my guest's conditioned guilt tht it ws kitchen nd not she, tht it ws who crried dishes nd crried m wy t end. And out my guest would express contul surprise tht, thrice divorced nd mn boot, ws cpble such triumphs cuise. Not so Helen. She ws my guest nd tht ws end it. She did not ttempt vde my kitchen, she did not perpetully coo, 's re somethg cn do? She st bck s guest should nd let herself be served me. Yes, nd converstion. With those or guests me lwys felt converstion be n obstcle course over ditches nd fences contrdiction, competition, misunderstndg nd so on. My idel con verstion is one which llows both prticipnts develop ir thoughts ir fullest extent, unhibitedly, without endlessly defg nd refg premises nd defendg conclusions. Without ever rechg conclusions. With Helen could converse idelly, could tlk her. She st quite still, her eyes fixed t pot severl ches front her plte, nd listened. ld her mny thgs hd never out spoken loud before. Of my childhood, my fr's deth rttle, my mor's terror sexulity, my own sexul itition with n elder sister; spoke stte world, n tion, decdence, liberlism, contemporry novels, mrrige, ecstsy 77

9 nd disese. Before we knew it five hours hd pssed nd we hd drunk four bottles we nd hlf bottle port. Poor Helen. hd crry her bed nd undress her. We ly down, our limbs entwed nd we could do more thn fll deepest, most contented sleep. So ended our first dy ger, nd thus ws pttern set for mny hppy months follow. ws mn. hppy divided my time between Helen nd mkg money. The ltter crried with effortless suc cess. n fct so rich did become over this period tht government dy felt it ws dngerous for me not hve n fluentil post. c cepted knighthood, course, nd Helen nd celebrted grnd style. But refused serve government ny so cpcity, thoroughly did ssocite it with my second wife, who ws this time Prime Mis ter. Autumn turned wter nd n soon re ws blossom on l mond trees my soon grden, first tender green leves were pperg on my venue oks. Helen nd lived perfect hrmony which could disturb. mde money, mde love, tlked, Helen listened. But ws fool. Nothg lsts. Everyone knows tht, but no one believes re re not exemptions. The time hs come, regret, tell you my chuffeur, Br. Br ws perfect chuffeur. He did not spek unless spoken, nd n concur. only He kept his pst, his mbitions, his chrcter secret, nd ws gld becuse did not wish know where he cme from, where he ws or gog who he thought he ws. He drove competently nd out rgeously fst. He lwys knew where prk. He ws lwys t front ny queue trffic, nd he ws rrely queue. He knew every short cut, every street London. He ws tireless. He would wit up for me ll night t n ddress, without recourse cigrettes or pornogrphic liter ture. He kept cr, his boots nd his uniform spotless. He ws ple, th nd net nd guessed his ge be somewhere between eighteen nd thirty-five. Now it might surprise you know tht, s proud ws her, did not troduce Helen my friends. troduced her no one. She did not seem need ny compny or thn me nd ws content let mtters rest. Why should beg drg her round tedious socil circuit welthy London? And, furrmore, she ws rr even shy, me t first. Br ws not mde n exception. Without o mkg obvious secret it, did not let him enter room if Helen ws re. And if wnted Helen trvel with me n dismissed Br for dy (he lived over grge) nd drove cr myself. All very cler nd simple. But thgs begn go wrong nd cn re member vividly dy it ll begn. Towrds middle My cme home from uniquely tirg nd exspertg dy. did not know it n 78

10 (but suspected it) but hd lost lmost hlf million pounds due n error tht ws completely my own. Helen ws sittg her fvourite chir dog prticulr, nd re ws somethg her look s cme door, so somethg elusive, so defbly cool tht hd pretend ignore it. drnk couple scotches nd felt better. s?t down beside her nd begn tell her my dy, wht hd gone wrong, how it hd been my fult, how hd impulsively blmed someone else nd hd pologise lter... nd so on, cres bd dy which one hs right disply only one's mte. But hd been spekg for little less thn thirty-five mutes when relised tht Helen ws not listeng t ll. She ws t gzg woodenly her hnds which cross ly her knees. She ws fr, fr wy. t ws such dredful relistion tht could do for moment ( ws prlysed) but crry on tlkg. And n could stnd it no more. spped mid-sentence nd sod up. wlked from room, slmmg door behd me. At no pot did Helen look up from her hnds. ws furious, o furious tlk her. st out kitchen drkg from bottle scotch hd remembered brg with me. Then hd shower. By time went bck room felt considerbly better. ws relxed, little drunk nd redy forget whole mtter. Helen o seemed more menble. At first ws gog sk her wht trouble hd been, but we strted tlkg bout my dy g nd no time we were our old selves g. t seemed potless gog bck over thgs when we were on so gettg well. But n hour fter dner front door bell rng? rre occurrence eveng. As got up from my chir hppened glnce cross t Helen nd sw pss cross her fce tht sme look fer she hd night we first mde love. t ws Br t door. He hd his hnd piece pper for me sign. Somethg connection with cr, somethg tht could hve wited till morng. As glnced over wht it ws ws supposed sign, sw out corner my eye tht Br ws over surreptitiously peerg my shoulder hllwy. 'Lookg for somethg?' sid shrply. 'No sir,' he sid. signed nd closed door. remembered tht becuse cr ws t grge for servicg nd Br hd been t home ll dy, hd tken txi my fices. This fct nd Helen's... strngeness such sickness cme over me when ssocited two tht thought for moment ws gog vomit nd hurried bthroom. However, did not vomit. nsted looked mirror. sw re mn who less thn seven months would be mn forty-five, with three mr riges etched bout his eyes, corner whose mouth drooped down wrds from lifetime on tlkg phone. splshed cold wter on my fce nd joed Helen room. 'Tht ws Br,' sid. She sid noth 79

11 g, she could not look t me. own My voice sounded nsl nd neless. *He doesn't usully cll.. evengs..' And still she sid. Wht did expect? Tht she suddenly be md confess n ffir with my chuffeur? Helen ws silent womn, she did not fd it hrd concel her feelgs. Nor could confess wht felt. ws o frid beg right. could not ber her her confirm very ide tht thret ened g mke vomit. merely threw out my remrks mke her shore up her... pretence. so bdly wnted her it ll denied even while knowg denil be flse. n short, undersod myself be Helen's power. Tht we night did not sleep ger. mde myself up bed one guest rooms. did not wnt sleep lone, fct ide ws hteful me. suppose ( ws so confused) tht wnted go mo tions so tht Helen would sk me wht ws dog. wnted her her express surprise tht fter ll se hppy months ws ger suddenly, without one word beg sid, mkg my bed nor room. wnted be ld not be foolish, come bed, our bed. But she sid, bsolutely. She ok it ll for... grnted this ws sitution now nd no longer could we shre bed. Her silence ws dedly confirm tion. Or ws re slender possibility ( ly wke my new bed) tht she ws simply ngry t my moodess. Now ws relly confused. On nd on night turned mtter over my md. Perhps she hd never even seen Br. Could entire mtter be my own img g? After ll, hd hd bd dy. But tht ws bsurd, for here ws relity sitution... seprte beds... nd yet wht should hve done? Wht should hve sid? rn nd rern number scenrios thgs could hve sid, good les, terse phoristic remrks tht ripped wy t flimsy veil ppernce. Ws she wke now like me, thk g bout ll this? Or ws she fst sleep? How could fd out without pperg be wke? Wht would hppen if she left me? ws com pletely t her mercy. should bnkrupt lnguge if tried convey texture my exist ence over followg weeks. t hd rbitrry horror nightmre, seemed rost on spit which Helen turned slowly with free hnd. t would be wrong me ttempt rgue retrospect tht sitution ws my own mkg; but do know now tht could hve ended my sooner. misery t becme estblished tht slept guest room. My me pride prevented from returng our nuptil bed. wnted Helen tke ititive on tht. t ws she fter ll who hd so much explg do. ws dmnt on this pot, it ws my only certty time blek confusion. hd on hng tightly... somethg nd you see survived. Helen nd brely tlked. We were cold nd distnt. Ech void 80

12 ed or's eye. My folly ws thkg tht if remed silent long enough it would somehow brek her down nd mke her wnt spek me, tell me wht she thought ws hppeng us. And so rosted. At night woke from bd drems shoutg nd sulked fternoons nd tried thk it ll out clerly. hd crry on my busess. Often hd be out house, sometimes hundreds miles wy, cert tht Br nd Helen were celebrtg my bsence. Sometimes phoned home from hotels or irport lounges. No one ever nswered, nd yet herd between ech throb electronic nes Helen bedroom gspg with mount g plesure. lived blck vlley on verge ters. The sight smll child plyg with her dog, settg sun reflected river, poignnt le dvertisg copy were enough dissolve me. When re turned home from busess trips, desolte, crvg friendship nd love, sensed from moment stepped door tht Br hd been re not long before me. Nothg tngible beyond feel him ir, somethg rrngement bed, some different smell bthroom, position decnter scotch on its try. Helen pretend ed not see me s prowled nguish from room room, she pretended not her my sobs bthroom. t might be sked why did not dis miss my chuffeur. The nswer is simple. fered tht if Br left Helen would follow. gve my chuffeur no dictions my feelgs. gve him his orders nd he drove me, mtg s he lwys hd his fceless ob sequiousness. observed different his behviour eir, though did not cre regrd him o closely. t is my belief tht he never knew tht knew, nd this t lest gve me illusion some power over him. But se re shdowy, peripherl subtleties. Essentilly ws diste grtg mn, ws comg prt. ws t fllg sleep telephone. My hir begn loose itself from my sclp. My mouth filled with cnkers nd my breth hd bout it stench crcss. decyg observed my busess friends tke step bckwrds when spoke. nurtured vicious boil my nus. ws losg. ws begng understnd futility my silent witg gmes with Helen. n relity re ws no sitution be tween us ply with. All dy long she st her chir if ws house. Sometimes she st re ll night. On mny occsions would hve leve house erly morng, leve her sittg her chir gzg t figures crpet; nd when returned home lte t night she would be still re. Heven knows wnted help her. loved her. But could do till she helped me. ws locked miserble dungeon my md nd sitution seemed utterly hopeless. Once ws mn hurryg shop wdow nd glncg crelessly, now ws mn with bd breth, boils nd cnkers. ws comg prt. n third week this nightmre, when re seemed else 81

13 could do, broke silence. t ws ll or. Throughout tht dy wlked Hyde Prk summong remg shreds my reson, my will power, my suveness for confronttion hd decided would tke plce tht eveng. drnk little less thn third bottle scotch, nd wrds seven o'clock tiped her bedroom where she hd been lyg for pst two dys. knocked stly, n, no en herg reply, tered. She ly fully dressed on bed, rms her side. She wore ple cotn smock. Her legs were well prt nd her hed cled gst pil low. There ws brely glem recognition when sod before her. My hert ws poundg wildly nd stench my breth filled room like poisonous smoke. 'Helen,' sid, nd hd sp cler my throt. 'Helen, we cn't go on like this. t's time we tlked.' And n, without givg her chnce reply, ld her everythg. ld her knew bout her ffir. ld her bout my boil. knelt t her bedside. 'Helen,' cried, 'it's ment so much both us. We must sve fight it.' There ws silence. My eyes were closed nd thought sw my own soul recede from me cross vst blck void till it ws pprick red light. looked up, looked her eyes nd sw re quiet, nked contempt. t ws ll over, nd con ceived tht frenzied stnt two svge nd relted desires. To rpe nd destroy her. With one sudden sweep my hnd ripped smock clen f her body. She hd on underneth. Before she hd time even drw breth ws on her, ws her, rmmed deep side while my right hnd closed bout her tender white throt. With my left smored her fce with pillow. cme s she died. Tht much cn sy with pride. know her deth ws moment tense plesure her. herd her shouts pillow. will not bore you with on rhpsodies my own plesure. t ws trnsfig urtion. And now she ly ded my rms. t ws some mutes before comprehended enormity my deed. My der, sweet, tender Helen ly ded my rms, ded nd pitifully nked. fted. woke wht seemed mny hours lter, sw corpse nd before hd time turn my hed vomited over it. Like sleepwlker drifted kitchen, mde stright for Utrillo nd re it sheds. dropped Rod forgery grbge disposl. Now ws runng like nked mdmn from room room destroyg whtever could ly my hnds on. spped only fish scotch. Vermeer, Blke, Richrd Ddd, Pul Nsh, Rothko, re, trmpled, mngled, kicked, spt nd urted on... my precious... possessions oh... my precious dnced, sng,... lughed wept long night. 82